Family shouldn't keep correcting elderly grandmother

[hummanahummana]

My grandmother is in her late 80s and is generally really 'with it' for her age, however, she occasionally makes little mistakes when she recalls memories. If it was something important, like forgetting what no. bus she needed or something to do with medication, I would of course correct her. But when it's something unimportant like getting the year we went on holiday wrong, I'll just say nothing and let her carry on. My family feel they need to put her straight on everything. Today, she recalled a memory from when my bro was disappointed with something when he was 8. As it turns out, she wasn't even there. They spent a good 20 mins proving that she wasn't even there for this event. I was sat next to her and could feel her embarrassment. She became flustered and made more mistakes. AIBU in thinking they need to let these little things go and humour her? How do I tell them this? She's elderly and will make mistakes. Does she need to be pulled up on everything?

YANBU there really is no need for people to behave that way, who is your grandmother harming after all?

My mother seemed to take great delight in correcting her mother who suffered with dementia in her later years almost constantly. I hated seeing my poor gran look so bewildered and upset when she was told she was wrong about something, sometimes trivial but other times upsetting like being reminded her husband/sister/friend was dead.

My step dad’s sister who rarely visits did this a lot with their elderly parents. It was horrible to watch. Because she rarely visited they were always walking on eggshells and she’d just jump on anything to make them feel small.

I snapped once and did say “stop speaking to her like that, she’s your mother not an inconvenience”. I believe that was the last time we spoke, she didn’t speak to me at either of my step grandparents funerals.

I shouldn’t have spoken out, certainly not from my vantage point of “not even being family” as she put it (not how my step grandparents saw it at all, actually). But it was unbearable listening to her speak to her own mother in a way I wouldn’t speak to a dog.

So essentially - I know exactly what you mean and feel but can’t advise as how best to deal with it. It is very mean behaviour.

I’d text everyone, about being careful not to put their egos (and need to be right) above her well-being. Put it in terms of self-interest, and ask how they hope to be treated at that age?

I also wouldn’t hesitate to pull the family up on this nasty habit when it’s happening in the room. Do it with humour, but then shut down the conversation with an obvious subject change if they persist. I’d probably go with: ‘God you lot are pedantic, it’s like having lunch with the KGB, hey Gran?!’. Then change to an anecdote that puts her in a good (clever) light. Or pick an anecdote about the nitpicking family members that reminds them what’s good for the goose...?

Or if that doesn’t work, I can send in my Gran who turns 99 this year. She’d take them apart. Mind like a steel trap, and not afraid to use it.

It's not clear cut though- and even people in their 80s are capable of trying to control or be passive aggressive.
I have a close relative like this, constanly exaggerating for effect or to put others down.

The "poor upset face" things strikes a chord with me, my relative would use just such a scenario to make someone feel bad.

Of course elderlly people can be vulnerable, but let's not make the mistake of assumming they all turn into rosy cheeked fairy tale grandmas- many are capapble of nastiness - like us all,

@speakput sorry but you've completely misinterpreted everything. Sorry for your experience, but that's NOT AT ALL what was going on here.

Well, my 'impaired' comment is rather unpleasant really and I regret that - because it hints at people who can't help being focused on facts and detail and unaware of context and social cues and who do not deserve to be disparaged.

But, I know lots of people who are neurotypical but who behave this way through a combination of personality, habit and, I think, a desire to defend their own ignorance, by putting up a barrage of 'facts' to fence around and protect their own little bubble of comfort.

How to teach those people active listening, empathy and good manners? Those are not small things! The obvious answer would be to start in childhood and bring them up all over again.

The funny thing is that all those poeple will have childhood 'memories' based on photographs and stories - that they could not possibly actually remember. We all do.

What to do? I think just interject to re-focus the conversation every time; 'Sorry Aunt X, you were telling us about...', 'You were saying you remembered the story of Y doing Z...', 'Hang on silly brother B, we're listening to Aunt X just now'.

Just to explain, bro wasn't embarrassed at all. She wasn't trying to embarrass him. She was trying to recall a sweet memory of his face as a child, that as it happens, she wasn't there for. It's been mentioned so many times, by him mostly, that she's got a little mixed up and thought she was she was there at the time. She soon realised she wasn't, but they didn't let it drop.

If you don’t like how they talk to her, tell them. Face to face/group message/whatever. Get it off your chest. “Hey guys, I know you mean well but I can sense Gran’s embarrassment when we correct her over mistakes in anecdotes, let’s just let the unimportant things go uncommented on”.

In the type of examples you've given, it's completely unnecessary to correct her. It's even worse when they go on and on about it.

As NutElla said: It's more important to be kind than to be right.

However, if they've always been like that, it'll be a bit difficult to change them. Can you intervene by saying something? Maybe show some exasperation - "for goodness sake, there's no need to go on about it." Or maybe have a quiet word with your GM and make a joke at their expense - "ooh, they do go on, don't they."

Although it is in some ways true that older people can get a bit muddled with dates and so on, it doesn't necessarily indicate a memory problem. The older you are, the more memories you have, and it can be a bit of a juggling act to keep those all straight and correct.

its cruel and uncalled for-not syaing shes got dementia but say she has, it could send her into a panic -you never correct peopel unless its for their own safety

i jut hope your family can calm it down a bit incase she does get worse

Ok, I'm going to word it similar to what @WallisFrizz said. I'm prepared for some back lash from from them!

The famous Maya Angelou quote is relevant here:

“I've learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel.”

Which do they want more, to be right (that is, to believe themselves to be right), or to show love and care towards someone who loves and cares for them?

I think people do this because they remember the person as they were and don't want to admit they are getting older, I imagine it's quite upsetting to watch a loved one get confused like this. It takes an adjustment to change how you respond.

I would suggest you mention it to your mum or whoever you feel closest to and hope that she responds.

Well I created a group chat and no ones responded. One person left straight away. Think I've pissed them off. I'm going to look like the bad person now. Bugger. I won't be sleeping tonight then. 😣 maybe I should have kept quiet. Other that that, it was a nice night out. I think I've spoiled it.

I feel sorry for her, she’s made a mistake and repeated a family ‘legendary’ story and got shot down for it ☹️. It would have been nice if someone came to her rescue and stepped in.
My mum repeats stories and there’s a particular favourite one that gets told ALOT. No one would ever be so rude to pull her up on it though.

Oh no, don't worry too much about their feelings now. They didn't worry about hers. They may feel annoyed to be pulled up on it but they might behave differently next time.

Maybe they're just embarrassed. God, I really hate anyone feeling embarrassed, but if it makes them act more compassionately, it was worth it.

I think you did the right thing OP. Don't be worried about it, tbh they should feel a bit embarrassed. It shouldn't have taken for you to point it out for them to realise.

I’ve just had this situation with my partner! All his family (especially him) are constantly on his Grandmothers case about her stories and bloody correcting her.
Last week I decided enough was enough as I saw her eyes pricking with tears.
I said to him very politely in front of his family (so they could all hear and whilst his Gran was toddling off to use the toilet) to leave her be and enjoy these precious moments, she’s old and getting forgetful and does he really want to stress her out and upset her. I followed this up with ‘what I wouldn’t give to hear a story from my Gran again’.
Oddly enough they seem to of all taken this on board 🤣

You absolutely did the right thing, Drogosnextwife. And there are lots of us here saying that.

Thank kooshbin but I'm not sire what I've done 😂.

Just playing, I know that's for the OP.

Never cringe over doing the right thing, and doing it with care and empathy. You’re never going to get applause for correcting people, but you may get behaviour change. And that’s what was needed.

I sense you are a bit people-pleasing. Don’t dwell on your family’s reactions, embarrassed or cross or whatever. You stepped up, so feel proud and stop second-guessing yourself!

Oops, sorry, Drogosnextwife. Total mistake in attribution. I blame the computer. (So often works for me.)