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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

See all MNHQ comments on this thread

Original poster

Pregnant WWYD

27 replies

Thataboutsomesitup · 19/02/2019 03:36

I have just found out I am in early pregnancy stages. It was an unexpected one night stand with a friend. I already have kids, separated for a year from exh2b. Although not impossible, it would be medically inadvisable to go through with the pregnancy. Aside from that, I don't want any more DC. Friend has no DC and is with someone. WWYD... do you think I should tell him about the pregnancy knowing my intention is to end it? My view is that he would agree but of course I can't be 100% about that without speaking to him. I don't see me going through with it either way.

OP posts:
MNHQ
AnyaMumsnet · 19/02/2019 10:17

We're moving this to AIBU at OP's request.

PalmTree101 · 19/02/2019 10:24

I’d end it and not tell him, you don’t need to be bothering with someone else’s emotions on this.

Aquamarine1029 · 19/02/2019 10:33

I wouldn't tell him and I'd end the pregnancy.

Booboostwo · 19/02/2019 10:39

What would you like from him? Since you know you want a termination do you need to discuss it with another person, are you thinking he might persuade you otherwise? Would you like him to support you emotionally on the day or afterwards? Since you are not in a relationship and for him the sex was adulterous it might be difficult for this to happen. So that leaves only the question of whether he has a right to know...I don't know what I would do based purely on that. Since he has no choice and no say then it might be best if he didn't know anything about it. On the other hand, it is an important thing to keep from him.

Jackshouse · 19/02/2019 10:40

You need to put yourself first here. Are there any pros for you if you tell him? Maybe support but as he is in a relationship this is unlikely.

Auntiepatricia · 19/02/2019 10:41

I’d terminate but maybe tell him if I felt he was a decent person who would not put pressure on me either way.

Bigonesmallone3 · 19/02/2019 10:43

I wouldn't tell him if u plan to end the pregnancy

PlainSpeakingStraightTalking · 19/02/2019 10:44

Dont tell him. it will achieve nothing except passign on guilt

FrenchJunebug · 19/02/2019 10:58

Happened to me. I ended it without telling him.

Original poster
Thataboutsomesitup · 19/02/2019 11:15

It's not for support or a relationship, I just think he should know. We move in the same circles and it's likely he'll find out eventually so my thought process is, if he finds out later and I didn't tell him, it might cause friction. At the end of the day he is equal in this and he should have his place. I am pretty sure he will agree with my course of action.

OP posts:
PlainSpeakingStraightTalking · 19/02/2019 11:19

We move in the same circles and it's likely he'll find out eventually

Why woudl you make public such a private thing?

I note no one has picked up from your OP he is in a relationship, keep your own counsel, dont destroy his life.

Jackshouse · 19/02/2019 11:58

What if he does not agree? Are you wanting him to feel the stress of situation (no judgement, men get it easy)? Would that make the situation easier for you?

PinkHeart5914 · 19/02/2019 12:03

If your getting an abortion then no I wouldn’t mention it, I mean what’s the point? Oh hey I’m pregnant but I’m aborting it, seems nothing but cruel

Why will he find out from the circle of friends? Are you planning on announcing the abortion on Facebook?

You can’t possibly be friends now anyway, you fucked someone in a relationship now your terminating his baby. That friendship is well and truly over

gokartdillydilly · 19/02/2019 12:38

And maybe try not to shag 'friends' who you know are in a relationship?

Original poster
Thataboutsomesitup · 19/02/2019 12:44

No I will not be announcing it anywhere, whether we will still be friends after this I have no idea. I have told my closest friends because that's where I will get my support from. I don't want him to feel stressed, I'm fairly sure i can have an adult conversation with him because we are both adults and both made a decision that night. What's happened has happened and neither me or him can change that. Thanks for offering your opinions.

OP posts:
PinkiOcelot · 19/02/2019 12:58

I wouldn’t tell him. It wouldn’t serve any purpose at all.
Surely if your friends are able to keep their own counsel, he shouldn’t find out in the future!

Booboostwo · 19/02/2019 13:40

You are leaning towards telling him, so tell him. He is equally responsible for what has happened (although he does not get equal say in what happens from now as it is your body and your decision).

AlmostAJillSandwich · 19/02/2019 13:48

Honestly i don't think it's right to not tell him. Obviously it is 100% your decision to keep or terminate, but i feel it only fair he knows this little "life" was created and how one decision could have had a very different ending.
Maybe he's sad to "lose" a child, maybe relieved you terminate, but if you have to have the responsibility of this decision because of your joint choice that night, he should shoulder it too. Maybe he'll be more careful in future.

Original poster
Thataboutsomesitup · 19/02/2019 15:06

Thanks Boob and Almost, I think this is what I think is right. I highly doubt he will want any part of it, which is fine, but if theres more to it that that, I will of course discuss it with him. I have never been in this situation before, never had an accident and at the age of 40ish I certainly don't plan to repeat it.

OP posts:
pumpastrotter · 19/02/2019 16:30

Sorry OP, it's sensitive and never a nice subject, but I'm really struggling to see why you want to tell your 'friend', who is with someone else, that you're pregnant after he cheated with you, but you're not keeping it..... Do you think he should know his swimmers work? If you think he'll eventually find out anyway just because you're in the same circle of friends then I would hazard a guess that you're engineering this for him to find out. Even if he found out you had an abortion does he have to know it was his? Telling him would just be opening a can of worms.

explodingkitten · 19/02/2019 16:37

. We move in the same circles and it's likely he'll find out eventually

Hoe can he find out if you only told a few friends? Did you tell the village gossip or are you planning to do an anouncement on facebook together with a photo of you in front of the abortion clinic?

outpinked · 19/02/2019 16:39

He won’t find out if you keep it to yourself or only tell a very good friend you know you can trust. This isn’t the sort of thing you need to shout from the rooftops. Do it and don’t tell him, there’s no need to.

Original poster
Thataboutsomesitup · 19/02/2019 17:27

I've told him, he was in full agreement with my decision and appreciated me being straight with him. He offered to go with me, which I declined. For anyone who thinks I was trying to engineer for him to be found out, that couldn't be further from the truth. He and I are still friends. I'm glad I told him.

OP posts:
FudgeBrownie2019 · 19/02/2019 17:32

Flowers OP, have you decided to definitely terminate? No judgement, but if you have, go easy on yourself. It's such a big decision and it's good you're able to rely on those around you for help.

Booboostwo · 19/02/2019 20:36

I am glad he is supporting you. Flowers