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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think it’s hard living alone?

68 replies

redcurtain · 17/02/2019 09:32

I’ve always wanted to believe in self reliance and being your own hero, but now I look at my friends earning less than me and get living in large beautiful homes, I realise I’ve probably backed the wrong horse.

AIBU?

OP posts:
pigsDOfly · 17/02/2019 10:20

I've lived on my own for some years and I couldn't/wouldn't live with someone else now but I'm retired and 70 years old. I can understand though why someone younger would want a partner and not be on their own.

When I was married we had a very good life style: nice house, new car every couple of years, no money worries etc etc and I imagine someone like you might have looked at my life from the outside and though how lucky I was. I wasn't, I was lonely and thoroughly miserable.

Now I'm lucky. I have a decent income and I'm my own person and no one has the power to make me unhappy.

Stop thinking you can judge a book by it's cover. Yes, the people you know might have wonderfully happy lives but they might be, as I was, living a life of quiet desperation. Sometimes the grass isn't greener.

I realise that it's not the same as having someone to live with, someone who is there supporting you emotionally and sharing the financial burden, but if you're lonely get out and find some things to fill the lonely hours. Find things you enjoy and ways to meet other people.

I know it's hard when it's only you paying the bills. After my exh left I had to manage on a very depleted income with three DCs and financially it was very hard but the fact that he was no longer there making me miserable more than made up for it.

TripTrapTripTrapOverTheBridge · 17/02/2019 10:24

Financially it is harder but it's bloody awesome! I love living alone, having the freedom to do what I want when I want. I actually cannot imagine living with someone 😂 But nobody seems to believe that as apparently being single means you're meant to be really lonely and sad and desperate to have someone. I really don't get it. But will happily admit that I'm a bit weird Grin

BlackeyedGruesome · 17/02/2019 10:26

It can be really lonely. I used to be rally lonely when living alone. It was not much better living with parents who were not so great. Living with ex was ok at first but got worse. Now I live with the children. I was lonely, but a couple of friends who give a hug or listen and a church that feels like a real community has helped.

Dowser · 17/02/2019 10:29

I lived on my own for a year in between husbands
Hated it.
I also felt quite nervous at night 😱
Prior to that I had my son and his baby living with me when his dad left. That wasn’t easy either.
The house would be filled with 20 year olds having a bloody good drink once or twice a week 😱
I’m not worried about big houses. This is big enough for me. I’d rather it was filled with love and laughter...and a loving husband nicely fills that slot.

Dowser · 17/02/2019 10:34

Oh well done Pigs and yes Nettie I had to meticulously plan my time so I didn’t spend it feeling very lonely

I actually was very lucky. My daughter lived next door with her husband and baby, so I could always pop in for a quick cuppa. . Mymum was still alive and my great friends rallied round.
Now, if anything happened to my lovely husband..it would be so different.
Money wouldn’t be the problem either...

Tumbleweed101 · 17/02/2019 10:39

I worry a lot about the time when I lose tax credits, as a single parent this is like having the support of a second income. My earning potential is so low I have no idea how I’ll pay bills etc when my children are grown up.

So yes it is lonely and a worry living alone.

TripTrapTripTrapOverTheBridge · 17/02/2019 10:43

Tumble Work on increasing your prospects. Or downsize when the time comes. Or both. You'll also have less financial responsibility when your children are grown up!

OnlyFoolsnMothers · 17/02/2019 10:46

Why do you sound
Like you’ve written off the idea of a partner op?

IWantToUseAnApostrophy · 17/02/2019 10:46

I live alone. Can't imagine living with anyone. It's great - I can be as selfish as I like and the cats can't argue back. BUT it's also incredibly lonely at times, particularly if you have very few friends and no one to see at weekends. I've also suffered a life changing illness and was off work for a year then had to change jobs. But I'm still happier. I don't like who I became in relationships. Financially, it's difficult but it is only me spending so I know what's coming in and going out so no fears of hidden dept. But it can be very hard.

DareDevil223 · 17/02/2019 10:47

I love it. I've lived alone since leaving a bad marriage 8 years ago. I have my lovely little flat and Dcat to cuddle. My now grown up DS comes to stay, I have a lovely DP (we don't live together yet) he's here at the moment and we're having a lovely weekend.

I like my own company and doing things my own way. I love coming home to peace and quiet and deciding what I want to eat and what I want to do. Yes, it is frustratingly expensive living alone but I earn a decent whack and I can have most things that I want.

DP and I will get a bigger place together at some point (he's a very laid back, easy going person so we'll be fine) but I'll be sad to say goodbye to my little haven. It's where I learned to live on my own. find peace and rely on myself for my own happiness.

madroid · 17/02/2019 11:04

I get what you are saying OP. Being lonely and hard up is the double whammy. You simply haven't got the resources to give you more options.

But the real killer is the loneliness (as long as you are eating etc of course).

I'm in a similar boat and I think it's a question of trying to build your life bit by bit. It's not going to change overnight or as a result of doing one thing.

So maybe join a group one night a week. Have a friend you see once a month. Do a charity volunteer role once a month.

Then make an effort to speak to people more in a more human way. Not social chit chat or the stupid corporate nonsense people pass as conversation at work. (Bugbear)

I think if you are open to building links and friendships they will build over time. But that real inner loneliness that comes from not sharing your life or being understood by people who know you well, that sort you just have to learn to live with.

Original poster
redcurtain · 17/02/2019 11:09

It’s just not ever happened only, it’s something that happens to other people, not me.

OP posts:
Gemi33 · 17/02/2019 11:19

I completely agree. I earn an ok wage but rent a flat and struggle with feeling lonely and having no one to share things with. All my friends live in lovely home and seem to have a much happier home life even though they all earn less and work less hours than me but are in a better position because there are two incomes. It's hard.

xx

BrizzleMint · 17/02/2019 11:28

Living alone or with your dcs wins hands down, I'd never live with a partner again.

Gemi33 · 17/02/2019 11:59

redcurtain I could have written that - it's never happened for me ever and somehow I cannot ever see it happening.

sunnyaussiegirl · 17/02/2019 12:41

no, it's not just you, I hated living alone, too, also, I can do whatever I want now I am living with DH, too, he does not limit me in any way, the children do, of course, but that is only natural

don't feel bad about not loving being on your own, it's not for everybody, doesn't make you needy or dependent!

Tumbleweed101 · 17/02/2019 12:57

Triptrap - yes I am - I’m currently doing a foundation degree. The problem is the low paying sector (early years) so even progressing still means low pay for the level of the position. I’m currently investigating what sideways roles I could get with the qualifications I’ll eventually have.

GinisLife · 17/02/2019 13:00

I've lived on my own for 20 years (there's been relationships but not living together since then). I reached a point where I was sick of always being "responsible". For paying the mortgage, the bills, maintenance, everything. But I have to weigh up if sharing these things beats having your independence. What's bought it home to me more is the past few months I've been recovering from radiotherapy treatment and I've realised how hard it is being really quite unwell on your own. I have fantastic friends who have all rallied round to give me lifts to hospital etc on a rota system but they're not there all the time. I've struggled with getting enough calories into myself and drinking enough and whilst I wouldn't want a carer having someone there who cared when I didn't would have been huge. I also worry I could die for n my bed and no one would realise for ages 😰

DrCoconut · 17/02/2019 13:39

My DM had a friend who lived in a huge, beautiful house in a desirable area, cleaner, gardener, kids in private schools, lots of money for clothes, hobbies etc. And a DH who would shag anything with a pulse. He repeatedly humiliated her with shameless and blatant affairs but she didn't leave him. Whether it was fear of having to manage alone (she'd given everything up to be a SAHM) or just that she was talked round and ended up staying I don't know. She used to cry and wonder why she was not enough for him, had she let herself go? Not interesting? Nagging too much? So her to the outside idyllic life came at a huge cost to her self esteem and dignity.

ThreeAnkleBiters · 17/02/2019 13:41

YANBU it's definitely more expensive to live alone. Still beats being stuck in a shit relationship though.

speakout · 17/02/2019 13:48

Depends on everything.

I have been happy living alone, I have been happy living with a partner.

I have been miserable doing both too.

I would say overall I am happier living with a good partner.
A much bigger house, sharing the workload, the mental load, the responsibility.
Mainatining space and independence within a relationship but having the benefits of it is perfect.

Between us we can afford a large home- big enough that we don't even know where each other is a lot of the time.
It's nice to open the fridge and see that someone else has tidied it out and done the shopping, or fixed a leaking tap without mentioning it to you, of have a casserole waiting in the oven for you coming home.

yearinyearout · 17/02/2019 14:48

Have you got a spare bedroom? If so could be worth considering renting it out. My DD hopes to buy a house in a couple of years and is planning to stretch to a two bedroom place for that reason. You can earn up to £7000 a year from a lodger without being taxed on it (as well as the financial benefits it can be good to have someone else around)

Original poster
redcurtain · 17/02/2019 14:50

Surprising really that not more people live alone, given that it’s as amazing as everyone here is proclaiming.

OP posts:
MirriVan · 17/02/2019 14:55

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

speakout · 17/02/2019 14:57

I think it depends which perspective you come from.

If you are living alone after a shitty relationship ir must seem like heaven I'm sure.

Not all relationships and not all dynamics of living with a partner are bad however.
Many are fantastic and very enjoyable.

I would much rather live alone than in a bad relationship, but right now living with someone in a good relationship is better than solo living.