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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU not to want to help any more? MH issues

34 replies

R3ALLY · 18/02/2019 14:53

Sorry in advance for a selfish post. DH has mental health issues and has dealt very well with some, including addiction, but has an ongoing battle with anxiety and panic attacks. He's in the grip of a huge panic spiral this week and I'm finding it hard to cope. He feels everything is terrible and the world is out to get him, the problem is he keeps trying to include me in this, telling me how awful everything is and how he needs my sympathy and support unconditionally. He also yells at me when he is frustrated, or blames me for making things worse as I'm the only person he talks to or who knows about his problems and I'm the only person he can lash out at. I know I'm supposed to support him. But... I'm finding this so hard. I've done my own counselling and I've been told I need to watch my own MH and this is not helping me. I don't want to be dragged down by him. I have a reasonably good life, the normal stresses and strains but I could cope with them. What I cant' cope with is someone telling me constantly how awful everything is. He won't go to counselling or the GP as he says he's able to cope, it's just life is throwing too much at him at the moment and it's unfair. The last conversation we had, I told him to go to the counselor he used to see and he told me we couldn't afford it, this is baloney, we're not rich but we can certainly spare money for important medical treatment. I feel like he's looking for an excuse. Every time I google MH issues I see how important it is for the partner to be supportive and listen, but I don't think I can any more. I saw that cartoon about the person under the 'depression blanket' and what you're supposed to do is crawl in there under it and hold him.. but I don't want to be under the depression blanket! Is that terribly selfish of me? I keep hearing people saying, if you have MH issues just reach out and talk. But it's not that easy...

OP posts:

Maelstrop · 18/02/2019 15:05

I empathise, I couldn't cope with it. Can you persuade him to go to the counseling sessions? I'm not sure how you force someone to go or take medication unless you get him sectioned. Obviously, this is not straight forward.

Piffle11 · 18/02/2019 15:18

I can empathise. I was in a relationship with someone for 5 years: at the beginning he was insecure and anxious, by the end he was paranoid, emotionally abusive, and blaming everything on me. I was the only one who knew about his problems: he refused to go to a local MH helpcentre in case someone recognised him. He tried lots of different anti depressants/anti anxiety medication - none seemed to help. He went to hypnotherapy, and other alternative treatments (provided they weren't local) and insisted that I paid for half of them, as 'it's partly your fault'. After 5 years I was mentally exhausted, and I was on the brink of a nervous breakdown. I went to my doctor about something unrelated, and he recognised something in my behaviour and started talking to me about my MH … he advised me to have a think about what he'd said and go back if needed. Two weeks later I hit a mental wall, so to speak. Couldn't function. Ended up on medication: told exDP who kindly said that I was trying to make it all about me. Depression - or maybe the medication - actually gave me the clarity to end the relationship and I've never looked back. I'm not saying your DH is the same, but I did often feel that my exDP didn't want to get completely better: it's like he had a hold over me: 'yeah go on, leave me now that I'm ill, what a heartless bitch' etc. I don't think my ex will ever get better, as he is just that type of personality - pessimistic, bitter, always someone else's fault. With MH problems, all the literature I have read - and I read A LOT when with ex - stated that as soon as your MH starts to be affected, you must walk away. It may seem harsh, but some people never get better, and you need to decide whether you're prepared for this to be your life, day in, day out.

Teacakequeen · 18/02/2019 15:25

It's one thing to be supportive but you can't cure him, he has to want to seek help. If he's not willing, what can you do? You shouldn't sacrifice your whole life to him. He sounds abusive really

RolandDeschainsGilly · 18/02/2019 15:27

Nah fuck that. If he isn’t willing to be treated then leave him.

TowelNumber42 · 18/02/2019 15:29

It can be helpful for a partner to support the ill person through the ill person's treatment and recovery. That's all. There is no "should" in there.

It is extremely unhelpful for a partner to act as an emotional crutch / amateur therapist so the ill person can avoid getting proper treatment and support.

Right now you are supporting him not getting treatment and it is hurting both of you. Stop it.

Tell him you will no longer tolerate him yelling at you and lashing out at you. This is not an acceptable way of managing his emotions. You have to close off abuse of you as a relief so he has to go to the real therapist and seek acceptable strategies.

Poor MH is not a free pass to hurt people nor is it a free pass to be selfish. Other people still have the right to enforce being treated with respect by a person with poor MH.

Aquamarine1029 · 18/02/2019 15:30

Him suffering from anxiety and mental health issues does not give him a pass to suck you into the abyss with him. He is being abusive, end of. Tell him if he won't get help IMMEDIATELY, it's over. Don't allow him to destroy your life.

CalmdownJanet · 18/02/2019 15:31

This won't be a popular opinion but I would leave him. I would stay and support and help my dh IF he was willing to help himself too and go to the gp etc but if isn't going to help himself then expecting someone else to help and carry the burden if unfair. There is also a point where it can actually be emotional abuse and for some depression is the ideal excuse to hide behind and blame for their abusive behaviour, seems like a fine line to me

Wolfiefan · 18/02/2019 15:34

You can’t cure him.
If he isn’t willing to seek help then you have to decide if you’re willing to carry on as things are. I couldn’t live with someone yelling at me.

sugarbum · 18/02/2019 15:34

I empathise too OP. I see a lot of posts these days online about MH issues, and 'be kind' and so on. And very selfishly I just want to scream BUT WHAT ABOUT ME!!!! I F*CKING HAVE TO LIVE WITH IT!

Jamiefraserskilt · 18/02/2019 15:36

He says he can cope so won't speak to the gp.
Yeah, right.
He is using you as a whipping post. He may be able to cope but you can't. You are not a professional and it is making you ill.
Tell him you cannot do this any more single handedly and he needs to see a professional or risk losing you.
You must protect your own mh. He is out of control and needs to recognise this. You will support him but not at the risk of him stealing away your wellbeing.

LagunaBubbles · 18/02/2019 15:37

You can't force him to seek help. What you can do is look after yourself and this is normal, not selfish.

Original poster

R3ALLY · 18/02/2019 15:41

Thank you. Thank you. In tears reading the responses. I was so sure I'd get 'oh you have to support him, he's in agony'. I would love to leave but trapped by mortgage, kids, inability to support two households etc. I am going to tell him tonight that I won't listen to anything else until he seeks professional help. I know I'll be called all the names under the sun, cruel, unfeeling etc. Or the old favourite 'there you go, making it all about you'. But he is making my life so miserable!

OP posts:

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 18/02/2019 15:45

This is not you being selfish. This is him being selfish.

He won't go to counselling or the GP as he says he's able to cope, it's just life is throwing too much at him at the moment and it's unfair.

But he very obviously cannot cope and he's pushing it all onto you.

He absolutely must seek professional help. And you're right, you need to protect your own mental health too. I think you sound very balanced.

RolandDeschainsGilly · 18/02/2019 15:49

I ended up with severe anxiety and panic disorder thanks to ExDH. He controlled, coerced, gaslighted, financially and mentally abused me whilst claiming to be “grieving”.

Absolutely fucking NOT okay.

Wolfiefan · 18/02/2019 15:51

I had depression and anxiety. DH stayed. But instead of putting it all on him I went to the GP. Ended up on medication and having CBT. He supported me but he couldn’t fix it for me.
And me having MH issues? Not an excuse to treat anyone badly.

doctorfrog · 18/02/2019 16:03

As everyone else is saying, he isn't coping - he's lashing out at you. It's not uncaring or selfish for you to say that's not ok, or to insist he gets actual help for his problems. If you're in a position where you can afford for him to get private counselling that's fantastic and he should do it. Yes it's hard - but it should be hard to be the one making your DW miserable too.

As you've said yourself, you need to look after your own mental health too. I say this as someone married to a man with bipolar. I do my best to help him but he has to continue to get outside help too - it can't all be on me.

(I think the depression blanket thing can actually be quite unhelpful. Everyone is different of course, but I know that when my DH is in that part of his cycle he needs someone to gently remind him to eat some vegetables, get some fresh air etc, not someone to help him wallow.)

Nothinglefttochoose · 18/02/2019 16:44

So he won’t go to the Dr and he won’t go to counseling? The two ways you can get better are either take medication, go to counselling or even better do both. He’s not willing to do either. He doesn’t want to get better. I’d give him an ultimatum. I have a friend whose husband sounds like your DO. He had been a drain in her for years.

TowelNumber42 · 18/02/2019 17:53

Be prepared for the guilt tripping. You already know what he will say. This time you have to be ready with what you will say and, crucially, what you will do.

I recommend simple statements about yourself. I am unhappy with how you treat me. I will walk out of the room if you treat me disrespectfully. I will not be your counsellor any more. If you get a counsellor and he/she directly asks me to support you in specific ways then I will do so.

Do not negotiate. Being treated respectfully by your spouse is not open to negotiation.

He will need time to get his head round you meaning it so don't have a big heart to heart or all night discussion or a row. Anything he says can be met with "This shows why I can't carry on as I was."

Don't engage with histrionics. Treat it like a toddler tantrum. Walk away. Repeat like broken record. Mainly ignore. Ovaries of steel. Wait for him to sleep on it.

Jengnr · 18/02/2019 19:08

My husband has anxiety and depression. I am willing to support him provided he takes his meds and engages with any counselling.
Ill people need support but if they’re not prepared to help themselves then why should someone else provide it?

If he isn’t prepared to help himself why the fuck does he expect you to help him. Just no.

Living with someone with poor mh is awful. Love to you xx

crummyusername · 18/02/2019 19:12

So sorry to hear you are going through this. How old are your DC - old enough to notice what’s going on?

MatildaTheCat · 18/02/2019 19:13

I would offer him support by way of making him an urgent appointment with the GP. If he refused to attend I would be very seriously wondering whether I wanted to be with him.

If you can’t actually leave the relationship you can simply leave the room when he lashes out at you. That’s simply unacceptable behaviour. I bet he doesn’t lash out at anyone else?

Outnotdown · 18/02/2019 20:29

My husband had serious mental health issues. I was happy to support him, once he put as much effort into helping himself as I did into supporting him to do that.

If he had not done that, I could not have stayed. He is well now, thanks largely to the work he put into it.

Don't martyr yourself. Tell him you can't continue unless he makes an effort. And see a solicitor about the practicalities of separating.

TheEndofIt · 18/02/2019 20:46

OP, sorry you're going through this.

I agree with previous posters that he must get help.

And I also agree with you about the "blanket" narrative. I've also seen those adverts, mêmes etc & usually think "well, try living with someone depressed" - it's not a barrel of laughs, is it?

Personally, I think I have depression burnout. I've done 3 years of it here, it's not getting any better & I've just had enough.

PlinkPlink · 18/02/2019 20:48

Depression turned me into a bit of a selfish twat.

However, depression is not am excuse to lash out at people. I was a dick and I had to pay the consequences for it. I lost a couple of great friendships because I was awful. It made me learn my lesson.

He has depression but that doesn't give him a free pass to take it out on you. Ever. It sounds like he expects you to just fucking put up and shut up because he has depression.

And he doesn't even want to be treated?! I wish you could leave and spend some time apart (not break up necessarily). He needs to do this on his own, he needs to reach this conclusion on his own and he's using you to enable his sucking void syndrome (my phrase for depression). It sounds like he wants to take you down with him.

TowelNumber42 · 18/02/2019 21:44

If money is not a big issue and your MH is suffering then perhaps you should be going for counselling yourself. As well as helping you this might remove some of his intertia.

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