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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To not understand what happens at a strip club?

90 replies

everythingisbetterafteranap · 20/02/2019 01:17

Not sure if this is allowed at its 'inspired' by another thread Confused

But

Why does a man go to a strip club if there is not touching of the women or themselves? I genuinely don't understand? If you got a private dance nude thing, but didn't masturbate during it or have sex, then what's that all about?

Not condoning exploitation of women in poverty, just curious on what the attraction is???

OP posts:
StreetwiseHercules · 20/02/2019 07:16

“Tell me straight. Are strip clubs really sex clubs where men pay for sex”

Absolutely not. That’s a ridiculous notion.

Strip clubs are rubbish. Been to a few in my time. But it’s pretty tame and pretty lame. The most dramatic thing I ever saw was a “lesbian show” when a couple of women performed oral sex on each other, at a distance. And that was in 2001. Wouldn’t happen now.

Men like seeing women naked but most can take or leave strip clubs because they have a weird atmosphere and aren’t very exciting.

Sometimes it can genuinely be a “late drink” but I wouldn’t now as the women badger you constantly to go for private dances with them at a tenner a time.

Fairyflaps · 20/02/2019 07:37

The lap dancing clubs which pop up every year in Cheltenham for Race Week are referred to as strip clubs. This gives a false impression of what they are like.

People often imagine a woman stripping or pole dancing on a stage. In practice there is no floor show in the lap dancing clubs. There are several women in their underwear, encouraging the punters to buy them drinks, but the main business is the lap dances, which take place in curtained off cubicles/ booths. The club takes payment upfront for the lap dance: the dancers' main source of income is any tips they make.

There are various rules for the lap dancing, including no physical contact between the dancer and the punter. In practice because the dancer is relying on tips, she is unlikely to say no to any of the punter's requests. The dancer is usually naked. The punter is fully dressed, usually older, larger than her, and often the worse for drink. Some people say the woman in that situation holds all the power, but that has to be a very strong woman, and not all the dancers are. Some are very vulnerable, and they are mostly young. Because there so many lap dancing clubs pop up during this week, in a town where there are no lap dancing or strip clubs outside of horse racing events, women are often employed who have little or no experience of lap dancing. They are enticed in with promises of lots of money. For women struggling financially, these promises are attractive, especially when they are told the official rules that there is no touching etc.

There is a lot of pressure for the no touching/ no sex rule to be ignored, from the punter, and from the need for the dancer to make tips. Prostitution happens, both in the club, and through arrangements made for outside the club. There is some trafficking, though trafficked women will usually be based in Airbnbs round the town, rather than in the clubs.

If the clubs/ punters/ dancers are caught out in any breach of the rules, it will always be the dancer not the punter who is blamed, and she will be out on her ear without any pay. In practice, they are rarely caught. The people who run these clubs are well organised, and have well rehearsed procedures in the event of a visit from the licensing authorities. There are so many of these clubs pop up during Race Week, and only a small licensing dept to deal with them (and the licensing officers seem to prioritise unlicensed taxi cabs, which also proliferate in Race Week).

Some of the dancers have drug habits, which is exploited by those running the clubs. They will keep dancers supplied with drugs and alcohol throughout the night, but this will come out of any earnings the dancers make.

Employment conditions are grim. The hours are long, from very early evening until the following morning . Technically the women are self-employed. Dancers are dependent on tips to make money. Break facilities and smoking areas for the dancers are inadequate. In one club, the dancers' smoking area was on a flat roof accessed by climbing through a window, and with no safety barrier round the roof. That same club had no safe fire exit from the dancers' changing room. The clubs rarely have separate exits for dancers and punters.

The attraction for the people running the clubs is that it is very profitable and poorly policed. The punters are often away from home and see the lap dancing as part and parcel of the Cheltenham Festival.

One of the clubs had a rule banning women coming in the club who were not dancers, 'to reduce the risk of prostitution'. Yes, they thought any woman visiting was likely to be a prostitute, and might threaten the earnings from the dancers working in the club.

StripStripHooray · 20/02/2019 07:55

The Cheltenham pop up clubs are not representative of what it is like to work in a proper strip club as a dancer.

gkite2020 · 20/02/2019 07:56

I used to work in a smallish lap dancing club, there was a pole after you'd entered, two girls would be there in underwear that wasn't covering anything (think crotchless pants and no cups bras)
You'd have private rooms upstairs, where if he paid for you, you'd be naked there. He could touch you (as in rub your ass, touch your arm, stroke your toes) but anything else was not allowed. Although threw the grape vine, a few men got BJs.

donquixotedelamancha · 20/02/2019 08:01

if a man goes to a strip club and asks for a private dance then there is a high probability he is paying for sex of some form to take place?

Second hand only- no I don't think so. I know someone who spent almost £1000 on dances in one night and thought thought the gave the stripper his number thinking she really liked him. The next day he got a a call from her boyfriend thanking him for paying for their holiday together.

Most men who go for a stag do sit around and look awkward. A small proportion are morons who are willing to pay a fortune too look at a lady naked. I would assume people who go regularly are quite pathetic.

StripStripHooray · 20/02/2019 08:02

gkite2020 two girls and crotchless pants/peephole bras? On the main floor? That doesn't sound like any strip club I've ever worked in. And thats without the blow jobs.

Fairyflaps · 20/02/2019 08:36

The Cheltenham pop up clubs are not representative of what it is like to work in a proper strip club as a dancer.

Unfortunately well managed clubs which treat their performers fairly are equally unrepresentative of the sexual entertainment sector.

For the majority of people who have rarely or never visited a sexual entertainment venue, their mental image is likely to be more akin to what is now called burlesque (and doesn't require a sexual entertainment venue licence).

In practice, the industry has been taken over by lap dancing and booth work is the main money spinner for many clubs.

This account of what it's like working as a performer at several London clubs is a fair representation:
This is what it's like being a lap dancer in London

StripStripHooray · 20/02/2019 08:57

I know fairy I was a stripper on /off for the best part of the last decade. "Retired" a couple of years ago.

Strip clubs can never be equal because it involves treating women as a commodity to be bought, even if it's the woman themselves doing the selling. There will always be a power imbalance because it perpetuates the idea that its OK to sell your body as a young attractive woman and that your worth is in how much someone will pay to see you naked at its most base level.

I've just read that article, some bits are fairly accurate but others are (in my experience) absolutely not.

PettyContractor · 20/02/2019 09:06

Why does a man go to a strip club if there is not touching of the women or themselves? I genuinely don't understand? If you got a private dance nude thing, but didn't masturbate during it or have sex, then what's that all about?

I'm a man, and I'm as mystified as you. I'm not interested in going, for precisely the reasons you state.

PettyContractor · 20/02/2019 09:12

It must be like going to a fancy restaurant, then after you've ordered, seen, and paid for your food, the waiter takes it away.

This is what I've always thought. It's nuts.

gkite2020 · 20/02/2019 09:13

@stripstrip yep. I'm in a small place in Scotland, it only opened 2 years ago. I didn't work there for long but yep it happens like that

PBo83 · 20/02/2019 09:25

Men pay for dances because they like to see naked women

As a man (sorry, I know people hate it when I start a sentence like that), I can sadly testify that this is pretty much as complex as it gets.

I'm not denying that for a small minority there is a 'power' element (which works both ways when you take things like findom into consideration). But for most, it's just men paying to look at women that they'd never get to see naked in real life.

I've been to a few (mainly stag do's) and, asides from the one in every group of men who is the 'strip club goer', most of the time it IS just a late drink (with an added aesthetic) and fuelled by bravado.

I have never experienced or heard of anyone being offered 'extras' but obviously this isn't to say it doesn't happen in seedier clubs.

Buster72 · 20/02/2019 09:30

Men go and the show is just entertainment, I can't imagine many getting so horny that they couldn't control their urges.
Similar to a strip show conducted by a troupe of men for woman.
My only experience as a young man saw me dragged upon stage, stripped and left tied up in a pseudo bdsm position then the girl walked off stage....
Left me as the butt of the joke still naked still tied up.

Thesnobbymiddleclassone · 20/02/2019 09:32

In most, legally operating clubs, the girls are in stage and not to be touched.

In this case, I don't see the difference between this and going to see a magic Mike type show.

Bloomini · 20/02/2019 09:38

Its a herd like mentality. They get to be "one of the lads". They're usually pissed up. They could be incels who wouldn't normally get to see a naked body. It's a power thing. It's acceptance is ingrained in a patriarchal society.

And last but not least, it's big business and people make a lot of money from it. The cost of drinks is prohibitively expensive and it's a prime target for ripping off idiotic punters.

5pmsomewhere · 20/02/2019 09:56

I’ve been a lap dancer for 18years. I’ve worked in LOTS of clubs. Customers CANNOT touch themselves or us. Private dances are fully nude in a private booth (with CcTV) NO TOUCHING. Dancers cannot meet customers after work or arrange any sort of sexual encounter. (Yes I know there will be a small minority of clubs where this happens but it’s definitely a minority).

You have to do a topkess pole dance for free in most clubs and then you earn about 70% commission from your private dances.

I don’t have a low opinion of men. It’s well regulated in regards to touching by 1) council 2) club management and 3) the dancers themselves (if one girl is offering extras it impacts upon everyone else’s earnings).

I’ve never worked in a club where alcohol and drugs are provided. Most club owners will tell you their biggest nightmare is a club full of drunk strippers. Drama doesn’t even come close!!!!!

Most clubs are zero tolerance when it comes to drugs so whilst some girls will partake it’s very much under the radar and girls will get sacked if they are found with drugs on them.

Babycham1979 · 20/02/2019 10:06

Always amusing to hear the certainty of posters on this subject who are insisting sex is for sale in them, yet they've never actually been to a strip club and really DON'T know what happens in them (clue, they'd lose their licence).

Also, I'm sorry OP, but strip clubs have been around since long before the 80s! Paul Raymond's Soho-based empire was built on them from the 60s onwards.

longwayoff · 20/02/2019 10:24

Crikey, everything, you've just reminded me. In the 1970s, many pubs had strippers, more usual than not as far as I recall. Lunchtime strippers were heavily advertised. In the 70s it was very common for workers to go to the pub at lunchtime (I know! Unthinkable now) for a pie and a couple of pints and a bit of titillation. It was sad and depressing and not remotely sexy looking at these poor uninterested women trying to earn a fiver, listlessly gyrating in grubby underwear in a smelly smoky bar. Think Life On Mars; Gene Hunt would have been very at home there.

deydododatdodontdeydo · 20/02/2019 10:48

Until a year or two ago when it completely closed down, there was a pub in my town which advertised something like "lunctime strip show".
It was just a pub!
Sounded seedy as hell. Never went and don't know anyone who ever did. The pub looked a dive.

easyandy101 · 20/02/2019 11:09

Went on a stag do once and at the end of the night everyone wanted to go to a strip club so I went raving instead

As much as I love naked ladies it's never appealed to me on any level as it just seems so pointless

NunoGoncalves · 20/02/2019 11:18

To be fair, I go to art galleries even though I can't touch the paintings. I just like looking at them!

Slowknitter · 20/02/2019 11:28

I don't know much about strip clubs and am not in any way saying I approve of them, but am a bit baffled as to why you think men wouldn't be interested in watching naked or semi-clothed women writhing around unless they were actually allowed to have sex with them, OP.

It's pretty normal human behaviour to enjoy experiencing arousal when looking at people who are attractive to you, regardless of whether that leads to actual sexual contact.

SongToTheSiren1 · 20/02/2019 11:29

I think this must be related to my thread. which I haven't updated yet today as I went to work but had to be driven home after 20 minutes as I panicked and couldn't stop crying. Now my car is at work and I have no food or toilet roll in the house...
I am reading all the responses here with interest too. I wonder if I have more to think about than I thought I did. Someone on my thread suggested STI check. The knowledgable people here, do I need one?

rattusrattus20 · 20/02/2019 11:33

The men I know who go to these places mostly do so on 'special occasions' such as a birthday or stag do or whatever, so maybe about once a year or something on average.

I suppose another aspect of it is that it provides an opportunity for after-hours drinking for men, with some flesh on show, for men who consider themselves to be one or more of too old/too drunk/too married/in too big an all-male group/too shy/too unattractive/hate dancing etc to enjoy going to a nightclub.

Not my kind of place at all but they I can't say they make me too angry.

'Extras' [touching etc] goes on no doubt but would, I guess, be both rare & expensive.

Lifeisabeach09 · 20/02/2019 11:40

“findom” would refer to Financial Dominance or Financial Domme, where a man is sexually gratified by handing over - sometimes large sums of cash, ‘gifts’ to a woman. It is a sexual fetish and whilst she may subject him to (erotic) humiliation, perhaps even tantalise him, she is unlikely to be intimate with him in any physical way.

^^I need a man like this. Grin

OP, men like to see women naked.
I've been to many strip clubs here and abroad. The ones I've attended have been very strict re touching, sex, etc. However, there are, no doubt, strip clubs that offer these additional services. (I'm a woman, btw).

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