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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DP spends his days off undoing all of my work

58 replies

sophhhxo · 19/02/2019 15:00

I may be being unreasonable m.. but over the past week I have spent my days off work sorting and decluttering 3/4 rooms in our home.
My next day off (maybe more) was going to be spent doing room 4/4!

I have done all of this on my own whilst DP has been working or out at football etc. He hasn't contributed at all.

He knows how hard I have worked and how much I have done. Yet when I was working yesterday he decided to move things I had put to one side for the tip and charity shop, and put them into 2/3 of the already sorted rooms! Messing them up completely!!

And I had a pile of clothes ready to sort in the last room which he decided to mix up and just throw behind the sofa out of the way.

When I asked him why he said he was going to have a couple of friends round, but then decided it was too much of a long winded job to make to room presentable.

So I now have 3/4 rooms to sort again! Whilst he spends his days off sat in his pants watching tv surrounding himself in the pots he uses throughout the day.

*we have the same job, so I know what it's like, and no, I don't expect him to never chill out etc. Just a little help, or him not adding to my workload would be great!

AIBU? 🤦🏼‍♀️

OP posts:
SleepingStandingUp · 19/02/2019 16:03

I assumed she meant like dirty dishes and cups etc

Original poster
sophhhxo · 19/02/2019 16:04

@Grace212 he uses the pots and then just places them on the floor around him rather than clearing them up!

I'm going to speak to him. See what he says and see if he gets up and helps me!

Wish me luck (or send me some balls!! 💪🏼)

OP posts:
AdaColeman · 19/02/2019 16:05

You do need a serious declutter.

Start with the lump sitting in his underpants.

Once he's gone, the rest will be easy, and your life will be much brighter.

NotTheFordType · 19/02/2019 16:13

we have been together for 6 years.. he's only been like this for a year or so!

I'm certainly not looking to make excuses for him, and YADNBU (I'd be fucking fuming), but did anything happen about the time he started slacking off? My understanding is that hoarding behaviour can be triggered by a loss, whether of a person/animal or a "thing" (e.g. job, house.)

AcrossthePond55 · 19/02/2019 16:14

Wish me luck (or send me some balls!! 💪🏼)

Ovaries, dear. Solid stainless steel ovaries. And you already have them. You just have to drag them out and use them.

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 19/02/2019 16:19

Whilst he spends his days off sat in his pants watching tv surrounding himself in the pots he uses throughout the day.

Urgh. He sounds gross. Actually, he sounds like Homer Simpson.

Tell him to shift his lardy arse and start pulling his weight.

BrinkPink · 19/02/2019 16:24

Ugh my ex used to say "we need to do something about XYZ" - he invariably meant "here's something for you to do" Angry

Note EX!

faw2009 · 19/02/2019 16:46

I think you need to agree (really agree) to declutter together.
Sometimes my husband goes around the house decluttering and it drives me up the wall - partly because it's a bit extreme and partly because it makes me feel a bit ashamed that I've been really lazy about it.

If it's your own stuff, then he shouldn't be touching it, if it's both of yours, he probably wants a say. Also the process of decluttering is incredibly messy and that may be annoying him (ironically) too.

WorkingItOutAsIGo · 19/02/2019 16:46

So here’s the thing - this is not about whether you can persuade him to get up and help: it’s about how much you value yourself and your self-esteem. I recommend you should value yourself highly! Which means you have high expectations of anyone you choose to devote your life to. And if he isn’t worthy of you then that’s his issue to sort - you are not here to fix him, just here to lay out your standards.

Grace212 · 19/02/2019 16:53

OP, so he makes, for example, pasta, then eats it out of the cooking pot and leaves it lying around?!

BrinkPink · 19/02/2019 17:37

I think pots just means plates and cups etc - in some dialects including Yorkshire where I'm from.

NameChangeNugget · 19/02/2019 17:42

Ok well then no football, no tv or anything else until he fixes the mess he made. I would be fuming. He is not pulling his weight Grin

Grace212 · 19/02/2019 18:00

Oh plates and cups makes sense!

I should have learned re the word "pots" before

I broke a bone once, was talking to a friend from Yorkshire on the phone, he asked "do you have a pot on it". Turned out he meant plaster cast, I was mystified for a while there.

Motoko · 19/02/2019 20:50

Has he sorted it @sophhhxo?

LunchBoxPolice · 19/02/2019 20:55

Put him in a bag and leave him out for charity.

BlueJava · 19/02/2019 20:57

If he's only moved stuff for the tip and charity shop hopefully he hasn't undone all your good work. I'd be putting the stuff out immediately and in the car to take to tip/shop so he couldn't find it! Plus this seems your agenda - which is great but he may not be so eager to have the house that way. Yes, you are putting in loads of work but is he so eager?

GregoryPeckingDuck · 19/02/2019 21:00

If you don’t have kids LTB

JasperKarat · 19/02/2019 21:06

I sorted through my clothes a few weeks ago made a big pile to go to the charity shop, bibbed the stuff that was too worn etc. We get charity bags dropped through the door frequently so I thought I'd wait for that and left the pile on the ottoman in the guest room, debt it that afternoon , got home an hour later than expected and DH had finished work early and proudly told me he'd seen the laundry pile.in the back bedroom so had put it all away in drawers and cupboards 🙈 . When I explained he was mortified but to be fair I hadn't told him what I was planning to do or what I'd done

MerryBerryCheesecake · 19/02/2019 21:19

The last year, you say.

Smacks of him having the "she's hooked on me now and will never kick me out" epiphany.

Once that thought has gone through their tiny littlr brain and become accepted fact in there, you are fucked.

Seriously fucked.

Once they think you will not split with them, the things they had been doing to keep up the illusion of being a decent partner will dwindle to fuck all to be replaced by the true them, which is usually the point at which you become their mommy/maid with benefits.

This sort will never change back either, it'll just get worse until you are doing everything while trying to dodge their constant attempts to sabotage your efforts. This sort wants you to do it all but they also hate it when you do it well and with efficiency because it makes them feel like the utter bastard that they are, so they'll perversely want to see you fuck it up and if you don't, they will fuck it up for you.

BrightYellowDaffodil · 19/02/2019 21:43

@MerryBerryCheesecake I couldn't agree more. My ex was like that - not only that, actually, but I think he was of the view that he'd put in the necessary hard work (putting on clothes that didn't have holes in in order to go to a nice restaurant, taking me to the theatre to my birthday) to 'win' a partner and now he was done. He was therefore free to sit around in his (holey) pants in front of the TV of an evening, or 'treat' me to the occasional Weatherspoons if he was feeling like a night out. It's really disappointing when someone stops making ANY effort whatsoever.

The sabotaging is a bit of a marker, IMO - "I can do as I please in my home, including actively undoing what you've done and you'll just put up with it, clearing up after me as you go". Chuck him out with the rest of the unwanted clutter!

cuppycakey · 19/02/2019 21:48

"Whilst he spends his days off sat in his pants watching tv surrounding himself in the pots he uses throughout the day."

Can you clarify this OP I have no idea what you mean? Are you talking about drugs? Is he pissing in things?

Either way I could not live with a hoarder. Get rod of the shit then he can't reorganise it. Good luck!!

Butterymuffin · 19/02/2019 21:56

I'd declutter something like the batteries in the TV remote (also any spares) and then tell him not to be mardy when he complained about it not working.

HelloDarlin · 19/02/2019 22:03

OMG, laughing so much at the description of your fella. Mine’s the same on his day off... Also, my hobby is decluttering / sorting shit out, while his is watching footie in his Man Cave.
I know people say LTB but seriously no half of any partnership is perfect (but messing with your charity bags / clutter is bad form!).

BarbaraofSevillle · 20/02/2019 02:49

Whilst he spends his days off sat in his pants watching tv surrounding himself in the pots he uses throughout the day

Can you clarify this OP I have no idea what you mean? Are you talking about drugs? Is he pissing in things

Confused Pots = plates and cups used for food and drink. Which are then washed as in 'washing the pots' or 'pot washer' the term for washing up in a restaurant or pub as a job. But the OPs DH doesn't clear up after himself so she finds him in the living room surrounded by washing up that he has not returned to the kitchen.

Is this not a widely used term? Every day's a school day.

thedogattacksthetissuebox · 20/02/2019 03:17

I was imagining him surrounded by big cooking pots, wondering why he ate out of them instead of using plates which added to his slobby image.

The other image was pot plants and some mysterious hobby.

Light heartedness aside op, it's really shit to live with someone who sees the house as the woman's job by default. Don't marry or have kids.

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