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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU about friend bumping into ex?

45 replies

MadameDD · 20/02/2019 12:37

A close friend of mine wanted to go out with me this weekend - i’d be on mock-tails now as recently pregnant buf I don’t mind going out with her as she’s not had a proper night out for ages.

One town we wanted to go to her recent ex-boyfriend apparently goes out in - but AFAIK he will be working (as a doorman) in another town.

Friend texted me Monday “I’ll go to any other place than there, I don’t want to go to the area where he goes, doesn’t make any sense to me”.

However our local high street i don’t like and the other area she’s thinking of is further out. This town I wanted to go to is “naice” so for me less bother etc especially as I’m pregnant.

She then texted me she was “over him that’s the point but I don’t need to be bumping into him why would i put myself in that position when I really don’t have to”.

As I was tired when I got that last text I said “ok fine let’s leave it”. A couple of hours later after I’d put DD to bed I apologised for tone and said I was happy to go elsewhere.

She’s now blanked me for past day or so and ignored a text I sent.

AIBU here? I can be tactless from time to time.

Oh I’m also Confused here because last summer for her birthday we did go out in same “naice” town and her ex (then on off boyfriend) was on the door at a club) she wasn’t there, it was when I was walking to the taxi rank and she’d already got a lift, but when I mentioned this to her she wasn’t bothered I’d bumped into him!

OP posts:
notacooldad · 20/02/2019 12:39

What's with the ' naice' it's either a decent place or not. Its not an item of the waitrose shopping list.

Original poster
MadameDD · 20/02/2019 12:48

notacooldad ok so it’s a decent place is that better?

OP posts:
Original poster
MadameDD · 20/02/2019 13:14

Oh slight drip feed this friend also borrowed £50 off me which she paid back on Monday - seems like I was slightly used to lend her money to? Or not?

OP posts:
AguerosAngel · 20/02/2019 13:16

What did you expect her reaction to be to you bumping into her on/off boyfriend last year? And why does that have any bearing on where you go for a night out?

Sorry if I’m missing the point here, it’s a bit confusing!

AguerosAngel · 20/02/2019 13:17

Still confused... you lent her money, she paid you back, job done surely? Confused

Redken24 · 20/02/2019 13:17

She wants to go out and sounds like you agreed and are now being fussy over where you go even though your pregnant so maybe she just thinking about where she would have a better time seeing as she wants to avoid her recent ex.

MilkTwoSugarsThanks · 20/02/2019 13:19

I with your friend tbh OP. Sorry.

And borrowing money and paying it back isn't really "using" is it.

TheVanguardSix · 20/02/2019 13:20

You’re being a pain, OP.

TheVanguardSix · 20/02/2019 13:21

You sound a bit self-centred. Sorry.

Crystalintheeyes · 20/02/2019 13:23

If she’s been your friend for a long time why would this instance if borrowing money even come into it ?

I lent my friend £70 the other day, I don’t link it to any kind of contact we have ConfusedConfused

IncrediblySadToo · 20/02/2019 13:26

Ignore notacooldad. As much as it makes me roll my eyes, ‘naice’ is used on MN for all kinds of things, not just the Waitrose shopping list crap and most people know exactly what you mean by it.

If I was your friend I’d want to go elsewhere too. A night out is more fun if you’re not always looking out for your ex to pop up.

If I was her I’d be annoyed with you too, she said she didn’t want to go to x town because of her ex (reason is irrelevant really) and you got in a huff and said to leave it. 🤷🏻‍♀️ Fine. Leave it. But don’t then expect her to be all over you when you decide you want to ‘play nice’ again.

SummerHouse · 20/02/2019 13:29

Brain won't process this information.

Somebody hold me... Confused

Original poster
MadameDD · 20/02/2019 13:42

Ok accepted I WBU. Smile

OP posts:
Bambamber · 20/02/2019 13:45

She's not unreasonable for not wanting to bump into her ex on a night out

Original poster
MadameDD · 20/02/2019 14:03

My other drip feed here is....

This friend has known this man on and off for years - has been on and off with him and she's always cried on my shoulder when they've broken up. Have lost count of the times she's texted me with blow by blow account of their latest row.

They got back together in January I think of this year and I knew it was doomed from the start, I didn't say anything though and now it's over again. She says they're over for good though.

Also, last year on her birthday she wasn't with him then but said "oh I won't go near that bar as he'll be working there' and he was, but she was fine to go out there, just not to this bar.

The money - well we've been friends via school and FB for years but only really got close in person the past few years and I feel like as soon as I lent her the money it was great but now she's fallen out with me just over this man and where we go out.

Pregnancy hormones probably playing a part here in me BU too though!

OP posts:
ErickBroch · 20/02/2019 14:24

Sorry but YABU, the extra info doesn't make a difference at all. I would apologise and hope it moves on.

Bluntness100 · 20/02/2019 14:27

Gosh you seem a bit desperate for people to think she's in the wrong, saying you accept you're being unreasonable then dripping in a bit more shit about her.

ThreeAnkleBiters · 20/02/2019 14:30

I think your tone probably annoyed her. It's hardly that surprising that she wasn't bothered about you bumping into her then on-off boyfriend but doesn't want to worry about bumping into her now ex-boyfriend n a night out.

I don't get why you have to question why she does or doesn't want to bump into him - that's what probably got her defensive and feeling self conscious. Sounds like a bit of a shit relationship - why are you surprised she's keen to avoid him. Sounds like she accepted that you wanted to avoid the high street because you just don't like it so you should accept she doesn't want to go his town.

StillCoughingandLaughing · 20/02/2019 14:31

They got back together in January I think of this year and I knew it was doomed from the start, I didn't say anything though and now it's over again. She says they're over for good though.

So what you’re actually saying is that she was happy to go out in this town last summer when they were long over, but they’ve since reunited and split again, just a few weeks ago? You really can’t see how that’s different to you (not her) bumping into him and it not bothering her?

LemonSqueezy0 · 20/02/2019 14:32

I think YABU in this instance. Call her and sort it out, texts are obviously getting lost in translation. Have a nice time out together.

Isth · 20/02/2019 14:33

You sound like hard work, somewhat selfish and a pretty crappy friend. There’s no relevance at all to her borrowing money off you and paying it back, nor is there to the other scenario where you bumped into her ex (so?!).

Original poster
MadameDD · 20/02/2019 14:50

Totally agree to agree with those who say that I'm a crap friend to her - however like I said, we've only been 'close' for the past few years so I have no idea about how she is in relationships.

I suppose for me seeing as she was fine to 'almost' bump into him last summer then she should be fine now. But now I come to think of it, last early summer there was a daytime festival we'd agreed go to where he would be and she didn't want to go, I forgot that.

For me too, I'm a different character, if anything if I wasn't married and ran the risk of bumping into an ex I'd just do it, probably because I either don't mind the confrontation element or enjoy it...

StillCoughing - last summer she was on and off with him a lot - they hadn't been a long time over then - their relationship has been on and off every few months for the past few years so she's told me. They then go e.g. 4-6 months with little or no contact then he or she is back in touch again.

anyway - I will give it a few days for her to cool down and ring her maybe. It's just since Monday evening she's not read my WhatsApp or text message so I can't apologise. I don't know her address as she recently moved so all I can do is ring. I'd like to apologise.

OP posts:
Original poster
MadameDD · 20/02/2019 14:51

ThreeAnkleBiters - and yes my tone probably did annoy her - but she was on holiday (half term as she's a TA) and I'd been having a very busy day at work, newly pregnant and didn't really have time to go into the ins and outs of why she did or didn't want to see him!

OP posts:
notacooldad · 20/02/2019 16:31

notacooldad ok so it’s a decent place is that better?
Yes. It's a tired old cliche that sounds ridiculous. It was only barely amusing years ago.

notacooldad · 20/02/2019 16:34

In answer to your question YABU
Thevanguard some it up really.
The post sounds like the stuff I have to deal with the 14 year olds I work with tbh.