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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be slightly hurt about DBrother's actions?

33 replies

Ironfloor269 · 17/02/2019 14:30

My DB and I my parents' only children. My father owns the house and land they live on. DB is considerably older than me so when he got married and settled down, I was still in school. When he bought and land and built a house, my dad helped him financially. He still helps DB financially. DB and SIL are holding good jobs and don't need financial help but dad helps them out of good will. Which is fine. I have nothing against that.

However, when I got married (with a lot of family opposition as DH and I are from different ethnicities), my dad said that I will inherit a share of their house. Since I'm living overseas, he said that I could sell my share of the house to my DB if I wished, one day. He also said that I'll get a share of his savings. I was ok with this. DH though it's only fair that I receive the entire house as DB already has a house and three pieces of land, which my dad helped him to buy/build. I didn't really care. As I live overseas, it's DB who looks after my elderly parents so I was ok with him receiving the lion's share. DH thought parents should divide their estate equally when giving it to children, provided both children are on equal financial footing.

Anyway, fast forward a few months, and now my dad has decided to write the whole house to my DB and leave all the money to me. Which means I have no property at all in the country I was born in. Mind you, the property value increases there, whereas the value of money decreases very fast.

When my dad told me about his decision, I asked him what my DB had to say about it. He said that DB was fine if I was ok about it. I hate conflicting with a sibling over inheritance so I said I'm ok with it. But it hurts me a bit. I have a daughter, my dad's grand daughter. She has nothing except some money, but my DB's daughter has four properties.

Please tell me I'm not BU to feel this way. I'm ready yo accept I am, though.

Thanks for reading.

OP posts:
AmIRightOrAMeringue · 17/02/2019 14:35

I think it depends on the value of the money vs the value of the properties, and how much help your brother gives to your dad at the end of his life (for example if he was in care he may need to sell a property anyway to pay for it)

TidyDancer · 17/02/2019 14:37

Yes, the amount of money and value of the property is important here. In the practical sense though, with your DB being in the country and you being out of it, I can see why it does make sense for you to have the money and him the property.

My opinion would change though if your DB stands to inherit a massively out of proportion share of the estate with the split this way. I think it's relevant that he cares for your parents, he probably does deserve a bigger share for that imo.

svenwhen · 17/02/2019 14:42

First thing, I think youre right in that your sibling will be looking after your elderly parents more than you and so should receive the lion's share.
As for the house ,yes I can understand you're upset but you would have only ended up with a share of the house not the whole thing. Would you have sold that share anyway, maybe that's your df thinking? Plus Im guessing your brother is getting the house plus the land that it's on.
If you're not happy say it now as your db said to your father already that if you're happy he is too. You said you were but you're obviously not. Say it now as you could regret it in future.

Aridane · 17/02/2019 14:57

When my dad told me about his decision, I asked him what my DB had to say about it. He said that DB was fine if I was ok about it. I hate conflicting with a sibling over inheritance so I said I'm ok with it

This was / is your opportunity to raise it. Your father is raising it now to avoid ill will / conflict after his death

Drum2018 · 17/02/2019 15:03

For starters your DH doesn't get a say in how your father distributes his estate. Given your sense of entitlement I'd say your father would be better off leaving his entire estate to charity, or selling his house and using the proceeds along with savings to pay for really exclusive nursing home care for himself. That way you won't have to worry your head about who gets what.

Hiphopopotamous · 17/02/2019 15:13

The money could be the value of 2/3/4 properties - without knowing how much the ££ is expected to be, we have no way of knowing if this is fair.
I can understand wanting DB to keep the house if it is attached to land he lives on, so you don't sell it onwards.

Witchend · 17/02/2019 15:20

The only person I can see here is your dh. He thinks your df should leave the property to you on the basis you live abroad basically.
Has he said that to your df-in which case I can see why he might have altered it to this.

Anyway: Your dbro has said roughly happy to go along with it as long as you are happy with it. Your df has asked if you're happy to do it. And you have said you're fine with it
So how on earth can you think they're unreasonable for doing something they can only assume you are happy with as you said so.

Anyway property can go down as well as up, and you might find that decreases.

Birdsgottafly · 17/02/2019 15:23

You were asked and didn't answer honestly.

Sometimes I upset my Adult children, but I'm not a bloody mind reader.

Trumponerous · 17/02/2019 15:25

My parents' solicitor pointed out to them that with old age care costs this could leave only the property and no money. Alternatively if the money gets used up and the house is sold then it becomes uneven also with all money and no property.

Original poster
Ironfloor269 · 17/02/2019 15:33

Dad didn't ask me. He told me. I think that if I was in DB's shoes, I'd have told dad to do the fair thing and divide everything equally, not give him the lion's share if I was ok with that.

The money is around £45,000. The land and house DB lives on is £85,000. The land and house dad lives on (not a part of land and house DB lives on) is around the same. I'm not entirely sure about the other wo pieces of land DB will inherit.

Thanks for your replies.

OP posts:
diddl · 17/02/2019 15:37

"However, when I got married (with a lot of family opposition as DH and I are from different ethnicities)"

Maybe your dad doesn't want your husband to benefit-although he could leave a house to your daughter?

Perhaps he thinks that money is of more use to you than a property in a different country that you would presumably just sell?

What are your husband's parents intentions with regards to anything that they own?

HundredMilesAnHour · 17/02/2019 15:40

You sound quite entitled and egged on to be like this by your DH (who sounds very grabby). It's not any of your DH's business so tell him to keep out of it. Your DF is entitled to do what he wants with his estate - including not leaving you a penny - so count yourself lucky that he consulted you about it. You said you were ok with your DF's proposal but now suddenly you're not. Does your grabby DH have anything to do with that change of sentiment?

Original poster
Ironfloor269 · 17/02/2019 15:40

Husband's ancestral home is going to one of his brothers as he is the least financially stable sibling in his family. He also has 3 kids, one with severe disabilities, so all siblings agreed that he is the one who deserves it the most so told the parents to write it to him.

OP posts:
Muddysnowdrop · 17/02/2019 15:45

It’s not fair to be left significantly less than your sibling, no

Grumpelstilskin · 17/02/2019 15:47

So, how much you are actually doing for your DF to feel this entitled...? As far as you conceded yourself, you live far away and contribute nothing to taking care of your elderly parents. Your DH's grabby attitude is horrible.

Tomtontom · 17/02/2019 15:52

@Muddysnowdrop It's not fair for one sibling to take on all caring responsibilities. Perhaps if the OP returns and takes on some of the burden the will will be changed to reflect this.

NCjustforthisthread · 17/02/2019 15:58

Your husband sounds grabby - this is your fathers money/land. He has nothing to do with this. If you have an issue - you discuss with your father or brother etc. You seemed ok with it but as soon as your husband planted doubt in your head - suddenly you’re not happy about the arrangement and questioning it? Is this coming from you or your husband?

rookiemere · 17/02/2019 15:59

I think as your DB has done the caring then he deserves more. Also as you live abroad then it makes sense not to give you property that you won't be able to use.

Original poster
Ironfloor269 · 17/02/2019 16:03

Ah well. It seems I am being unreasonable. Thanks.

OP posts:
CherryPavlova · 17/02/2019 16:04

So sad arguing about receiving money but having to have your parents die for that to happen. It doesn’t have to be fair. Your parents choose what to do with their money.
If any of ours complained about our wills (which they won’t see until we die) or started being circling vultures, I’d change my will and disinherit them entirely.

lyralalala · 17/02/2019 16:09

So your husband thinks it's ok to have an uneven split in his family because it suits then, but thinks your father should share equally even though your brother does/will do the lions share of looking after?

Perhaps he's thinking that given you live abroad you wouldn't want to be tied to property at home.

diddl · 17/02/2019 16:11

So if one of your BILs is being left more because he deserves it, perhaps your father feels that your brother does?

Somethingsmellsnice · 17/02/2019 16:40

Wow - your husband sounds awful. Why is he so interested in your father' estate but appears fine that his own parents will leave everything to his brother. It is your Dad's choice and you need to respect that!

Dotty1970 · 17/02/2019 16:52

And you have said you're fine with it
So how on earth can you think they're unreasonable for doing something they can only assume you are happy with as you said so.

this

Grumpelstilskin · 17/02/2019 16:59

Inheritance isn’t an automatic given right and there are many situations in which different splits of the estate are justified. In your case, your DB is doing all the care for your ailing parents. You contribute nothing. He might be financially well of but he is devoting a lot of time and stayed close by to take care of your parents. Who knows if he wanted to take off and start a life somewhere else but feels responsible. I have taken long sabbaticals and lost a considerable amount of earnings while looking after my father who died quite young, I also took further career breaks to look after my mother during two rounds of cancer treatment. I was happy and willing to do this. My choice. My DB decided to not help at all and went on a luxury cruise during the last days of my DF’s life. He expected to be comforted and his guilt assuaged when he turned up at the funeral. However, he still did not offer any support to DM a couple of years later when there was a high chance she might be dying. My parents bought an amazing old house and a load of land. However, it was a ruin. I have paid for people to gut it and slowly turn it into a home. I also worked on the house several times a year whenever I got time off work. My DB has been there 3 times in 17 years, including once at the funeral of DF. The house has been gifted to me and I paid the relevant taxes and fees. Guess what, his DW thinks this is all terribly unfair and the estate should be split equally. He is also now making noises about being overlooked in the inheritance succession and is expecting me to pay him his share of the house. No fucketh given about him feeling hurt. I’d love to hear your DB’s and DF’s take on the story…

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