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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to want my daughter to enjoy and stay at sleepovers..

40 replies

Chickenwings85 · 17/02/2019 21:34

Posting here for traffic...
My 8 year old goes to her friends houses to play quite alot and can happily stay there all day without missing us. However, when it comes to sleepovers, she will go to them but then cries and gets upset and asks to come home (which she does)
I've asked her why she always wants to come home and she said it's because she misses us so much. Obviously we reassure her and tell her how we will see her in the morning and how she will have so much fun etc... but shes still very much the same.
I never mind her coming home from not wanting to sleepover but I don't want her missing out on things her friends get up to because she misses us.
Anyone else been through this? How did you overcome it? Any tips would be greatly appreciated.

OP posts:
PinkiOcelot · 17/02/2019 21:37

I didn’t overcome it. If they didn’t want to stay I never made them. Don’t see the big deal about sleep overs tbh.

oliviatrivia · 17/02/2019 21:37

8 is still pretty young- I personally hated sleepovers until I was in my mid teens. If it was a group sleepover, part of it was definitely that I was afraid of falling foul of middle of the night pranks.

I grew out of it eventually and didn’t do me any harm. I know that is completely unhelpful but just to reassure you she will more than likely start to enjoy them at some point.

LegoPiecesEverywhere · 17/02/2019 21:39

I wouldn’t send an 8 year old on a sleepover. Much too young imo.

slcol · 17/02/2019 21:41

8 is young. Bedtime/night is different. I was early teens by the time I happily stayed away, and I'm quite normal. twitches

Tawdrylocalbrouhaha · 17/02/2019 21:42

I really wouldn't press her on this. I wouldn't have wanted to be away from my family overnight at that age, and I absolutely don't understand the pressure for younger and younger sleepovers.

She will be ready when she's ready.

YouBoggleMyMind · 17/02/2019 21:42

I got very anxious at sleepovers and always had to come home. It wasn't until I went on a residential trip to Wales in year 6 that managed to deal with and overcome it.

TortoiseLettuce · 17/02/2019 21:43

I recall being sent home from sleepovers around that age for the same reason. During the day it seemed like a good idea but once it got dark I felt uncomfortable and wanted to be in my own home with my parents where I felt safe. Give her time, she’ll sleep over when she’s ready.

Upsy1981 · 17/02/2019 21:46

Maybe don't even try with sleepovers for a little while. Is she OK when people stay at yours? Does she do sleepovers at grandparents or other family?

The other option is toughing it out. Make it clear that you won't be coming to pick her up so she knows it's not an option. Explain that you love her very much and you miss her too but its nice for her to stay with friends and have lots of fun and you'll be there first thing to pick her up. Once she's done it a couple of times and she realises you come for her in the morning, she will be fine. But that approach isn't for everyone.

Vargas · 17/02/2019 21:48

My dd is super sociable and hates sleepovers (unless with her bf) so we avoid whenever possible. She's 11. I can't see the point in making a child do something so unimportant that makes them anxious.

SooticaTheWitchesCat · 17/02/2019 21:49

My daughter is 12 and still doesn't like sleepovers. It's to a big deal, fi she doesn't want to stay then don't make her.

Rezie · 17/02/2019 21:51

Has she spend a night away from your house? With grandparents? Aunts? Have you slept outside of home as a family? I think those could be first steps. I'm not an expert but I'm a scout leader and we get a lot of kids who struggle during camps and one thing in common with those kids is that they never spend night away from their parents. Eight is still relatively young, but it doesn't necessarily get easier with age without practise.

Daddylonglegs1965 · 17/02/2019 21:52

She is still too young at 8. I would leave it until she’s nearer 10 or over 10.

Popskipiekin · 17/02/2019 21:53

8 feels still so young. Why don’t you agree with her in advance the next time/couple of times that you will come and pick her up at say ?9pm? 10pm? I don’t have an 8 year old. Is that long enough for her to enjoy some pre bed time fun, get into pjs, settle down for some “late night” chat and then you take her home? As long as the other parents are on board with that. A few evenings like that and she might start to enjoy it and want to stay longer?

Rezie · 17/02/2019 21:53

I would like to add that I was never a fan of sleep overs so I don't think it's a big deal, but I think it's good to learn to sleep outside of home since we had overnight school trips, camps etc.

2birds1stone · 17/02/2019 21:53

I would always get homesick.

I distinctly remember staying at my cousins house (she is about 20 years older) I was sharing a room with her daughter. I was crying cause I wanted to go home and she came in shouting at me that I was upsetting her daughter and I couldn't go home.

Another time at my uncle's house sharing a room with cousins and my brother... I can still remember having a nightmare and lying there awake quietly sobbing because I didn't know what to do.

The only places I felt comfortable during primary school were 3 families where my mum was good friends with the parents and I felt like another member of their family and my Nannys house.

When I had sleep overs as a teen it was mainly only for birthday parties and when I started my period that opened up another host of problems which I will do my best to support dd with when her times comes so she doesn't have the same uncomfortableness that I endured.

I always preferred hosting a sleep over and even now I never feel 100% comfortable staying at anyone else's house.

I wouldn't push her too much, let her decide and if she is embarrassed about turning down sleepovers come up with an excuse why she can't stop the night

Emeraldshamrock · 17/02/2019 21:57

She will eventually get used to it and stay the full night. I doubt she will miss much it is usually when the fun dies down, they want to go home.
I always hated sleepovers as a child.

PengAly · 17/02/2019 21:58

Is 8 really considered too young? I remember having loads of sleepovers at that. Different generation i suppose.

Anyways, OP if she isnt comfortable that id not push it but maybe next time she gets invited to one ask her if she is sure she wants to go.

ShadyLady53 · 17/02/2019 21:59

Honestly, I didn’t grow out of it until I was 15 and in retrospect I thank my lucky stars.

I know this is very rare but it happened to five of my peers. When I was an older teen, the parents of a girl in my year, a respectable, popular family, were sent to jail for sexual abuse and making sexual images of girls at sleepovers. They’d been drugging the girls and doing all sorts to them in their sleep. One vaguely started to remember when she was older and reported it and the police found the images when raiding the house. All these girls were in my class and it started happening when they were 11. If I hadn’t have hated sleepovers, it would have happened to me too.

Don’t push it. Just accept your daughter as she is for now.

I’ll never forget people ridiculing me and me confiding in my Gran that it made me feel like people thought there was something wrong with me. She just smiled and shook her head and said, “Personally, I think they’re all mad. You’ve a perfectly good bed in your own room. Why would you want to go and sleep in someone else’s or on their floor?”.

Now I know there are lots of great reasons to love sleepovers and want to go, but the sense of relief I feel when just one person who I respected accepted my feelings and perhaps even shared them was huge. The kindest thing you can do is listen to your daughters feelings and let her change her mind, or not, in her own time.

Ericthesnake · 17/02/2019 21:59

I think sleepovers are really overrated.
Go at her pace.

Ginseng1 · 17/02/2019 22:00

She's only 8 why push it? No sleepovers here til they 10 & only the odd one at that.

Kindlethefourth · 17/02/2019 22:03

8 is really young for a sleepover. The whole concept is overrated IMO and leaves them feeling dreadful the next day. My 13 year old DD was hugely relieved when we said no more term time
sleepovers a couple of years ago as she has someone (me) to blame it she turns an invitation down so she doesn't lose face with friends. She is very sporty and loves her sleep. She sometimes goes to them and sometimes friends sleep here but they are not a big deal

hazeyjane · 17/02/2019 22:03

8 seems young to me too.

One of mine loves sleepovers
One only likes them with very close friend
One absolutely hates the idea of sleeping anywhere else.

iamkahleesi · 17/02/2019 22:05

I really wouldn't push it, if she's not comfortable just don't organise them.
Really surprised people are saying 8 is too young though. My dd has been going on sleepovers since 4, I never really questioned it and she was happy.

Aprilshowersarecomingsoon · 17/02/2019 22:06

Mine were at secondary school before we started sleepovers.
Simply because I didn't want to be dealing with extra dc!! Self sufficient ones only!

NutElla5x · 17/02/2019 22:08

She's only 8. I'd have thought it quite reasonable to want to have the security of being home in her own at home at that age.My kids didn't really do sleepovers until they were around 10/11. There's no rush is there?