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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Feel like I am going mad. AIBU

56 replies

ThinkIveEndedIt · 19/02/2019 19:10

Valentines Day - I got him a card, he didn't bother but bought some half dead flowers later that day.

20th Wedding Anniversary coming up in a little while. DH has booked a night out with......his mates. Can't cancel it now apparently as they have bought tickets and can't let them down. I could book something for another day but I feel like I am inconveniencing him!

Just looked ahead to the week of my 50th birthday. DH has booked the whole week and a bit on a business trip. I called him up to ask him WTF, the DC are off and I thought we were going somewhere nice and he just gave some sh!t excuse.

Apparently I make a big deal of stuff and IABU. I honestly feel like I am going mad in the head. I'm upset but made to feel like I am the one being U.

OP posts:
Grammarist · 19/02/2019 20:41

Hope you're ok lovely. I'm in a similar position and it bloody sucks. Really hope you do whatever makes YOU the happiest and if that means leaving, then I hope you build up that courage that I'm trying to in order to make it happen. Xxxxxx

ChasedByBees · 19/02/2019 20:59

I’m sorry OP. I think it’s time for a serious chat. Definitely plan something for yourself though.

Original poster
ThinkIveEndedIt · 20/02/2019 06:57

He came in about 0030 last night and was in a mood with me probably because I put a dampener on his night out with friends. You couldn't make this up.
I don't know how you can talk with someone who can only see their own POV and thinks you are just bonkers. He actually laughs at me.

OP posts:
FlagFish · 20/02/2019 06:59

What an unpleasant man.

Muddysnowdrop · 20/02/2019 06:59

Life begins at 50, time for some xhanhes

Muddysnowdrop · 20/02/2019 07:00

Changes

Babysleeeeeeep · 20/02/2019 07:01

You have one life. Is this how you want to spend the rest of it?

Henrysmycat · 20/02/2019 07:06

I hate to say gaslighting but this is a man that has checked out of your relationship. Is he trying to make you leave him?
I’d love to say, he might have a party for you up his sleeve but this is not an aibu of a man that has done one mistake. Even if you organise the best party for your SO, you don’t come home at 3am and laugh at the other person.
Is he having an affair? Have you missed any glaring signs, OP?

ZenNudist · 20/02/2019 07:08

Leave. Also organise your own 50th treat without him.

Do you want to stay? What are his good points?

SpiritedLondon · 20/02/2019 07:21

My DH is 50 in September and we’re discussing what to do now. I’ve just had a conversation with a guy at work about the party he organised for his wife’s 50th ( catered party with a marquee ). My step-dad took my mum to Verona for a week for hers. I’m not telling you this to torture you, and I appreciate not everyone has money to throw around but for me these are the normal responses to a milestone birthday - not arranging a business trip. I think you need to proceed with some arrangements on your own and stop looking to him to participate any more. I also think you should seriously consider what this relationship is giving you because he seems to have completely checked out.

QueenOfTheCroneAge · 20/02/2019 07:22

Just do your own thing on these dates OP, and use your 50th as the landmark to change your life for the better.

Damntheman · 20/02/2019 07:37

I don't hate to say gaslighting, this is exactly what he's doing to you. Making you feel crazy for having the very basic and simple wish to be respected and cared for. He is an inconsiderate asshole, and laughing at you when you are upset is callous.

HumptyNumptyNooNoo · 20/02/2019 07:49

I can soooo relate - I have evaluated the options for me - ie stay or go - and my particular circumstance I'm staying. But I have now replaced the blinkers I used to wear for a hard hat ! I know he's a twat and he doesn't think and he's probably only with me due to my bank balance, but now I'm aware I plan my life to suit me first now not us . It's quite liberating ! If you weigh up your options and make a choice that suits you - and armour up if necessary, you will feel better I guarantee it .

Wallywobbles · 20/02/2019 08:41

Book an appointment with a very expensive top solicitor and give him the bill for your anniversary present.

ThreeAnkleBiters · 20/02/2019 08:44

He's bring a dick. I'd poky ourself a lovely, expensive, very special, treat for you and the DC for your 50th. Followed by another lovely day out with your friends.

scaryteacher · 20/02/2019 08:52

A relative of dh did this sort of thing to his wife, and then called time on their long marriage. He claimed there wasn't anyone else, but there was, someone 25 years younger, who was ' a symptom, not a case's of the break up.

Get your ducks in a row OP, and get in first. Don't be blindsided.

cuppycakey · 20/02/2019 08:56

Agree with PP. Life is too short for this shit.

Do yourself a massive favour. Get your ducks in a row, get lawyered up and LTB.

The only thing you will regret is that you didn't do it sooner. Flowers

CluedoAddict · 20/02/2019 09:06

Make your own plans for your birthday week. He has shown you loud and clear that he treats you with contempt.

newmun · 20/02/2019 15:36

Dont put up with it OP! Look after yourself and get rid !

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 20/02/2019 15:45

He came in about 0030 last night and was in a mood with me probably because I put a dampener on his night out with friends. You couldn't make this up.

He's an utterly selfish shit.

Stop putting up with it.

Stop pretending to friends and family that everything is fine. If you're not going to leave him, then every single time he pulls a stunt like that, make sure everyone knows about it.

(But personally, I think you deserve to be treated much better and should make plans to be single.)

HollowTalk · 20/02/2019 15:48

DH pretty much treats me with indifference TBH. Feeling really shit about myself right now. DH makes me feel unattractive and pretty worthless.

You are coming up to 50. Do you REALLY want to spend the rest of your precious life with someone like this?

And you know damn well if you do then you'll end up caring for him, whereas if you were ill he'd bugger off.

I'd treat myself to a divorce for my birthday.

Sunflower1989 · 20/02/2019 17:54

It sounds like he thinks you are weak and is complacent that you won't leave. You deserve happiness and someone who cares.
You don't sound like you love him or like him anymore. Why stay? Move on and be happy. The single life is really liberating. One day you'll meet someone that will make you question why you stayed with this poor excuse of a man for so long. Be strong!

Clairaloulou · 20/02/2019 18:04

Another vote for jetting off with your DC for your birthday Smile

AloneLonelyLoner · 20/02/2019 18:11

It honestly sounds like he's trying to get you to leave him. He's checked out. He's not worried or bothered or cares how you feel or how he treats you. You need to prioritise yourself and your children. I'm really sorry.

Original poster
ThinkIveEndedIt · 23/02/2019 08:54

Back again. Told a couple of close family that I am not happy. Was told grass won't be greener, will regret it and that he can't help when his trips are.

A few weeks back I saw a counsellor on my own. She told me that when a person comes across as needy, their partner naturally pulls away and is put off by that neediness!

So basically, if you are a woman, you are meant to just put up with shit because your happiness doesn't matter.

OP posts:
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