AIBU to think partner working away can ruin relationship

[Acalavero]

+Posted on relationships but didn't get much response, with the response I did get, a lot of people said it DID factor in the break up of their marriage/relationship-

Not sure why it's done that ^^

Partner is working away more so than ever recently, for some reason I feel it's making our relationship harder.
Ironically, years and years ago I preferred when he worked away as for the saying "absence makes the heart grow fonder" it seemed to be true, we were always excited to see each other. There seemed to be loads to talk about, lots of planning etc and quality time

However, now it's the opposite. Sometimes when he's rung in the evenings I feel like we have nothing to say  I dunno if that's COs he's been socialising with colleagues and may be all talked out and because I've been with the kids . It's a horrible feeling. I just want to know if this is common? Everyone with partners working away do u feel it's for the better or the worse?

Also, I actually sometimes dread him coming back for instance like this week it's not a happy, excited feeling it's more a out of place feeling?! I don't know what's going on? I do feel recently he has been quite unemotionally available .

Any feedback greatly appreciated

@acalavero yep being upfront and honest is the only way to tackle it and sometimes it hurts and it’s hard but if you want to make it work long term it’s worth it. Also talking it out as in physically talking not texting. Texts can be taken out of context and hard to read intonation so can be taken the wrong way. Gently does and it and then leave him to think about it. Don’t expect him to fix it straight away. If he’s anything like my DH he needs time to stew stuff over. Sometimes it’s honestly like Jedi mind tricks! One wrong move lol!

I am also a teach so can doubly empathise.

Think of stuff he can do straight away re the kids so that he can get stuck in when back. Do they have a set activity they go to each week etc. DH can do drop/off pick up to that or whatever so he knows that’s expected at that time and it doesn’t change. Routines routines rountines! Or is that the military wife coming out in me?!

It's really difficult when your lives are so different. My dh would call from a restaurant pleased to talk to me and I was trying to bath 3 kids. I couldn't be happy for him and he didn't get why knowing where he was pissed me off rather than be happy to hear from him. I'd really miss him but it didn't come across in phone calls! Also when he got home at weekends I'd want to get a babysitter and go out( after hearing how nice being out in the world is) and he wanted to be at home and enjoy his family. It wasn't sustainable for us so his work took him abroad and we went as a family

What rootsandbranches says.

DH is an MP. He leaves home every Monday early morning, and returns on Thursday or Friday night.
I am at home with the kids.

He is often out at smart dinners or meeting important people when I’m at home dealing with the kids. He sometimes calls at just the wrong time. I’ve got better at not getting cross- just calmly telling him ‘not now’

Him being away puts pressure on the times when he is at home. It’s not easy.

There’s quite a useful thread somewhere on here about ‘intermittent spouse’. It talks about the transitions being hard- when they leave & when they return.

We’ve been doing this a while, and our relationship is still strong, but the rate of divorce amongst DHs colleagues is higher than the national rate- in many cases due to the living apart.

It was the sticking point for me, DH used to work away a lot before we decided to become 'official' I said that I couldn't take the relationship forward with someone who wasn't physically there, he went away for a day and came back and said he'd change his job and he did, I wonder if he resents me for it occasionally but what's done is done, I'd still feel the same now as I did back then.

The eating out does get my goat - I'm busy cooking beans on toast to hear that he's had a steak....but he's often said he prefers eating crap at home in his slobs with us rather than sitting alone in a restaurant in proper clothes

It can be very difficult. My DH worked away regularly when our DC were little, and I found I built myself a life as a single mother pretty much. I didn't find it that hard during the week as I had good routines in place but I found him annoying when he came home! It was like he didn't really fit in, and he would do stuff and have me going "we don't do it like that" etc. That did cause quite a bit of friction and we came close to splitting up a few times.

Despite that we are still together and he now works from home...and I frequently think "I wish he'd bugger off for a few days" 😂

Having lived with dh since 2006 now (except for short work trips, he doesn't go to sea any more), I quite like the times he is away. I don't have to produce a meal; can lie in the bath for hours if I like and curl up on the sofa with the cats and have an NCIS fest if I so choose. I also get the bed to myself!

I was doing my PGCE and then teaching for some of the weekending, and when he was then posted abroad. It was much easier handling ds/teaching/the domestics/ school run between two counties without having to factor dh into the mix, especially when I wound up teaching my subject, plus three others outside my specialisation. I taught 600+ kids a week, and had the concomitant marking and planning load. When he was away, I could put ds to bed, then work. If he was home, that was harder.

I think if you know there's a limit to how long you'll be doing it, it is bearable. We got married in 86, there were four years of sea time (submarines), then 2.5 years home port based, then away again at sea, then 18 months home port based, then 4 years weekending over two jobs 3.5 hours away from home, then a couple of years home port based, and then Brussels for two years (which ended up being 9 for him). I moved after two years, as I couldn't have done 6 weeking for another two years. At least with the RN, you know there will be some shore time, and for us, given what he did, some of it was local to our home. I could have moved for the 4 years weekending, but I had ds's schooling and my job arranged to my entire satisfaction, and as it turned out, both jobs were so busy, we probably saw more of dh by weekending.