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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to want my daughter to enjoy and stay at sleepovers..

40 replies

Chickenwings85 · 17/02/2019 21:34

Posting here for traffic...
My 8 year old goes to her friends houses to play quite alot and can happily stay there all day without missing us. However, when it comes to sleepovers, she will go to them but then cries and gets upset and asks to come home (which she does)
I've asked her why she always wants to come home and she said it's because she misses us so much. Obviously we reassure her and tell her how we will see her in the morning and how she will have so much fun etc... but shes still very much the same.
I never mind her coming home from not wanting to sleepover but I don't want her missing out on things her friends get up to because she misses us.
Anyone else been through this? How did you overcome it? Any tips would be greatly appreciated.

OP posts:

Original poster

Chickenwings85 · 17/02/2019 22:09

Thank you every one for the replies.
All of my daughter's friends have sleepovers quite often so her age has never been an issue. We know the others girls parents really well so that's not an issue.
Shes stayed out with her grandparents before quite alot and often has friends to sleepover at our house.
I'd never ever push her into anything but at the same time I don't want her to miss out on the fun that sleepovers bring. Luckily her group of friends are always understanding and so lovely to her if she can't manage the night.
She has a trip in October where she will be away from home for 2 days and we won't be able to pick her up if she gets homesick. So that's also a worry.

OP posts:

LellyMcKelly · 17/02/2019 22:10

I wouldn’t push it. Some like them, some don’t. I never really enjoyed them - the idea was much more exciting than the reality. Even now, I’d rather go home late to my own bed! Arrange to collect her about 9 or 10pm. That way she doesn’t have to worry and she still gets to have most of the fun.

TBDO · 17/02/2019 22:12

I wouldn’t push sleepovers. She’s won’t miss out by not going as it sounds like she has plenty of play dates in the daytime.

Waveysnail · 17/02/2019 22:14

I always hated sleep overs. Tried twice and gave up as a child.

Hanumantelpiece · 17/02/2019 22:16

I have a DC of a similar age. There was an invite to a sleepover back in September last year, and whilst there was lots of enthusiasm for it, we got a call at 1am saying DC was in tears an unable to settle, so we went and collected.
Another invite (different friend) came for November, and DC stayed all night. Since then there's been another sleepover with that friend, which we've reciprocated with no issues.
We have always said that if DC wants to go, then that's fine. If not, then we'll decline. If DC doesn't want to stay then we ask that host family are told before midnight so that it's not too late for everyone.

By way of any lead up we've camped as a family, but DC hadn't stayed overnight anywhere away from home without us prior to the sleepover. Regardless of whether its a hit or miss we do our best to keep it a low-key reaction - so either "great you're staying" or "okay, you can come home then."

Sassy306 · 17/02/2019 22:16

I was like this growing up. I always thought it was because i missed my parents until we went on a 2 week family break and i felt the same way. i realised i was just home sick, i liked my own bed and my own room. I used to leave sleepovers at lights out and go back in the morning and i never felt like i was missing out so dont worry too much. I got over it mostly by about age 14. I can stay anywhere now but i dont sleep well unless im in my own bed and surroundings.

slappinthebass · 17/02/2019 22:23

It's just personality, their attachment style, wether they are introvert or extrovert. I don't think 8 is too young at all, my eldest had regular sleepovers from age 3 but I was friends with her best friends parents. She had lots of sleepovers with other friends before 10, always begging to stay again and not wanting to come home which was embarrassing. Now she is 12 and she has sleepovers every weekend and most nights during school holidays. All the awful reciprocation has finally paid off! They are not much hard work now and it means we get breaks from the pre-teen madness. We are in whole new territory now though where we may disagree with other parents way of doing things.

My 5 year old has only had sleepovers with her grandmother, a few times a year and cousins less, no issues and I know she'd love a sleepover with friends but she doesn't really have a close enough friend yet. I'm sure she will by 8 and I know she will love it.

I was much different than my own daughters, and wasn't hugely keen on sleepovers. I'd get excited about the idea and ask for them but often regret it at bedtime, the different rules made me nervous and I was never good at asking for things or accepting things I was offered so I couldn't really relax. I had an irrational fear of wetting the bed even though I didn't do it, of not liking the food, of pissing off the other parents, and I was always just really home sick. Unfortunately I got sent to boarding school at 11... I finally got used to 'sleepovers' there age 15. As an adult now I'm only happy with hotel sleepovers . I entirely disagree that you need to build resilience. It's just a personality thing I think. Offering to call and pick her up at 10 if she wants is a really good idea. It means you can't drink unfortunately, but a good solution and having the option may give her the confidence she needs to stay.

ineedaholidaynow · 17/02/2019 22:25

Some schools do residentials in Y4, and also Cubs/Brownies will do camps so this will cover children who are 8. In fact DS's District do a Beaver camp, so children as young as 6.

Saying that maybe carry on as you are doing OP and let her go on sleepovers but be happy to pick her up, and hopefully she will start to cope, so that she can go on her 2 day trip

Drogosnextwife · 17/02/2019 22:44

I didn't get over it as a child. I was about 12 before I could stay over maybe older. I distinctly remember that horrible feeling in my gut when that everything was dark and quiet and smelt strange and I just wanted my mum and dad to be there. Even the thought of sleeping over upset my. My DS did it twice, he was sick the second time and has never done it again. Of she doesn't want to there's no point in trying to make her get over it, she will eventually on her own.

llangennith · 17/02/2019 22:46

I was still having to pick up DD2 from sleepovers at 14. I was tempted to tell her to wait till morning as I was pissed off being woken up but I knew I wouldn't get back to sleep anyway so off I'd go. We'd drive back in silence. She was the most confident, friendly and popular girl you could imagine but she couldn't stay a whole night away from home. She's 42 now and obviously outgrown that😄

Notcontent · 17/02/2019 22:49

Lots of children don’t like sleepovers. It’s no big deal. I know lots of adults who really don’t like staying at other people’s houses.

llangennith · 17/02/2019 23:03

I should add that DD1 would sleepover anywhere and anytime from the age of 5. Her enthusiasm used to quite upset me😄

Musicalmistress · 17/02/2019 23:39

Could it be a fear thing - does she have a fave toy she sleeps with but doesn’t take with her? I know I always slept with a night light & used to get freaked out at that age sleeping in strange houses in the dark

budgiegirl · 18/02/2019 04:58

She has a trip in October where she will be away from home for 2 days and we won't be able to pick her up if she gets homesick. So that's also a worry

You may find that this helps. My DD at that age struggled with sleepovers - she wanted to go on them, but we often found we had to pick her up from her best friends house at 1am! But if she went on cub camps where she couldn’t come home (or she could, but we didn’t tell her that!) she had no problem. After one or two of those, she got better at sleepovers.

Fullofregrets33 · 18/02/2019 08:22

If she doesn't want to then dont do sleepovers. She obviously can't cope with them at the moment so wait a few years.
I think its lovely that she is having lots of play dates and has tried sleepovers, my son is nearly 8 and has only been to 1 playdate in the whole of his school life so far so I certainly don't think she's missing out on anything

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