Family shouldn't keep correcting elderly grandmother

[hummanahummana]

My grandmother is in her late 80s and is generally really 'with it' for her age, however, she occasionally makes little mistakes when she recalls memories. If it was something important, like forgetting what no. bus she needed or something to do with medication, I would of course correct her. But when it's something unimportant like getting the year we went on holiday wrong, I'll just say nothing and let her carry on. My family feel they need to put her straight on everything. Today, she recalled a memory from when my bro was disappointed with something when he was 8. As it turns out, she wasn't even there. They spent a good 20 mins proving that she wasn't even there for this event. I was sat next to her and could feel her embarrassment. She became flustered and made more mistakes. AIBU in thinking they need to let these little things go and humour her? How do I tell them this? She's elderly and will make mistakes. Does she need to be pulled up on everything?

Yanbu. She doesn't need correcting on everything, it's rude and unnecessary. Obviously keep an eye on older people to monitor signs of confusion but in general there's no need to nitpick

How sad of your family to treat her like this. I think you should text them all and gently tell them to back off

Yes I think you're right.

This happens a lot in the early stages of dementia - people often correct the sufferer, who gets more confused. It's better sometimes to just play along with them and let them relax. (Not saying your relative has dementia).

My mum is 83 (she had me later in life) tbh I genuinely forget she is elderly sometimes and find myself correcting her - then later feeling bad as she is older. My brother is really bad for getting frustrated with her and I try and help the conversation flow easier. I then remind my brother of her age later on and maybe always correcting her will be fine.

Most of the time I just let her get on, she is very with it and there’s no worries for her memory etc.

Maybe just remind your siblings of her age and it’s not always needed to correct her.

*will be bad not fine 🙈

YANBU - that sounds horrible! However, it’s good to gently correct or reorient her when she gets things wrong or is confused but definitely not to embarrass or frustrate her.

I agree with you.

It isn't doing anybody any harm to let these details slide, and if it avoids her feeling embarrassed then it is worth just nodding and moving on.

However, there is another way of looking at it. Your relatives continue to treat her just like they would any other adult, as opposed to infantalising her by agreeing with everything she says.

It's a fine line between the two for me. But if, as you say, she was embarrassed by them exposing her mistake, then they went too far.

I mean like if she says it’s 2009 then just say ‘oh it’s 2019 gran’ and carry on - if it upsets her then obviously stop doing it. My gran just says ‘oh right’ and carries on but then seems to remember it for a little while.

What were your family thinking?? How bloody awful of them. Have words when she's not there and remind them to be kind.

My DM is 80 and has suffered several strokes - a brain embolism in 2012 and a small stroke last October. Her short and long term memory have been affected. She gets upset if anyone points out her mistakes so we avoid hurting her feelings by not correcting her. It's just not worth it!

With the elderly it is better we try to live in their world rather than they try to live in ours.

YANBU. You don't even have to be elderly to make the occasional mistake of that kind. It would be rude to needlessly belabor the point with anyone, but does seem especially frustrating when the person is older and making harmless mistakes more and more often. What's the reason for making a big to do about it? It only makes it even more painfully obvious that the person's memory is faulty, which is rude and unkind.

I wouldn't hesitate to mention it to them (out of her hearing) that you've noticed that it's embarrassing her and that it wouldn't hurt anything to just let it go, most of the time.

Do your family members do this habitually? Quibble over detail and 'correctness' without regard to context or significance?

There are plenty of people who do that, all the time, to everyone. Tedious as fuck.

My point being, if so, they are more 'impaired' than she is.

@Lottie yes they do!

It was over something so silly, she kept mention bro's 'poor upset face'. She wasn't there, but it's a funny story she's been told so many times that she feels she was there.

Her memory is normally very good, but sometimes she gets something like the year one of our relatives was born wrong- I.e. something that happened in the 1950s Who cares? It makes no difference to anything. She actually gets VERY depressed about ageing and the possibility of becoming senile. I really do worry about her feeling so sad.

How can I tactfully address this? How would you word it?

Have a quiet word with them to see why they can't let it go - point out that you can see it embarrasses her.
If they can't understand that, then it's a shame.

YANBU. It's so rude.

It's like some under 30's I know who seem to think it's OK to scold and berate people over 50 (older relatives and colleagues) for using the 'wrong' terminology when describing people of colour or other people in society, and people with certain disabilities. They don't mean any harm, and it's just the words they grew up with, yet the get barked at by the under 30's constantly.

They also think it's OK to pour scorn on housewives who are homemakers, getting a meal ready for their husband and kids, and looking after the home. (Calling them slaves and 'letting the side down.') Annoying opinionated, wannabe feminists and radicals who think everyone should know their obviously correct opinions.

It’s nothing to,hide her age. They are being rude.

With the elderly it is better we try to live in their world rather than they try to live in ours.

They don't live in a different world to us? I don't understand your comment. When do we move to this other world? 60? 70?

I agree with PP, there is a line between not making a fuss about anecdotes etc and not infantilising.

No she does not,and it is very insensitive of your family to do so. Your mum is aware that she is getting forgetful in her old age and doesn't need to be constantly reminded of the fact. I would have a quiet word with them if I were you. Explain to them that is is more important to be kind than to be right!

I wouldn't worry about tact tbh! I'd say to them frankly that there is no need for them to behave this way.

It may be that your brother was embarrassed by her mentioning his 'poor upset face' and didn't need her labouring the point, especially when she wasn't actually there?

WinterfellWench I don't know anyone who pours scorn on housewives, it's certainly not common in younger people I know, and as for telling people off for using racist terminology, than so be it. Wasn't you being told off was it?

Rude, especially to continue making her embarassed.

I don't generally correct people unless it matters.

However I wonder if this situation was that your dbro was embarrassed-especially if it is something that is made a bit of a thing about.