Husband helping out

[ashog]

So I know everyone's circumstances are different but I'm getting to the point I'm ready to walk away. I'm a stay at home mum to a 3 year old (under investigation for asd) and a 6 month old. I cannot take them out on my own as my son has meltdowns, doesn't understand danger, can be pushy with other children and is a runner so I have to be be his side. My husband works full time. I get what I can done in the day but I will admit it's hard as I cannot leave either or both to leave downstairs so even to go to the toilet I have to time it well. So to get to the point cleaning of the floors, kitchen ect cannot be done until after he's home and the kids are in bed. Other half comes home and has his bath (as he's a bullder) then sits down all night.... while I cook tea, tidy up after the kids, sort the kids out, finally have a bath then I'm cleaning. I feel so worn out and feel he should help out. He does load the dishwasher and help put them to bed. Nothing else. I've asked numerous times for help and his opinion is he works and all this should be done in the day... easier said than done esp when it's wooden floors with him coming in in shoes and the toddler in and out the garden and then food from tea everywhere. Am I being unreasonable asking for help. I don't rest. He won't even cook if I refuse to he gets take out which we can't afford. He gets from 3 o'clock. I'm lucky some nights to get 1 hour which also means I'm going bed later and at the minute I am exhausted. If things don't change I want to walk away as I can do this on my own. We are not happy anymore as he says I'm always going on at him... im really starting to dislike him and his opinions on everything home related is my 'job'. I try most nights to talk to him but he's not the talking type and arguments happen.

Maybe it is time to change the approach, that`s all I am saying.
Bullshit. Read your own posts. You were saying putting the children to bed and loading the dishwasher were op’s jobs and she should be grateful for him supporting her. Her providing childcare enables him to go to work.

Try to be nice to him. He is a man! Most men I met with did not have the same sensitivity as us! They are less familiar with subtle - one can be still firm and charming with them at the same time.

What a load of rubbish. You’re letting men off too easily by saying they’re not capable of being sensitive or understanding subtle. Awful awful awful advice.

Thanks for all the replies so far they have made me smile, laugh and cry so far (asking if I have enough support) which actually makes me feel like I haven't.it is hard with appointments each week for my son, tests, that in itself is draining. I am glad I'm not hoping for something that is impossible with sharing roles. I do appreciate what he does and he is self employed and I do help him out with that if he needs help or asks for advice. I think today enough is enough having 2 poorly children. An upside down kitchen because of a leak. Cooking 3 meals to try and get prepared, and him refusing to still do stuff tonight

I think it's better to split now rather than later. I couldn't abide even dating a lazy person. Simply working is not a Get Out of Life free pass. There is no mutual respect here, just a person who thinks lifework doesn't apply to him. Fuck that. I would quit threatening.

He should step up a bit and help at night.
I say help because as a sahm most of the jobs are yours, he can't do them when he isn't there.
Stop cleaning at night, have a limit of after tea nothing.
He comes in and you have a rota of who does what. So maybe you cook and he sees to the kids.
Then you both finish off the washing up and prep for tomorrow.
You should both finish together.

@adriano007 are you the OPs husband?!

What was he like before you had kids OP? Did he do his fair share of things around the house and only stopped when you became a stay at home mum?

Popcorn. We didn't live together before my first. Together for 12 years. Married for 3 1/2 (we brought it forward a year and got married while i was pregnant so we could all have the same name as i aasnt fussed about the big white wedding) living together for 3 years. My first was a doddle really I have struggled since he has gotten older and my daughter came along. Before my daughter came the 3 mornings he is at nursery I used to get alot of tea prep done. Washing, cleaning ironing, the works. I could wiz shopping. Now I have baby groups with her and she's a baby that has to be rocked to sleep as she dislikes going to sleep. As soon as you put her down when she's asleep... bam... She's awake haha

He should step up a bit and help at night.
I say help because as a sahm most of the jobs are yours, he can't do them when he isn't there.

He is there at night. He is there in the evening.

It is totally unfair to expect the op to get all (any) of the housework done in the daytime because she is with both children all the time. He needs to do some as well. Not help.

Purple

I have to beg to differ, but we're all different.
I've never expected dh to do housework because as a sahm I thought it my job.
However, he does more than me.
It's the expectancy. OP says he's lazy, well he clearly isn't if he works ft.
OP says herself she respects what he does for them, and he should do more, but if the floor doesn't get done, so what it will still be there in the morning.
If he does his fair share until they are both finished that will be a huge help wouldn't it?

I have to beg to differ, but we're all different.
I've never expected dh to do housework because as a sahm I thought it my job.

Is your child autistic romany? Did you read the op? How is she supposed to get any housework done in the situation she’s described?

My ex used to say things like 'just leave that' rather than getting off his backside to join in cleaning, like his 'part' was done by giving me the ok to not bother cleaning and tidying.
Lazy.
He too wouldn't cook and we got in debt because I worked 7 days mostly 18 hours and it caught up with me some nights I'd literally crawl up the stairs to bed with no tea. He'd call in a takeaway.
Lazy.
I redecorates the whole house single handed I needed him to move the huge fridge freezer - literally the only thing I couldn't struggle to do myself and the idle git couldn't even help with that!!
Lazy.
You won't change him. He obviously doesn't care about his family living in a shit tip. It sounds petty but I would make one last plea for support - tell him exactly what you'd like him to do. If he won't then I'd make damn sure to leave all his jobs to him. I would do absolutely nothing for him, don't clean his clothes, dishes, cook his meals, iron his shirts etc etc if he starts to have an issue simply say you had a busy day doing your job, surely those things are HIS jobs??!
Good luck!

I’m a sahm too. I totally respect and appreciate what dh brings to our family and he respects and appreciates my contribution. He has no desire to be a sahd and I don’t fancy doing his job either.

We both work all day. When we’re both in the house together we’re both responsible for it and the dc. Just as if we had both walked in from outside.

When the dc were small the house was low on the list of priorities and it showed. The dc needed attention and I needed rest and sleep and a relationship, the house was a poor fourth.

For a while I tried putting the house in 2nd place on that list and my health, MH and our marriage suffered.

I’d strongly advise that you drop standards a bit OP. If he’s happy to wear crumpled clothes why not let him? It doesn’t reflect on you (except to people living in a 1950s time warp and do you care?). Learn to live with a bit of mess - it’s really liberating. I know it feels like now is forever, but it’s not. And in a short while it will all get much easier.

If you really can’t handle the mess, he could hire a cleaner to do his half. Or you could hand him the dc when he walks in, put your earphones on so you don’t hear the moans and endless questions and just clean and tidy. Hoover while he’s watching tv.

But above all start talking about your role with respect. Take yourself seriously. You know you’re working hard and if it’s not possible to have a sparkling house in the circumstances (and it’s really not) put the blame for that squarely where it belongs.

In our house we have different roles and do different types of work. We are entitled to equal leisure and equal access to the money and financial decisions. There is absolutely no way that I would stay at home and enable his career progression without that as a bare minimum standard.

Turn the tables round and leave the kids with him for a week and see how he gets on. Seriously stop running round after him, stop cleaning and hand the kids over too him.

@adriano007 oh stfu, if she did not stay at home he could not work.

Been there, very hard! Dh worked very long hours (often 12 a day) and the only "job" he took on was reading to them. Dd at least calmed down for him and he would read until she slept (no easy feat, a right night owl). Even now there's friction because dd still needs a lot of support compared to other young adults and he can't see what I do.

But it does get easier, and one tip - double buggy until 5 or 6!

OP my baby is similar to yours, does not like to be put down! Not because of anything to do with your DH (he's a lazy arse by the way) but for your own sanity, have you tried a fabric sling? DS actually slept for a total of four hours in it today (not all in one hit, and I don't use it every day). I was able to do a few bits around the house, this does not abdicate responsibility from your DH, but might make you feel less stressed. I was also able to have lunch and read my book for half an hour (bliss). DS loves the slightly bouncymotion as I walk around with him.in it and is happy even when he's not sleeping. It gives you your hands back, which might make dealing with your DS easier. I cannot stress enough I'm not saying use a sling so you can run around do everything and your DH continues with his sloth like behaviour. Just that it might help you feel a bit more in control.
He seriously needs to up his game.

How tiring for you OP and stressful!
It’s just no fun being weighed down by all of the responsibilities. I’ve seen advice in the past to list every single thing that you do, abandon the house and kids for a week, stop doing anything at all for him and only look after yourself and the kids, but at the end of the day, hearing how tired and miserable you are should be enough to make him step up and share some more responsibilities in the home. To be honest, if he won’t act to make things better for you, he’s not on your team!

You could ask him why he thinks a man with 2 small children, one of whom has SN can expect to come home and lounge for the evening like a single man?

I bet he's a lazy bastard at weekends as well.

You need to try and relax a bit with the cleaning. He needs to step up a bit too.

Weekends are perfect for cleaning. Divide the jobs up at the weekend. Bare minimum during the week. Clothes washed, floor brushed and kitchen wiped.

If he's happy without his clothes ironed - great!!

Give yourself a break. Your job is too look after the kids. And yourself. You need time to relax in the evenings too or you'll be running on empty.

This is all very familiar... right down to the self employed builder! Wish I could offer some good advice OP but I’ve just decided to muddle through for now until I’m in a financial position to leave. I’ve struggle to find anything I like about him anymore. The laziness sends me into a seething rage these days and I know deep down I can’t live with this slovenly pig for the rest of my days.

Blimey threads like these really remind me of how great by partner is.

He works 40+hrs a week in a physical demanding job and one of the first things he does when he comes home is make me a cuppa and takes over so I can have a little break. He also does most of the cooking and does a great share of parenting when he's home, working doesn't get you out of your domestic responsibilities.

My partner also jokes that he doesn't know how I manage to do the childcare every day he's at work as he'd be so exhausted and would probably go mad lol

Pernickity1. I was doing the same but I'm past the point of thinking financially now as the other day I Googled depression and I think the penny dropped then. Things always work themselves out in the long run but being unhappy doesn't. You omly get one life. I feel the same about not finding much to like anymore. All your comments and support are greatly appreciated. After a row he went out for a few hours. I messaged as the children are poorly and wouldn't settle and I was up to them every 5 mins. He didn't come back as I'm here. Not happy atall. Think I've made my mind up. I've got to think of the children and make sure I'm abit more happy for there sake.

Definitely sounds like a good un there @Yidette86!

That's another hugely ignorant and selfish act OP.... Men that get huffy and just walk out. For hours, leaving you dangling. You don't just walk out for hours in a huff because of your DC.. It wouldn't occur to you to just walk out as much as you'd love to sometimes! grr I hate that trait among some men 😡

Yes Novelsic I hate this too! I’d never even consider walking out on my DC if I was in a strop with him but he thinks he has the right to come and go as he pleases - as it’s obvious he thinks they’re my responsibility, not his.

You are so right to prioritize your happiness OP, I wish I was as brave! Best of luck and I hope things get happier for you soon