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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Restaurants

66 replies

Housingcraze · 19/02/2019 16:59

DP family go only to restaurant to socialise which is fine,

I can’t eat out due to achalasia, being in tolerate to oil/fat!

So DP expects me to sit their like a clown with his family, eating nothing. Just drinking!!!

For me I feel uncomfortable and just in unsupported!

AIBU to not go?
DP gets upset saying he wants me to be more supportive and come anyway!

OP posts:

OftenHangry · 19/02/2019 19:09

If you speak to the manager, they can whip something up. We had a customer with quite some list a nono foods and it included oil and fats.
Made them lovely salad with various veg, not just the simple house salad, squeeze of lemon and crack of black pepper instead of a dressing. They were very happy with it and I could see the relief after we sorted them out. I am sure the restaurant can sort something like that for you

Original poster

Housingcraze · 19/02/2019 19:44

Meals are monthly, always at a busy, franchise like harvester Toby’s and pizza express and ask!

OP posts:

BlueJava · 19/02/2019 19:55

I understand OP that it is very difficult for you to eat anything - fair enough you would like to do this only in private. But could you drink something? E.g. water or coffee or peppermint tea? You could have a meal at home afterwards but just drink something at the restaurant and enjoy being with your family. Restaurants are usually very accommodating, especially with a big group.

OftenHangry · 19/02/2019 20:00

Op have you tried to ask the staff about what could they do for you? If you eat it and drink it at home, it will be safe to eat it and drink it in there too. Restaurants kniw how to deal with these things nowadays

IWantChocolates · 19/02/2019 20:14

OP, all those places will do a plain salad for you.

Sirzy · 19/02/2019 20:16

Surely harvester is a great choice with the salad bar?

Ontheboardwalk · 19/02/2019 20:21

I can understand how you feel. I suffer from a bad animal fat intolerance. Even meat on a pizza where the fat has soaked into the base made me violently ill and took me ages to figure out what was going on. If something didn’t agree with me I soon knew about it

As OftenHangry says speak to the restaurant. I always ask if sides, chips etc are vegetarian and not cooked with animal fat and I always get a nice response and an offer to cook some without needed

Ragwort · 19/02/2019 20:22

Regardless of your eating habits if you don’t want to go then why is your DP pressurising you? And in what way? I frequently socialise without my DH, we aren’t joined at the hip, we enjoy different types of socialising.
Do you invite your DP’s family to your home so that you can choose the menu?

Applesaregreenandred · 19/02/2019 20:31

I have a friend who can only eat very plain fat free food, she eats a lot of fruit and veg, grilled fish and poultry, rice or plain potato. Anywhere that has grilled chicken breast she asks for this with salad, no dressing. At Toby carvery there is salmon you can ask for no butter on, or turkey from the carvery, plain veg without butter on. She managed to eat at Harvester and most pubs. An independent restaurant you could telephone before you go.

Chimmychunga · 19/02/2019 20:33

Perhaps a plain salad (ask for dressing on the side)

Could you suggest a hip, vegan restaurant as a lot of them do natural, raw food?

Ginkythefangedhellpigofdoom · 19/02/2019 20:37

Your getting some good advice but also a lot of flak op.

Supportive relationships are about compromise so I don't understand why every for example third time your husband can't choose a venue that you can all be happy at rather than it always be you going somewhere that only holds an issue for you! If things felt a bit fairer then you'd feel more likely to go to the restaurant at other times and have a coffee while they eat.

Can I ask you though to get some professional help in practical management of your conditions because you do deserve better than this to be as good as it gets for you. Easier said than done I understan! But you can't live like this forever, it's unfair!

Bluntness100 · 19/02/2019 20:46

Op, why don't you pick the venue then? I'm sure every now and again they could go to your choice, so you could join.

Or how about as a pp said, what about inviting them to your home? Where you then get to pick thr menu?

If this is fundamentally about anxiety, then seek help for the anxiety, you don't need to live with it, you should be able to go out and enjoy yourself.

Also speak to your docto about your diet, you should be getting advice there.

However really if this is all about your nerves, and you're trying to find reasons not to go, then seek help there. The choice to go or not should be about whether you wish to, not whether you can.

OftenHangry · 19/02/2019 21:04

Op have you consulted your GO about allowed foods and get some support? You should considering all your ilnesses. Finding the most suitable nutritionally sound foods is important.
You really struck the bad luck lottery with asthma, ulcerative colitis, achalasia and me fibro. Have you been referred somewhere so you could get gelp?

sar302 · 19/02/2019 22:10

Can you take Imodium to slow everything down? I was plunged into a pit of anxiety after years of bowel trouble before tests for coeliac disease. It made just being out in public horrifically anxiety provoking. For a long time afterwards, I took Imodium to slow everything down. I had to deal with a bit of constipation, but that was after the event and at my own pace.

VanessaShanessaJenkins · 19/02/2019 22:31

Ok I think I might know what the op is on about. Hold on with me a second.

I had my gallbladder out too over a decade ago and I too have reflux which I take daily medication for. I have to be careful with what I eat as a meal too large, after a period of fasting or sometimes just randomly can fuck up my digestive system.
I have found if I skip a few meals (often because I'm busy. I'm a teacher so sometimes lunch just doesn't happen). Then the next time I do eat approx 15-90 minutes after eating I'll be in the loo with diarrhoea. It can then take up to 3 days for this to stop happening everytime I eat properly which is a bit of a catch 22 as I won't eat unless I know I'll be home for the next couple of hours as I won't risk it happening in public if possible so I end up skipping more meals.

When I'm in one of these horrible cycles I need to eat little and often for a few days to get out of it but the bowel movements go so unpredictable it often leaves me just not wanting to eat just in case and I know that not eating will make it worse.

No using restaurant loos isn't as easy option as it's fucking embarrassing to go off to the loo a few times or for a few minutes and it's noisy and smelly!!

It sounds like the op is like me (if anything though more extreme) so doesn't want to eat in restaurants ever whereas I just avoid them if I'm having an episode.

With regards to the actual problem the op is posting about. Just either go and don't eat or don't go. It shouldn't be a problem whichever of those you choose and I wouldn't expect people not to go to a restaurant just because I couldn't eat.

Burbage · 19/02/2019 23:18

I was idly surfing tonight and came across this thread. I've just signed up to mumsnet to tell you of my experience which might be of help to you.

I speak from personal experience. If you cannot digest fat after having had your gall bladder removed, then it is likely that you have bile acid malabsorption. This is very common after a gall bladder removal. Don't faff around with a GP, get yourself referred to a gastroenterologist, who can give you a SEH cat scan and properly diagnose you. Anxiety has no effect on this condition, but the condition and all its consequences can certainly cause anxiety! I have 100% bile acid malabsorption myself and it is treated with a bile acid sequestrant called Colasevalam or Cholestagel. It's a sort of polymer which binds to the bile acids which would otherwise severely inflame the gut lining, and then the neutralised bile acid is passed out of the body with other digested waste. In most people any excess bile acids are reabsorbed without any problem, but the removal of a gall bladder can trigger this condition.
While you're at the gastroenterologist' s office, ask too for a methane breath test to check for small intestinal bacterial overgrowth. This is where specific bacteria ,which should remain safely in the intestine , start to venture further up the digestive tract and irritate the lining. On the restricted diet that you have described, you have probably become pretty unwell and rundown, which would add to your digestive problems and anxiety. Small intestinal bacterial overgrowth is easily treated with a course of antibiotics.

I started to feel better just a few days after starting treatment for the above two conditions and slowly got my confidence back, after months of blaming stress for my IBS, when I didn't have IBS at all. I still have to follow a low fat diet and I always note where the nearest loo is when I'm out, but at least i can lead a normal life!

Good luck with your GP. I hope this info is of use to you.

Also, I've found that a pretty foolproof low fat meal is grilled chicken breast, steamed broccoli and steamed new potatoes. Most restaurants should be able to provide this, with prior notice.

Best wishes

Burbage

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