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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to want to know why I was ghosted?

46 replies

MissMilly88 · 17/02/2019 09:14

Morning all. This happened a few months ago but it still plays on my mind from time to time.
I used to liftshare with a new colleague (she joined my workplace last September) 4 times a week. It worked great for the two of us and we got on really well, chatting for the duration of each journey. I came to trust her and see her as friend.
Then she started retreating very gradually in December, where she would make an excuse for why she couldn't lift share on one of the days. She would say she had a doctors appointment or dentist or something else. I didn't think much of it until I realised her work schedule meant she could finish earlier than I could that day and so wanted an early finish. She could have just told me this rather than lying but anyway. I never broached this with her and just accepted it.
Near Christmas time on a rainy Friday morning I was waiting at our usual pick up point. I waited for 30mins and she didn't show. I started to worry that she had had a car accident on the way over so I tried ringing and texting. I then had to eventually make my own way to work or else risk bet being late. When I got to work I saw her car in the car park, I naively presumed she forgot we were lift sharing that day.
A few hours later I noticed that she had blocked me on Facebook (I went to message her on there in case her phone was broken).
It completely baffled me and still does to this day! It felt really harsh and childish to treat someone like this, we are grown adults in a professional job.
At a Christmas do a friend in my office seen one of her work friends and asked her about it (I didn't ask her to do this by the way!) and her work friend said that 'she knew the reason but didn't want to say'. So now it feels that mean and untrue things have been said about me that I have no control over. The ex lift sharer even denied leaving me without a lift!
Anyway, from time to time I bump in to this person and I never know how to react. She completely blanks me whereas my natural and instinctive reaction is to smile.
Has anyone else been ghosted by a person like this? Why do they do it?! It's left me feeling a bit vulnerable and did knock my confidence slightly! Thanks :)

OP posts:
TheShiteRunner · 17/02/2019 09:18

Oh God how awful. Could it be about money? Did you share fuel expenses?

This happened to me with one of my closest friends, who is also a mum at the school gate. She just cut all contact. She was absolutely lovely and I thought the world of her, and I have no idea what I've done. I wanted to ask her about it, but the truth is that there's no point- If I'd have done something so awful as to warrant that kind of treatment, I'd know about it, so she is being unreasonable and unkind.

JenniferJareau · 17/02/2019 09:19

I think it would depend on the origins of the lift share. Did you ask her for lifts? Did you pay her petrol money? Did you miss out on hints she wanted the arrangement to end?

BlooShampoo · 17/02/2019 09:19

She sounds horrible. Even if you have done something a bit off, she should’ve told you.

ThomasShelbysBunnet · 17/02/2019 09:20

Hmm, were you overly expectant of a lift each day? Did you give her adequate petrol money? Or maybe she's not really a chatty person and prefers to be alone?
Actually, how did the lift share first come about? Was she put on the spot by a manager?

Sazquatch · 17/02/2019 09:22

When you say ‘lift share” do you actually mean you got a lift from her every day? Did you pay petrol money? To be honest, I wouldn’t want to commit to giving someone a lift every single day, it would determine what time I had to go to and leave work, it would limit what I could do on the way home, etc.

Original poster
MissMilly88 · 17/02/2019 09:22

Thanks both. We both drove twice a week so it was nice and fair. She always used to say how great it was and how much money she was saving etc.
I have replayed loads of our chats and she never even hinted wanted to stop doing it. The one thing I did think was that quite ofted she liked the idea of leaving work earlier than we are supposed to in order to beat the traffic. She would often be waiting by my car or in her car early. I wonder whether she got tired of waiting for me (we finish at 4 and I'd be in the car at 4.05 latest). It's the only thing I could think of. But wouldn't an adult just say that?! Isn't it really childish to just cut off contact?

OP posts:
Original poster
MissMilly88 · 17/02/2019 09:28

@sazquatch I agree about the commitment bit. It's a totally fair point but I still don't understand her leaving me without a lift that one day and blocking me from Facebook. I just didn't think an adult would act this way. She is a really confident and extroverted person and from what she told me someone not to shy away from any form of confrontation. I need to just accept it and move on but the whole thing just felt really cruel and unnecessary

OP posts:
AriadnePersephoneCloud · 17/02/2019 09:33

YANU to want to know. I've been ghosted by two people I considered really close friends. I did find out the reasons later and one of them even apologised and asked to be friends again. I agreed because I missed her but I never felt the same about her again and she annoyed me very slightly about 6 month later and I had not hesitation in ghosting her immediately. Sounds hard but she hurt me so much the first time (we were inseparable for a long time) for something that turned out to be so trivial and wasn't even correct (she had misread the situation) I just couldn't be bothered any more.... The other one has never admitted she did anything wrong to me and but I know from a mutual friend the truth and honestly I just feel she's a bit pathetic now and have no desire to be friends with her. Anyway just wanted to empathise, both these allegedly grown up women caused me a lot of hurt and upset because they couldn't just have an honest conversation and it's awful. If you're ever alone I'd say ask her directly. But the chances are whatever reason she gives you won't be friends again because even if she apologises how could you ever trust her.

JenniferJareau · 17/02/2019 09:35

Some people simply can't have those type of conversations such as 'I don't want to do this anymore' however extrovert they appear.

Or it could be you liked a Facebook post that upset her. Plenty on mn have said they would drop people if they found out they voted the opposite way from them in Brexit for example.

Original poster
MissMilly88 · 17/02/2019 09:36

Thanks Ariadne. Sorry to hear you went through this with friends, that must have been tough. Im fortunate I didn't know this person for too long, it must really have hurt you.

OP posts:
Original poster
MissMilly88 · 17/02/2019 09:37

@jennifer I'd never thought of that, I never really use Facebook just the messenger. I didn't listen to 5live with her in the car once I said I was concerned about the mess things were in. Who knows!

OP posts:
punishmepunisher · 17/02/2019 09:39

Do you smoke, or wear strong perfume?

Lifeisabeach09 · 17/02/2019 09:41

Fuck it, OP.
It would be nice if people could be upfront and discuss this kind of stuff rather than ghosting but they don't.
Forget about her and good riddance.

OffToBedhampton · 17/02/2019 09:43

Well, that is a mystery then.

How much do you want to know? Is it curiousity or annoyance that she may be making up a reason you want to counter ?

You can do the latter by simply repeating facts "She became unreliable and wanted to leave work before we are allowed to whilst still being paid. I wasn't able to"

If you want to know her reason, when you bump into her at work, could you say a version of

"I don't want to restart lift sharing as you forgot & left me, but I am curious the reason you withdrew - as you were so keen, spoke so positively about it when lift sharing with me, said nothing about wanting to stop and then ghosted. It was bizarre. Can you explain what you now feel you were unhappy with? We are adults and professionals after all.... "

pictish · 17/02/2019 09:44

I think she grew weary of the lift share but didn’t know how to say it and ended up ghosting you instead.
Maybe it was the commitment (I wouldn’t liftshare regularly with anyone through choice either), the restriction of movement after work and what time she could leave or she isn’t fond of you for some reason. It doesn’t have to be anything dreadful...could be as trivial as a facebook post or the rumour mill.
She was wrong not to extricate herself honestly by telling you she didn’t want to share lifts any more. It’s horrible to be left wondering.

Kolo · 17/02/2019 09:48

It happened to me a couple of years ago and really perplexed me, as I thought we were all grown ups. A woman who I considered a really close friend just stopped. I’ve spent hours trying to work out what I could have done to upset her so much. About 18months after, she messaged to say she missed me and I offered to get together to talk it through, but she didn’t want to tell me the reason it had happened. We’ve never been able to recover the friendship.

Original poster
MissMilly88 · 17/02/2019 09:48

I forgot to say, a few days after it happened I sent her a message on WhatsApp telling her I was confused and asking for why it happened. She read the message and ignored it. Maybe I should try asking her in real life. I suppose I need to put it to bed and not think about it too deeply. There's no going back from it anyway. Luckily I'm due to go on maternity leave in 2 months so I won't need to see her for a little while!

OP posts:
JenniferJareau · 17/02/2019 09:49

That's the thing, you can't ever know unless she tells you and that's highly unlikely. It's hurtful though.

Wakk · 17/02/2019 09:49

Just ask her.

greendale17 · 17/02/2019 09:50

I would outright ask her.

She has obviously talked about it to other people and I would want to know what lies she has been spouting

alwaysthinkingofsleep · 17/02/2019 09:51

Maternity leave for you...could she have fertility issues? 🤷‍♀️

BeanTownNancy · 17/02/2019 09:52

I didn't "ghost" her, and never would have abandoned her without a lift without letting her know in advance, but I made a lot of excuses to stop offering a lift to a colleague a few years ago.

She had seriously bad body odor, and I couldn't stand being in the car with her any more, especially once I got pregnant. I didn't know how to tell her without seriously hurting her feelings, so I took the coward's option and blamed morning sickness, doctors appointments etc until I eventually said I "couldn't guarantee I'd her her to work in time so she'd be better off making a different regular arrangement".

Still feel bad about it, years later. Blush

Osquito · 17/02/2019 09:54

It sounds like you will not find out from her (without confrontation/repeat questioning, which may put you in a bad light) so you’re either going to have to drop it or try get that work friend to tell your mate what they know...

This situation would drive me absolutely crazy, though, I really sympathise.

WaroftheWorlds · 17/02/2019 09:54

Could it be your pregnancy? Was/is she TTC possibly?

AnchorDownDeepBreath · 17/02/2019 09:54

I'm guessing it's something to do with maternity, too...

If she started dropping lifts, did you talk then about the arrangement? That seems like a fairly strong hint that she wanted to end things, although it's a shame she wasn't straight up.

Blocking you and ignoring your WhatsApp is a strong reaction too, so I'd guess something has upset her (unintentionally or otherwise) and she's decided to end the friendship and therefore the lift arrangement too.

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