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AIBU?

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Original poster

He's in denial about me leaving...

33 replies

LeonardoAlt · 19/02/2019 08:09

I left my partner. We have 1 DC and weren't happy for a while.

I left, and have been staying elsewhere to get a bit of space. I told him I needed time away to think and that our relationship was not working. That I was unhappy and that there was no love between us.

He's coming to see DC today (he's still breastfeeding so I'll have to stay nearby) but he seems to think it's going to be a lovely family day.

He texts me like normal even though I either don't respond or give short answers. He is completely in denial that I've left (even if I haven't made my mind up whether it is permanent, but I'm fairly sure) and seems to think that I'm just doing this for shock value. In fact, it's because he was disrespectful towards me, mean and nasty, and I needed space away from him to think straight and determine what I want...

We are booked in to counselling but there's a long waiting list.

How do I make him see that this is serious and prepare him for the fact that I'm likely not coming back? I'm a little bit nervous as he has one hell of a temper on him. Would never hurt me in a million years but I still find him very intimidating...

OP posts:
sheldonstwin · 19/02/2019 08:11

He will be lovely until he realises that you mean it. Be wary, OP. Could someone else be with you when he visits?

TowelNumber42 · 19/02/2019 08:15

Would never hurt me in a million years said every woman of her partner before he battered her the first time.

Shitgovernmentshitparents · 19/02/2019 08:20

He’s in denial because you haven’t left him, you’re having some ‘time away’.
Just leave. Properly. Then there’s no room for confusion or the possibility you’ll be back.

GruciusMalfoy · 19/02/2019 08:22

Make sure you're not alone with him if you're worried about his temper. Abusers can become (even more) violent when they realise that their control is slipping away.

Sicario · 19/02/2019 08:23

"Hell of a temper" = big red flag. Do be careful.

Can I suggest you are always ready to remove yourself (and if required your DC) immediately from any situation if he starts displaying temper. Eg always have your bag, keys, car keys ready and within quick reach. So if he kicks off at your place, you can get straight into the car and leave.

When I told my (now XH) that I wanted a divorce, he laughed in my face. One of the scariest moments of my life.

TowelNumber42 · 19/02/2019 08:24

Your idea of preparing him is you trying to avoid him kicking off, right? Give up on that now. He's a bully with a nasty temper who gives no fucks about your opinion going by what you've written here. Stop trying to manage his temper. It won't work.

Decide what's best for you. Organise your life accordingly. He'll realise you are serious in his own time. Then he will get nasty like they always do. Wiser women than me can tell you the script for how it will go.

If you've decided to leave then drop the counselling. People only do counselling when they want to stay together. Mixed messages helps neither of you.

Original poster
LeonardoAlt · 19/02/2019 08:38

@sheldonstwin my friend is going to be with me.

I don't know that abusive is the right word? He is aggressive but not towards me. He had a pretty rubbish upbringing. I think his behaviour is subconscious so it's not like he KNOWS he's doing it. I just think he's not the nicest of blokes. Abusive I am not sure!

OP posts:
sheldonstwin · 19/02/2019 08:40

I am glad that your friend is going to be with you @LeonardoAlt . I am afraid that I agree with the others - things are going to get worse before they get better. Keep your friends and family close.

ArmchairTraveller · 19/02/2019 08:45

My father had a rubbish, abusive, poverty-stricken upbringing.
He was absolutely fine as a parent until someone crossed him in an area he wanted control over. Then he wasn’t.
He too had a hell of a temper.

Lovemusic33 · 19/02/2019 08:47

Don’t make excuses for his behaviour, it doesn’t matter wether he knows he’s doing it or not, the fact he is doing it is enough reason to leave.

You do need to be upfront with him and tell him that you don’t think you will be getting back together. I made the mistake of mentioning counselling with my ex dh which gave him hope, eventually I had to say that there was no point as I didn’t want him back and I wouldn’t change my mind. He was upset but not that upset as within a few weeks he was seeing someone else. Just be honest with him, don’t give him hope if there is none.

PurpleWithRed · 19/02/2019 08:50

This is the perfect opportunity to tell him, assuming you are meeting somewhere public - he has some baby time, then give baby to friend to take out of earshot and say "I have realised that our relationship is completely over, I am not coming back" or similar. Do not say 'sorry' and be prepared for him to react in a number of ways (angry, upset, cold, nasty, who knows). Do not get into a discussion about it, stay firm.

BTW I understand what you mean by 'subconsciously abusive' - XDH was like that, did things that really hurt or even damaged other people but on the basis that what he was doing was normal or OK rather than doing them with malice aforethought. It is still abuse, and it is still a conscious act - any adult should be able to see that their actions are hurting someone else and have the self control to stop doing it. It is not an excuse.

LunafortJest · 19/02/2019 08:52

That was my thought too, TowelNumber42. If she is afraid of his temper, there is a reason for that. Maybe in your subconscious OP, you are afraid he will hit you. If he is mean, nasty AND has a bad temper, well, that is prime suspect for domestic violence. If a man is mean and nasty to a woman he is supposed to love, and also the mother of his children, clearly he is capable of hurting you. Well done on getting out of there. I have nothing really to suggest except tell him in person (with a friend in the room as a witness, and tell him that's the reason if he asks to speak alone) that it is really over and you want to collect all your belongings asap and organise a formal parenting arrangement. That aught to hit it home to him.

3timeslucky · 19/02/2019 09:09

Agree with TowelNumber42.

You decide what you want. Right now you're not 100% sure so it isn't surprising if he isn't.

He will inevitably kick off at various points if you decide it is permanent. Just make sure you're safe.

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 19/02/2019 09:10

Cancel the counselling - it's sending a mixed message if you've 'left' but you're still on a waiting list for counselling?

it's because he was disrespectful towards me, mean and nasty

He is aggressive but not towards me

I'm a little bit nervous as he has one hell of a temper on him

I still find him very intimidating

Agree with others. You need to be clear that you're not coming back. But be very wary.

Very glad your friend will be with you. Good luck.

Yippeee · 19/02/2019 09:12

You don’t sound very sure so I think you need to make up your mind in fairness to him. You say you want space to determine what you want. Decide and tell him. He is probably hanging on to that last bit of hope.

Original poster
LeonardoAlt · 19/02/2019 09:50

To be fair, I was sure when I left, then he told me how much he was willing to change and it made me wonder if I should give him another chance, but I'm slowly realising that maybe it's just not meant to be. I can't stay with him just to keep our family together

OP posts:
Maelstrop · 19/02/2019 10:14

Typical of abusive men 'I'll change' etc. He won't. Please be careful. The advice is not to have counseling with an abusive partner.

MsVestibule · 19/02/2019 10:24

When he says 'I'll change', I'm pretty sure he means 'I'll change if it means we can stay together' (even though he probably won't). He doesn't want to change because he thinks he needs to, just because he thinks it will benefit him.

I agree that if you know it's over, just tell him. Being in limbo like this is not helpful for anybody.

NorthernKnickers · 19/02/2019 10:28

'He doesn't know he's doing it'...yes, he does. He absolutely knows that he's doing it.

Original poster
LeonardoAlt · 19/02/2019 10:32

I don't know how to tell him.

I can't do it face to face. I'm nervous that he's telling me he will change because he basically wants me to come back with his child. I get it, it'll suck not seeing DC all the time but I can't stay for that reason alone.

I can't do it on the phone because he gets so angry and I struggle to talk to him when I feel like I could possibly say something that will upset him.

It hard. I thought counselling would maybe help him understand what he's doing for our child's benefit mainly as he will be spending time alone with him. But now I'm being told don't do counselling with an abuser (if that's what this is..). I'm so confused...

OP posts:
Renster · 19/02/2019 10:46

In what way is he aggressive? And towards whom, if not you?
He doesn’t sound very nice OP.

LunafortJest · 19/02/2019 11:16

To be honest, you don't even have much of a relationship if you cannot talk to your partner face to face. If he is making you a nervous wreck at the thought of just saying something to him, that is disturbing. That is not a relationship. You will need to tell him somehow.

Piffle11 · 19/02/2019 11:47

When he realises you're not going back he'll probably turn on the emotional tap - tears, what about DC, etc. Then when that doesn't work, he'll get nasty. Been there, my ex was like that. He was so sure I would go back to him, even though I was miserable and scared of him and he was horrible to me. You say he has a bad temper: you don't want that around DC. My DF had a hell of a temper: DSis and I were hit regularly, and when we got too big to hit, he would be emotionally abusive instead. Looking back, I find it hard to accept what he did and that my DM stood by and let him - and on occasion, encouraged him. I think DM was glad someone else was the brunt of his anger rather than her.

UnleashTheBulsara · 19/02/2019 15:20

He'll SAY he'll change. And maybe he will be less aggressive and intimidating for a while. But if that's not who he is, he'll revert back to what he really is.

And that is a person you are afraid of.

You've done the right thing, but you need to make it permanent for both your sake and your baby's.

Original poster
LeonardoAlt · 19/02/2019 17:38

@Renster aka if he accidentally breaks something he goes nuts, punches things, shouts and swears etc. In front of me and DC.

OP posts:
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