Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask for support with a socially awkward partner?

42 replies

whiteblankpage · 18/02/2019 13:19

Been married to DH for 5 years, and when when it’s just us and the kids we all have a great time, lots of laughing and interesting conversation. Occasionally DH misses the mark with a joke or tone but it’s certainly not a massive issue.

In public, he is hugely socially awkward. Probably would describe himself as an introvert overall but enjoys going out with me and having dinner with friends/family etc. Yesterday we were at a family wedding. I was driving so no alcohol and he drank.

I cringed so many times I lost count. He seems to miss all non-verbal cues, can’t reliably read the tone of the conversation, takes the piss out of people, shows off, Doesn’t partake in 2-way conversations.

Because I was sober I think it was highlighted more to me, plus the fact that it was the first time we had met a cousins new partner who was so charming, and interesting, it seemed to throw it into sharp relief.

Please don’t get me wrong, I love DH absolutely loads but I really wish everyone could see the man he is behind closed doors. I couldn’t wait to get away to be honest as I could see people getting a bit sick; as we left, DH said he’d had a blast, had I? I said it was ok but actually it was horrible and I now dread going out together.

I don’t want to say anything to him, because I don’t want to hurt his feelings but I also love all of our family get togethers and I don’t want this to spoil it.

OP posts:
Fr3d · 18/02/2019 13:23

How many were drinking/sober? Sounds normal enough drunken behaviour. I wouldn't compare him to others if you can help it. No one is perfect and there are worse flaws to have.

Original poster
whiteblankpage · 18/02/2019 13:26

It was only an afternoon do, no heavy drinking, 50/50 split of those drinking.
I absolutely wouldn’t mind if it didn’t impact our relationships so much - he insults people, and people think he’s a bit of a knob. I just think it’s such a shame.

OP posts:
Aquamarine1029 · 18/02/2019 13:28

I fail to see why you haven't spoken to him about this. He needs to hear how his behaviour is affecting you and people's impression of him.

Original poster
whiteblankpage · 18/02/2019 13:32

I know I maybe should have said something, because I would like him to say to me if my behaviour was affecting him. But he doesn’t take criticism well to be honest, and can I really expect him to change?

OP posts:
AutumnCrow · 18/02/2019 13:37

How did he insult people, if you don't mind saying? I appreciate this must be difficult.

Original poster
whiteblankpage · 18/02/2019 13:47

one cousin is expecting twins, and he was saying how excited he was. DH starts about how he’s so naive, his life is about to change beyond all recognition, he’ll never sleep again, slapping his thighs and laughing his head off. A couple of raised eyebrows round the table and the cousin in question takes it good naturedly but it was quite clear he was unimpressed. Then it comes out that this cousin also doesn’t like alcohol, and if he goes out with his mates he always asks for a lager and lime to disguise the taste. Dh’s reaction was ridiculous, pretending to be doubled over laughing, mocking him for being so weak etc. At this point, he is the only person laughing and someone else awakwrdly tried to change the subject, I interjected to ask him to get me a drink from the bar.

I absolutely hate recounting that story actually because it makes him sound like an absolute cock but he’s only like that in company.

OP posts:
miggeldysthepres · 18/02/2019 13:51

The thing with the twins actually could be quite funny. I get the thing with the alcohol being a bit weird. Is your Dh frokm a different culture where it's part of the humour to take the piss out of each other by any chance e.g. Irish? What youve said sounds like normal chat amongst lots of ppl I know.

lettymoo · 18/02/2019 13:55

It sounds like he's going a bit too far and coming across as quite a twat to other people. I had an exDP who used to behave in quite a similar way. He didn't used to leave the house very often and it seemed like he just got far too carried away with the excitement of being out when he was around other people. It resulted in people not inviting me to things and someone had a quiet word to tell me that they wanted me to come but he was making people feel very uncomfortable. I think you need to say something despite the fact he doesn't take criticism well or this could end up meaning neither of you are invited to things

Original poster
whiteblankpage · 18/02/2019 13:56

No different cultures. The problem is, it might be funny if that was the ‘mood of the room’; what the cousin was actually recounting was a very emotional story about how he’s always wanted to be a dad and he couldn’t be more delighted after 4 years of IVF that they’re now expecting. See what I mean about not reading cues? It wasn’t appropriate and no one else found it funny. If I made a joke, even tipsy, that no one else laughed at, id be reining it in not carrying it on.

OP posts:
Northernparent68 · 18/02/2019 14:16

I’m sorry but your husband sounds like a loser, it is n’t acceptable to behave in the manner you describe. Why are worried about his feelings when he does n’t care about anyone else’s feeling ?

MyShinyWhiteTeeth · 18/02/2019 14:17

My Ex was socially embarrassing when he'd had a few drinks. He came across as a bit of a bully but his family always toned it down as humorous pranks and jokes. The put-downs were always on people who were the centre of attention for some reason or those he thought needed taking down a peg or two. He tells gross exaggerations of stories that star him as the hero, single-handedly saving the world.

I'd tell him he was a bit rude, taking it a bit far, being in bad taste and he was upsetting people. He wouldn't have it. If they got upset they were prudes/oversensitive/killjoys.

There is a video of him harassing a younger family member, who is eventually brought to tears, taken when he was younger. I was disgusted when I saw it. He had no awareness of how badly he came across in the video. He wonders why that relative now wants nothing to do with him.

He behaves generally when at work so I believe he can reign it in.

AutumnCrow · 18/02/2019 14:21

Sounds like he's not listening and playing a role, with blinkers on.

Some people have such charm or force of personality that they are able to create 'the mood of the room' themselves; most people do not.

Original poster
whiteblankpage · 18/02/2019 14:30

Thanks for taking the time to comment.
He’s not a loser, he’s an intelligent and loving man, who struggles with appropriate interaction in social situations.
I am going to speak with him and explain how I feel, and how he makes other people feel.

OP posts:
AutumnCrow · 18/02/2019 14:40

He certainly isn't the first person to let nerves / social awkwardness get the better of them, and he won't be the last.

A lot of great comedy was built on the premise. Basil Fawlty and Colonel Hall, many of the exploits of Del and Rodney, various Monty Python sketches ...I

It's how you talk to him and how he responds that's going to be key.

HeathRobinson · 18/02/2019 14:46

Could you agree a signal with him, for when he needs to tone it down?

Original poster
whiteblankpage · 18/02/2019 14:54

As we were leaving, he actually had a one-to-on conversation with said cousin saying if he needed any help putting furniture together or walking the dog etc we’re just round the corner - he is generous and kind, but in a group and with a drink in him he’s crap.
I think I will just say that the way he behaves in public turns people off especially if he’s had a drink, maybe we could work on it together.

OP posts:
Loftyswops988 · 18/02/2019 15:32

My dad is quite like this. I say quite but it can actually make me want the ground to swallow me up in social situations. He is okay one to one but as soon as we're out and about he loses all ability to navigate social situations. Family parties I squirm as people ask him how he's doing and he says 'good thanks' and doesn't return the question whilst eating all the snacks in the corner. He also never ever says thank you when meals are put down in restaurants etc and just doesn't pick up on cues. He is mortified whenever I bring it up but it doesn't change it. Have you considered he may be on the spectrum?

Loftyswops988 · 18/02/2019 15:33

To add to that, I can also understand the not reading the room thing - my dad is also often the one laughing at his own slightly off the mark jokes when no one else is!

Squirrelblanket · 18/02/2019 16:28

Just wanted to say that what you are describing and introversion are two very different things. I think it's more likely to be the sort of issue as suggested by Loftyswops above.

DoneLikeAKipper · 18/02/2019 16:43

My partner is like this. I think he was encouraged to be the loudest voice in the room by his family growing up, probably as a defence mechanism for bullying. He also has a complete inability to ‘read’ people/situations either, however if I feel he’s crossed the line I will (obviously in private) bring it up later. It’s the exact same as you though, when it’s just us as a family, it’s usual not noticeable, I guess it’s a lack of audience to ‘act up’ to.

Original poster
whiteblankpage · 18/02/2019 17:50

Anyone got any advice on how to broach it then? Because I don’t want to hurt his feelings, and he did have a good time yesterday but obviously I’m concerned he’s going to permanently damage relationships.

OP posts:
ThreeAnkleBiters · 18/02/2019 17:54

Tricky. I do think you should very kindly and in anon accusatory way bring it up with him. You could couch it as cultural differences between your two families. Tell him the banter isn't really appropriate with your family.

ThreeAnkleBiters · 18/02/2019 17:55

It does sound like he could be a bit on the spectrum.

DoneLikeAKipper · 18/02/2019 18:02

Anyone got any advice on how to broach it then? Because I don’t want to hurt his feelings

Is it ok for him to hurt or offend others though? You don’t have to be rude or sharp about it. For example, if I feel my partner was over the top in company I’ll say

‘You got a bit carried away when we talked to X. You were loud and took over the conversation, maybe remember not to interrupt next time?’

Or

‘Did you have to make that joke? Sometimes you need to think before you speak, you kind of embarrassed X and me there’.

It doesn’t have to be an argument to draw attention to things that may have offended others. I’d certainly want someone to tell me if I was overstepping the mark in social situations on more than one occasion.

TheMightyToosh · 18/02/2019 18:05

Does he realise afterwards OP, when he's sobered up? Or does he still feel like he had a great time and was the life and soul?

I've lived with this in a parent and in myself due to social anxiety, and I know that alcohol plus nerves is a bad combination, so I would definitely start by making him the designated driver for the next outing.

If he's really anxious when out and about, maybe his doctor could prescribe beta blockers to take the edge of his nerves so he can relax more with drinking.

Swipe left for the next trending thread