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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Husband helping out

60 replies

ashog · 18/02/2019 20:29

So I know everyone's circumstances are different but I'm getting to the point I'm ready to walk away. I'm a stay at home mum to a 3 year old (under investigation for asd) and a 6 month old. I cannot take them out on my own as my son has meltdowns, doesn't understand danger, can be pushy with other children and is a runner so I have to be be his side. My husband works full time. I get what I can done in the day but I will admit it's hard as I cannot leave either or both to leave downstairs so even to go to the toilet I have to time it well. So to get to the point cleaning of the floors, kitchen ect cannot be done until after he's home and the kids are in bed. Other half comes home and has his bath (as he's a bullder) then sits down all night.... while I cook tea, tidy up after the kids, sort the kids out, finally have a bath then I'm cleaning. I feel so worn out and feel he should help out. He does load the dishwasher and help put them to bed. Nothing else. I've asked numerous times for help and his opinion is he works and all this should be done in the day... easier said than done esp when it's wooden floors with him coming in in shoes and the toddler in and out the garden and then food from tea everywhere. Am I being unreasonable asking for help. I don't rest. He won't even cook if I refuse to he gets take out which we can't afford. He gets from 3 o'clock. I'm lucky some nights to get 1 hour which also means I'm going bed later and at the minute I am exhausted. If things don't change I want to walk away as I can do this on my own. We are not happy anymore as he says I'm always going on at him... im really starting to dislike him and his opinions on everything home related is my 'job'. I try most nights to talk to him but he's not the talking type and arguments happen.

OP posts:

Original poster

ashog · 21/02/2019 11:35

Pernickity1. Well only been a few days but I told him to leave the other night. I feel so much better. Yes it's hard with arrangements for the children but I'm sooo much more relaxed even doing the extra pots and being up half the night with poorly children haha

OP posts:

swingofthings · 21/02/2019 11:58

It doesn't have to black or white. You both work hard and both deserve some help. I do agree with Adrian that you are probably focused on how hard you have it, you can't appreciate any longer that your OH has it has hard when he is working. You need to focus on solutions.

You say your ds attends nursery. This is the time you need to use to the best. You don't need to go to playgroup with your DD every time. Divide that time. One day go to playgroup, another day, make it a clean the house day and involve you DD give her safe cleaning instrument to 'help you', another day can be cooking meals for the week to put in the freezer. You could the agree that one or twice a week, he take the frozen meals and defrost it.

You need to put the energy on getting your DD and ds to have a nap at the same time and use that one hour to rest and do what you want so you get that break each day.

Don't just focus on what you oh doesn't do but consider what he might be doing you are forgetting about. Does he do DIY, gardening, take the dog out, sort out the car etc...

If your miserable, you do need to so something about it and yes, some or it might be you oh picking up a few more tasks, but it might very well mean you needing to be better organised with your time. There are many ways to simplify every day tasks and I'm quite surprised how so many sahm don't apply these (example of cooking in batch and freezing being one of them).

Wedgiecar58 · 21/02/2019 12:15

Agree with PP, you need to get a cleaner and a double buggy.

Just 2 hours, a couple of times a week. It would make the world of difference!

It's not that expensive, and while they're cleaning you can take the kids out even if its just for a walk in the buggy. Take them to the park or to feed the ducks.

I suspect the issue is not really the housework, it's you feeling resentful that he is out all day and you're stuck inside staring at all the jobs you can't get to do.

ColdTattyWaitingForSummer · 21/02/2019 12:29

OP. There is nothing more exhausting than living with someone you no longer like or respect. On paper my life should be harder as a single mum, but the reality is that the mental load is so much lighter now, and I could never go back to how things were. If you’re stressed then the kids will pick up on that too. The old cliche of happy mum = happy kids is probably a bit over simplistic, but there’s a lot of truth there.

EKGEMS · 21/02/2019 13:49

Unless you've been a parent of a challenging, special needs child you can't appreciate how exhausting it can be. I cannot imagine a second baby to look after. These children's brains are not wired the same as developmentally normal ones. My kid is now a young adult but if anything the challenges just change with age to be fair. Even the strongest marriages can crumble with a special child. I don't blame you one iota for kicking him out. Mine is not a runner or violent towards other children so I'm fortunate in that respect OP. Contact child support bureau and then see if you can get support for your son.

Original poster

ashog · 21/02/2019 14:22

Thank you ekgems. He has a 1-2-1 at nursery. The house is his comfort zone. He isn't too bad here. Luckily the baby is so good. We are under alot of different teams just a slow process. Thank you for your comment. He thinks I just sit on my 'arse' all day. Imagine haha that would be good. I'm currently trying to cook tea with the baby crying as she's bored and hungry and my son stood on a chair testing his luck to climb over into the kitchen.

OP posts:

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 21/02/2019 14:28

So he's actually gone!?!?!

Brilliant news, @ashog

You'll probably find life much easier without that lazy shite sitting on his arse demanding his dinner every night.

He thinks I just sit on my 'arse' all day

Oh just wait until he has the kids on his own for a bit...

You can do this.

BonBonVoyage · 21/02/2019 20:31

ashog I hope you're doing OK. I hope your dh leaving is a positive step for you (I imagine it must be!)

Original poster

ashog · 22/02/2019 22:15

Greenfingers yes he has gone! He's been back to see the children and popped at 1am this morning to take my daughter to get checked at hospital but he is actually gone. He hasn't taken all of his stuff but he sure will be doing. 4 hours sleep last night and not tired so far.... unfortunately he is here tomorrow babysitting so I can have some time out with my mum for lunch as I don't want my daughter to go out unwell but I can finally have some me time! I have cooked 2 meals today for the next 2 night to get prepared.

Bonbon yes it definitely feels like it is a positive. I feel more relaxed. Focused and less stressed to have one less person to take care of and think about

OP posts:

BonBonVoyage · 25/02/2019 13:40

You have one less person to think about and take care of, but also there is nobody now coming to judge you and find you lacking (even though you're not). And also no more unfulfilled hopes of him getting up off his backside age doing something to help. Hope you had a nice weekend

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