AIBU to think partner working away can ruin relationship

[Acalavero]

+Posted on relationships but didn't get much response, with the response I did get, a lot of people said it DID factor in the break up of their marriage/relationship-

Not sure why it's done that ^^

Partner is working away more so than ever recently, for some reason I feel it's making our relationship harder.
Ironically, years and years ago I preferred when he worked away as for the saying "absence makes the heart grow fonder" it seemed to be true, we were always excited to see each other. There seemed to be loads to talk about, lots of planning etc and quality time

However, now it's the opposite. Sometimes when he's rung in the evenings I feel like we have nothing to say  I dunno if that's COs he's been socialising with colleagues and may be all talked out and because I've been with the kids . It's a horrible feeling. I just want to know if this is common? Everyone with partners working away do u feel it's for the better or the worse?

Also, I actually sometimes dread him coming back for instance like this week it's not a happy, excited feeling it's more a out of place feeling?! I don't know what's going on? I do feel recently he has been quite unemotionally available .

Any feedback greatly appreciated

Yes I also experienced this with my exH. A gradual shift over a number of years where Work and colleagues became more and more his priority and me (his wife) and children less so. He would come home at the weekend and fall asleep - even at dinner parties with our friends. Coupled with me making more friends with other parents and neighbours and becoming more involved with the children's school - we just grew apart.
It was a horrible time and ultimately was partly, although not wholly, responsible for the end of our relationship.

We are still married, despite dh having spent years away, either at sea, weekending from another part of the UK, and finally, being posted abroad.

I moved abroad in 2006 to join dh, but to that point, we had done since marrying in 1986, 6 years of sea time, 4 years of weekending, plus 2 years of him being in Brussels and me being in Cornwall, plus other times away. During the weekending, due to Kosovo, he wasn't home for a couple of months at one point, and it was near impossible to get hold of him just to say Hi.

We will have been married 33 years this year, so marriages can and do survive this. The adjusting to them being home is harder over time, and I used to get pissed off when how I did something was queried. I just pointed out if it wasn't done my way it didn't get done at all, so the choice was to be at home to do it, or let me get on with it. He usually went quiet at that point.

I think they get caught up in what they do, and forget that others have equally busy and valid lives, and sometimes they need to be reminded of that.

Having done 12 years of dh working away within 20 years of marriage, we are still married, and it can be got through. It was tough at times, but we've been married for 32 years now.

Dh was HM Forces though, so it was part of the package when we got married.

Aargh - I thought the first post hadn't been posted - duh.

Mine worked away only he was staying with a woman he was infatuated with and not working away!

This is very common, in my field I see it a lot. I think long term working away challenges the strongest of relationships. I am related to/friends with a lot of people who work offshore on 2/4/6 week rotations, mostly now divorced or separated. One of them had been married twice, for 9 years each time. In the strong marriage, his wife worked away too, so they rarely saw each other.

I think where 1 partner is home all the time, same old same old, they have to get on with life. They make arrangements, have friends over, do stuff and carry on. Donetjes tge returning partner can slot in; sometimes they are not there, or sleeping, or called back early. DM weathered umpteen parents meetings, weddings, funerals, birthday parties, doctors and dentist appointments and holidays as a “single” parent to 4 dc. I can see how the resentment can build after a few years, but my parents were together until DF died (young, but not work related).

DB’s first wife carried on regardless, refused to treat DB like the prodigal son when he cane back (then slept for 2 days) and got on with whatever she was doing at the time because she wasnt prepared to live in “solitary confinement” for 4 weeks at a time, only to be let down. An awful lot of holidays and gig tickets were wasted by delayed planes and changing rotation dates.

DH and I managed 18 months and hated it.... he’d only taken the job because he was made redundant when dd was 4 weeks old. The money was nice, but the lifestyle just didn’t work for us.

From what I have observed it takes a lot of give and take on both sides to make such a relationship work. The worker does want to be treated a bit special when they get home, but are usually exhausted from travelling. If they are away a lot the “try, it’s Daddy” reaction quickly becomes the “oh, it’s you” reaction. Children can become quite distrusting of people who come and go sporadically. The partner who stays at home needs to be “allowed” to carry on with what they want to do, and if there are children needs a lot of recognition for carrying the can and plenty of “me time” when the travelling partner is home, which can be a bit of a kick in the teeth for the travelling partner.

I had a friend whose then BF was in forces and was posted abroad for months at a time. They were obviously in love and she really looked forward to him coming home but when he came home she felt she was pushing him away and causing arguments within a few hours. They did eventually get married and are still married but he left the forces.
Another friend no children kept her relationship alive seeing each other every other weekend and holidays. I think if partner working long hours and doesn’t have much time to socialise it might work but if he is out socialising a lot he’s almost leading a double life a single care free work social life midweek and coming home to the sometimes mundane wife and kids on a weekend. Can you book a sitter for next time he is home or ask family to look after the kids while you have a night or a weekend away.
Of course it could just be all in your mind maybe he’s tired but see if he is interested in you reconnecting and putting the spark back in your relationship (it’s hard all round when the kids are little). I felt like an unpaid skivvy when mine were little and never got a break. Take care op 💐

As for returning partners being out of place..... I so remember DDad being completely bemused as to what he was meant to be doing, desperately trying to fit into the rhythm of the family and DM just exasperating “What are you doing, you’re just in the way!”.

I've been in a marriage for 23 years with DH working a mixture of home, Mon-Fri away and up to 3 months at a time abroad. I think the main things for us have been -
a) he was working this pattern when we first met so it's something we are used to
b) I've got my own work/friends/interests so not reliant on DH for social reasons
c) we trust each other
d) we make the most of the time we have when in the same physical space

There are times when he's phoned and there's not much conversation, other times talking for a while but we do always text night/morning to each other

I have seen relationships suffer due to this work pattern and to be honest when it's been a problem it does tend to be the person at home 24/7 is not the 'strongest' person and are very reliant on their partner

I've recently split from my DH who lives away 9/10 months a year. I gradually became second to his work and felt more and more resentful of doing everything on my own with 3 DC. He would then come home for 2 weeks and wonder why the house wasn't exactly as tidy as he left it or why I didn't suddenly stop my life and become wrapped up in him for those 2 weeks. Others manage it. I couldn't.

@RuthW

My worst fear. How did u find out?

I feel a bit silly now - DP works away maybe 2 weeks a month on average, sometimes less, sometimes more. I appreciate there are couples who have longer stances away from each other. I believe that can be incredibly hard.

@BikeRunSki

😂😂😂 this made me chuckle. Quite familiar with me and dp !

Longer stages* not stances lol

@scaryteacher

Very interesting thank you
Very similar to dp's parents. Dp's dad worked abroad and also was in the gulf war, dp's mum joined him abroad eventually but I feel I can't even confide in them as they will always say "it's tough we did it, you just have to get on with it" etc

I gradually became second to his work

I think this can cut both ways. In one case I know of, the partner at home threw herself into her work etc in the travelling partner’s absence.

It’s incredibly hard. I’m a forces wife so done a mixture of long stints away when deployed as well as a few years of DH working on bases mon to fri and then coming home at weekends.

It’s inredibly distruptive as you get into the groove of things and then they come home and you have to adjust to not just doing things your way all the time. Communication is key, and ABSOLUTE trust. I cannot stress this two things enough.

When DH comes home from a long stint it takes a good two weeks + for us to adjust to life again. Often made worse by the fact he’s in leave and I’m at work. Both of us finding our place. I can imagine it’s tricky if he is doing two weeks home and two weeks away and neither way is quite long enough.

It’s the shittest thing to hear on the phone when they have been out socialising and you’ve had a rough day. You don’t want them to sit in their room feeling sorry for themselves but at the same time you don’t want to hear about what a great time they are having. I am often very honest sometimes brutally honest with my DH in these situations. Something along the lines of ‘I’m glad your ok but I’ve had a really shitty day and this is making it hard to hear...can we talk about this another day?’

When they get back be very clear about things that need to be done etc. Don’t expect them to just know how stuff happens be explicit but reasonable. Allow time for adjustment. Remember it doesn’t matter if they do it in a different way to you just as long as the job gets done.

You have my sympathies it’s tough but if you want to you can make it work. We have been very happily together for over 10 years.

“What are you doing, you’re just in the way!”

I so relate to that. DH was away 2 years, back every 2mths. We just got in with it, end result is the DC realised they could live without him and mum could take care of it all, and so could I. We argued a lot when he was back on rotation and now it’s just a bit nothing. Lack of feeling on my part, maybe from resentment, who knows. Still here hanging in but I can’t see it ending well in the long run to be fair

When DH comes home from a long stint it takes a good two weeks + for us to adjust to life again. Often made worse by the fact he’s in leave and I’m at work.

I think you’ve hit the nail on the head. In the oil industry 2 week rotations are common, so the family is just getting used to each other, when the travelling partner leaves again.

My DH worked away, he’s just changed to a new job a few weeks ago where he’s at home every night and our lives are noticeably better already.
From the day we moved in together he was working away and I felt incredibly alone, during my pregnancy I had GD and lots of hospital visits and extra scans which was so awful going to on my own then home to an empty house, then our first year with DS I felt like a single parent during the week. I developed crippling anxiety and PND due to DS being poorly a lot and having lots of emergency GP apps and hospital visits the last month he was away. Now DH is home I finally had a breakdown and am currently off work and on medication but even with all that I’m so much happier and things are so much better. I wouldn’t have survived him staying in that job.
And I actually consider myself to be independent and happy with my own company but it was so difficult.

My sisters fiancé works away and they have a pretty stable relationship - own a house, DD and are set to get married this year. She definitely find it difficult at times, but they always work through it. He used to do 2 weeks on, 2 weeks off but often changes and can be gone now for up to 9 weeks at a time including missing Christmas and new year. But the pay packet is worth more than what a lot of individuals earn in a year.

Of course it can, but not necessarily. DH has worked away from home for over twenty years, we have been married for twenty two. He leaves early Monday morning and comes back late Thursday.

DS was 18 months when we started, and I had no idea if it would work, and rather dreaded it. It has been fine and has worked for us. If it hadn't we would definitely have had to have moved, which would have caused other problems as our parents were all down here, Devon and Cornwall.

I think the issue with it can be that each of you get a really good idea of what it would be like to live without the other.

If one of you decides you prefer it that way, the marriage is doomed.

That is what happened with a friend of mine whose DH was always working away. She hated it at first having to cope with the DC on her own. After a few years though she realised life was easier when her DH was away and she started to dread his trips back home rather than look forward to them......

It depends on the frequency and length of the away time I think.
My dh goes away for 2 to 7 nights every 4 months and I bloody love it.

If it was say every 3 weeks I’d hate it I think.

@Whatelsecouldibecalled

It’s the shittest thing to hear on the phone when they have been out socialising and you’ve had a rough day. You don’t want them to sit in their room feeling sorry for themselves but at the same time you don’t want to hear about what a great time they are having. I am often very honest sometimes brutally honest with my DH in these situations. Something along the lines of ‘I’m glad your ok but I’ve had a really shitty day and this is making it hard to hear...can we talk about this another day?’ **

OMG this 🙌🏼 yes that's exactly how I feel when I hear he's out having meals with work colleagues or drinking with them whilst I've finished work (High school teacher) rush to pick up the kids from their childcare/school, rush home, make their tea, put them to bed, barely have time to clean up/light read/relax!! It's horrible and I don't think he gets it

Love ur advice at the end I really need to be more open and say this to him. I've tried somewhat but he just doesn't get it