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AIBU?

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Original poster

To think if you're kind, people take advantage?

56 replies

ElektraLOL · 20/02/2019 19:28

I'm a spa therapist and of course the nature of the job is that we have to do a lot of massage.

One day, one of the other therapists had a very busy day with no chances to catch up so she asked me if I could take one of her massages as I had a gap and of course I said yes.

Since then she's got into a pattern of coming into work, looking at my day and hers and then trying to swap my treatments with hers so that she ends up with an 'easier' day. She now doesn't even ask me. And this has happened about 4 times since.

Last Saturday she was whining about not feeling well and an hour of her massage time was put into my column which meant that i was over my massage limit for that day and by the end of the day I had a really bad back because I've reactivated an old injury.

The GP has now had to give me a note to limit my massage time to 3 hours a day to allow my back to heal.

It just annoys me that you agree to help someone out and they start taking advantage 😡 is this common at work?

OP posts:
Butterymuffin · 21/02/2019 01:09

Yes, quite a few folk will take a mile if you give them an inch. It then isn't popular when you push back but they do recognise you aren't going to be a doormat. Get in early, go and see senior therapist and say you're not happy with your schedule being changed without even being asked and you don't agree to it in future. Say the same to cheeky colleague. Back it all up with email.

Smotheroffive · 21/02/2019 01:11

I would report her to your work for causing you back injury and have to have time off as a direct result of her laziness and taking advantage of other staff.
She will be trying it on with everyone she can because she's a lazy and irresponsible person with a challenged conscience.

Its her that's at fault most definitely not you.

There are a lot of jerks like that in the world that should stop treating others like shit and face their own lives.

Smotheroffive · 21/02/2019 01:12

The art is to surround yourself with lovely people and leave all the shit ones on their own.

halfwitpicker · 21/02/2019 01:14

From what I've experienced, yes. Give them an inch, they take a mile.

Mysterycat23 · 21/02/2019 01:52

Some people are users. It's a life long habit. They don't see why they should stop and even if you stand up to them, it's like they don't even know how to stop.

Definitely be assertive. Keep a calm tone of voice and make it factual. Talk about yourself and your work if you can, no "he said she said" language. That will help you come across as calm and in control. Especially be careful because there's every chance the cf and the manager are in each other's pockets somehow. Bitter experience! Good luck.

CSIblonde · 21/02/2019 03:50

There are a minority who take kindness as a weakness they can exploit: & take the mick. You can be kind but firm: & in any work or personal relationship make boundaries crystal clear from the start, or expect trouble down the line.

poppycity · 21/02/2019 06:10

Yes, definitely people take advantage. It's very sad as one expects people to do the right thing, but many people don't. I've always thought the kinder and gentler you are the easier it is for people to take advantage. The other thing I've found is when people who are kind and gentle do put boundaries in place or limits, those people using them become very nasty and blame whereas they wouldn't expect others to do what they've asked. It's like there are two sets of rules - those for regular people and those whose nature is just that extra bit kinder and more compassionate.

Original poster
ElektraLOL · 21/02/2019 07:29

Yes Poppy. I think you've all articulated my feelings about the situation more eloquently. I'm just going to have to watch her.

OP posts:
JRMisOdious · 21/02/2019 08:11

Unfortunately yes, not so much in the general population but often in work. You’ll also find if you kindly step in on a regular basis, instead of appreciating it in the end it will be expected and colleagues get the right old hump if you then have the temerity to say no one day. Nip it in the bud now - a very firm “No, Im not able to” ,(with a big smile but certainly don’t say sorry, no explanation needed) and please make sure your manager knows exactly why your old injury is playing up.

Original poster
ElektraLOL · 21/02/2019 08:23

Well actually to be fair it is not only her fault that the old injury is playing up - my back gave out in a massage about a week before. But having to do extra has stopped it from healing. She is incredibly selfish. But at least I know this now.

OP posts:
Motherofcreek · 21/02/2019 08:30

Yep. People do take advantage.

It's hard though as my nature is to be a people pleaser and the main organiser for things so it gives me anxiety when I know people are going to take this piss

LannieDuck · 21/02/2019 08:57

I would ask the senior therapist why CF's sessions keep being put into your schedule. You can explain that you've never agreed to any of them, and in fact she hasn't even spoken to you about it.

Toupholsterornot · 21/02/2019 09:38

Yes me and my dh are like you and are actually exhausted by friends and family. For some reason we just can't say no. This has resulted in me looking after my sils 3 kids for a week alongside mine and I'm 31 weeks pregnant. It was a family emergency so not an every day occurrence but it means I am on my own as dh is self employed and can't get time off.

We seem to be doing endless favours for people. We need to say no
But one of us always caves and I think people tell each other oh Mr and Mrs upholstery will help ...

I'm angry at myself but also too tired to be bothered. Just 4 more days to go!

Toupholsterornot · 21/02/2019 09:39

By the way that's 6 kids and 31 weeks pregnant. I think I might have a breakdown!

JRMisOdious · 21/02/2019 09:42

Toupholsterornot

By the way that's 6 kids and 31 weeks pregnant. I think I might have a breakdown!

😳 To which you are perfectly entitled

Toupholsterornot · 21/02/2019 09:49

JRM I am just a mug. And I physically find it impossible to say no. She said 3 or 4 days. Actually dh told her 4 days maximum. She said ok. Then called me from her home country saying actually it will be more likely to be 8... they are good kids but the mess and noise is just exhausting. That and we have to share the bed with my 2 youngest as there just isn't the room and I can't sleep on the sofa. Sad how do you learn to say no and not feel racked with guilt!?

MrsJayy · 21/02/2019 09:52

You can be kind but assertive say no I want to catch up with between clients today you can still do the odd one or two but only if you want. People who take advantage get right on my wick

Toupholsterornot · 21/02/2019 09:56

Haha in the OPs case this would work. In my case when it's family it's harder as then you get accused of being unhelpful and all sorts. Family eh...? Wouldn't be so bad if favours were reciprocated but no one has ever baby say for us. My eldest is coming up for 6 and the only time away from him has been school time and one night when I was in hospital in labour with ds2.My dh looked after ds1 S everyone was too busy...

Deadbudgie · 21/02/2019 10:04

Unfortunately kindness is seen as a weakness. People who can do take advantage.

But think of it this way you need to be kind to yourself too.

When you try and stand up for yourself the CF will no doubt try and gaslight you, but remember this is about them being unkind rather than any reflection on you

sonjadog · 21/02/2019 10:13

I think the first thing is to separate kindness from saying yes to everything. You can be kind without being a walkover. Kindness is helping out someone who needs help on a special occasion, or giving someone extra time or the benefit of the doubt. Kindness is not doing everything other people want you to do.

Frogscotch7 · 21/02/2019 10:13

Yesterday I took my son out to a coffee shop to meet his friend and her mum for lunch. She had invited us. When it was time to leave I paid for my sons and my lunch and his friend’s mum said she would need to walk to the bank as she had no money with her.

Normally I would just pay for everything and It wouldn’t be an issue - but the last time we met this also happened. So this time I said “OK nice to see you, we’ll catch up soon” and walked out of the cafe.

Because some people will take the piss as long as you let them. My heart was racing but I felt like a hero for saying no. I recommend you try it the second someone starts taking the piss - it doesn’t mean you have stopped being kind!

7yo7yo · 21/02/2019 10:18

@Toupholsterornot
Make it clear she needs to have your kids when you are in labour and also set your stall out now, ie. once I have 3 kids this won’t happen. I won’t be looking after anyone’s kids for prolonged periods of time.

As I’ve got older, I’ve got more used to saying no without explanation and as a result find that friendships/relationships drop of. I’m happy with that.

Toupholsterornot · 21/02/2019 10:20

7yo. This is my 4th and there is no way in he'll I would let her have my kids. Thank God for home births. Dd1 was at home and this is my last and will be at home too. I refuse to ask for help any more as it's never given. So we just get on with it. She is very unreliable so I'm not trusting my babies with her!

MrsScrubbingbrush · 21/02/2019 10:23

Well done Frog you are a hero!

Parthenope · 21/02/2019 10:25

I think the first thing is to separate kindness from saying yes to everything. You can be kind without being a walkover. Kindness is helping out someone who needs help on a special occasion, or giving someone extra time or the benefit of the doubt. Kindness is not doing everything other people want you to do.

Absolutely. Many of the self-proclaimed 'kind' people who shake their heads about 'people taking advantage' as though the world is full of takers are being weak, not kind, by choosing to allow themselves to be exploited, because they have poor boundaries, or are afraid of saying 'no'.

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