He's in denial about me leaving...

[LeonardoAlt]

I left my partner. We have 1 DC and weren't happy for a while.

I left, and have been staying elsewhere to get a bit of space. I told him I needed time away to think and that our relationship was not working. That I was unhappy and that there was no love between us.

He's coming to see DC today (he's still breastfeeding so I'll have to stay nearby) but he seems to think it's going to be a lovely family day.

He texts me like normal even though I either don't respond or give short answers. He is completely in denial that I've left (even if I haven't made my mind up whether it is permanent, but I'm fairly sure) and seems to think that I'm just doing this for shock value. In fact, it's because he was disrespectful towards me, mean and nasty, and I needed space away from him to think straight and determine what I want...

We are booked in to counselling but there's a long waiting list.

How do I make him see that this is serious and prepare him for the fact that I'm likely not coming back? I'm a little bit nervous as he has one hell of a temper on him. Would never hurt me in a million years but I still find him very intimidating...

I see. Sounds like he anger issues. But he doesn't seem safe to be around. Thank you for answering for you

Sounds just like my ex. The walls in our house were full of holes, so were the doors. He broke furniture and the kids toys when he was in the middle of one of his pathetic tantrums. Took me 13 years to leave him, by that time the kids were damaged by his behaviour. Oh and he was lovely to me too until I got the locks changed. I ended up on first name terms with the local police officers, an interdict with the power of arrest in place, panic alarms fitted in the house as well as carry one at all times and get an emergency house move in secret so he didn't know where we went. Yup, your ex sounds just like mine was when I first left. That doesn't mean yours will tho, but just be careful op. As pp have said, and as I found out, it's once they know it's permanent they turn nasty.

His reaction when he breaks something is crazy. Any person can see it. If he cannot see it as a problem himself then why would a counsellor get through to him. You think he will realise it is damaging to the children to witness if another person explains. No. That's magical thinking. Any person will know that behaviour is damaging to the people around. He knows. He just doesn't care that it hurts you all.

Tell him on the phone in one short sentence. Don't waste your time trying to stop his anger. Tell him. Let him be angry a bit without reacting. Hang up the phone soon though, don't sit there listening. I suspect you are petrified at the mere idea of hanging up on him. Are you?

@TowelNumber42 I don't wouldn't do it

Why would you stay on the phone while he is being aggressive or not listening to you?

He will see what you are doing as sending mixed signals. I know exactly what you are doing, I've done the same thing myself in trying to edge out gradually. Unfortunately it wont work

You need to be clear and say it is over. I knew the minute my husband walked out the door that he was never coming back but for the best possible reasons I kept him dangling for a year hoping I would change my mind.

You know in your heart of hearts it is over. HE wont work that out by himself because it is not what he wants to hear. It will be better for you both in the long run to rip off the plaster and get it over with

You can’t go to counselling with an abuser, it’s just not recommended.