To ask for support with a socially awkward partner?

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Been married to DH for 5 years, and when when it’s just us and the kids we all have a great time, lots of laughing and interesting conversation. Occasionally DH misses the mark with a joke or tone but it’s certainly not a massive issue.

In public, he is hugely socially awkward. Probably would describe himself as an introvert overall but enjoys going out with me and having dinner with friends/family etc. Yesterday we were at a family wedding. I was driving so no alcohol and he drank.

I cringed so many times I lost count. He seems to miss all non-verbal cues, can’t reliably read the tone of the conversation, takes the piss out of people, shows off, Doesn’t partake in 2-way conversations.

Because I was sober I think it was highlighted more to me, plus the fact that it was the first time we had met a cousins new partner who was so charming, and interesting, it seemed to throw it into sharp relief.

Please don’t get me wrong, I love DH absolutely loads but I really wish everyone could see the man he is behind closed doors. I couldn’t wait to get away to be honest as I could see people getting a bit sick; as we left, DH said he’d had a blast, had I? I said it was ok but actually it was horrible and I now dread going out together.

I don’t want to say anything to him, because I don’t want to hurt his feelings but I also love all of our family get togethers and I don’t want this to spoil it.

There's a difference between being socially awkward and being rubbish socially when drunk. Maybe more of an effect of alcohol problem then his social abilities problem.

Well actually we were with his family, not mine.
He doesn’t realise when he’s sobered up but if I’ve ever said before you actually hurt someone’s feelings he feels terrible. It’s absolutely not ok for him to hurt other people, I know this, but he’s also my husband who I love dearly and I want to approach it in a way that is constructive and not going to cause future nervousness for fear of saying the wrong thing.
To be honest, thinking about it through this thread it is all DEFINITELY made worse by alcohol; he hates his mum when she’s had a drink, feels like it really changes her personality so perhaps I might suggest if he doesn’t want people to think the same of him he dials it back.

If he is on the spectrum (and many adults at the milder end have never been formally diagnosed), he won't get much from being told to think before he speaks as it's too vague. He may need coaching in a more detailed way which I appreciate will be challenging because you don't want him to feel hurt and defensive. The chances are he's aware of his social difficulties but doesn't understand them and struggles with confidence as a result so I would tread carefully. The alcohol points to this too as a coping mechanism. Do read up on Asperger's/ high functioning autism OP as this is a classic sign.

To be clear, this happens socially without drink - doesn’t greet people appropriately, forgets to introduce me, doesn’t return conversation... but the booze makes it worse later.

It sounds excruciating. The only thing I can say is that he is not alone - I dread work drinks because my usually pleasant and professional colleagues become loud, lairy and buffoonish from a combination of alcohol and social unease!

'Is this a good time to talk? Ok, well, there's no easy way to say this, sweetheart, but you made me feel terribly awkward at the wedding. I thought we should chat about it a bit, agree on a solution for next time. I love you and in really want to enjoy all our time out together.'

If he can't respond nicely to an approach like that, you've got real issues.

Yes you’re quite right, I’ll broach it with him later.

But him the book “The Unexpected Joy of being Sober”

Some people just aren’t meant to drink.

He sounds like he's flustered and overcompensating for severe social anxiety.

Maybe ask him how he feels about going out to social events, whether he enjoys it or finds it excruciating and overwhelming. If he can open up to you about it, you will have a better chance of agreeing on a way forwards. A secret signal is a good idea from PP.

To be honest, he really does sound like he's on the spectrum. If so, he's probably well aware of his social ineptitude but really cannot do anything about it. You really can't practise every single conversation. The question really is, do you love him enough to put up with it? Would he be open to getting a diagnosis so that you could explain it to others, which might help a bit?

It does sound like he could be a bit on the spectrum.

I clicked on this thread just to see how long it would take for someone to say something stupid like this. You can't be a bit on the spectrum anymore than you can be a little bit blind. It's perfectly possible for a person to be socially awkward without being on the autistic spectrum. Only people with autism - that is people who meet the triad of impairments are defined as being on the autistic spectrum.

annikin - why do you think being on the spectrum means he's both aware of his social ineptitude aand unable to do anything about it. If he was autistic then yes, people can tolerate his quirks a little but being autistic doesn't give someone a free pass to not learning how to improve their own behaviour in social situations, when a person is capable of learning (I'm well aware some autistic people aren't before anyone jumps on me for saying that).

Janmeyer - several autistic people in my family including DD and me. Socialising is so difficult. You try to copy others behaviour to fit in but never quite pull it off. You can practise the basic conversations, but not every possible one. You frequently put your foot in things or just sound plain weird because your brain doesn't work the same way. It's only people's reactions afterwards that tell you it was weird, it sounded fine in your head, so there's no way of preventing it beforehand. You feel terrible afterwards. It can make you feel like you never want to go out or speak to anyone, just in case.

@annikin . My lovely DS is on the spectrum. So is his dad - not my partner any more but still one of my dearest friends. So many lovely people have autism and I hope people are becoming more aware and understanding of it.

To a PP being snotty about someone saying 'a bit on the spectrum', this is just an inexact way of saying possibly autistic but the 'high-functioning', less obvious end. Nobody can diagnose on the internet and I don't think anyone is trying to do so, but misreading social cues is a big indicator so it's worth looking into IMO.

Hi OP. Neither myself nor pps can really say with any certainty what's going on with him. What I do know is that some of what you said really resonated with me. I've been with my amazing DH for 9 years married for 5 and he told me on our second date that he's got Aspergers.

He doesn't understand social cues (though he really bloody tries!) and often is a bit 'off' with his comments and jokes. He works incredibly hard at this and can usually just seem slightly awkward and shy - as can many neurotypical people.

Not sure what I'm trying to say here...but whatever the issue is, keeping lines of communication open and talking to him calmly and kindly about episodes like you described quite soon afterwards will hopefully help.

Using terms like 'Aspergers' and autism' can feel incredibly scary for some people. This may not be the issue - I don't know - but labelling something isn't a magic resolution ( though it's helpful for some people ). May be worth thinking about whether you would both want to go down the 'diagnosis' route, or decide between you how you'd like to approach this.

Thank you for all your advice yesterday, it really helped me sort through the issues that are bothering me.

1. He misses the basic social cues such as introducing me/returning conversation that we can definitely work on together
2. His ability to read the room and respond appropriately gets worse with alcohol

I went with AutmnCrow’s approach, and outlined some examples. He was very defensive and embarrassed I think and didn’t want to talk about it at all. However I maintained that if he continues to behave in that way he’s going to damage relationships, including ours and by not even engaging with me about it he’s having a great time at social occasions at my expense. He’s gone off to work before I woke this morning so I’ll to see how he responds over the day.

Well, I guess embarrassment is a standard reaction to being (even gently) pulled up on behaviour. I know when my DP told me later about something I'd said a little too loudly at a Boxing Day get-together I cringed inside for quite some time (whole other thread, as the saying goes).

Hopefully you can bring this round to something you can deal with together, as a team or a unit. The not introducing you habit should be a very quick and easy thing to turn around.

It might take him a little while to process this - but he does need to try to rise above his defensiveness.

Does he drink a bit too much in those kind of situations to over compensate for feeling awkward? And therefore compound the issue by going the other way!