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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to want to know why I was ghosted?

46 replies

MissMilly88 · 17/02/2019 09:14

Morning all. This happened a few months ago but it still plays on my mind from time to time.
I used to liftshare with a new colleague (she joined my workplace last September) 4 times a week. It worked great for the two of us and we got on really well, chatting for the duration of each journey. I came to trust her and see her as friend.
Then she started retreating very gradually in December, where she would make an excuse for why she couldn't lift share on one of the days. She would say she had a doctors appointment or dentist or something else. I didn't think much of it until I realised her work schedule meant she could finish earlier than I could that day and so wanted an early finish. She could have just told me this rather than lying but anyway. I never broached this with her and just accepted it.
Near Christmas time on a rainy Friday morning I was waiting at our usual pick up point. I waited for 30mins and she didn't show. I started to worry that she had had a car accident on the way over so I tried ringing and texting. I then had to eventually make my own way to work or else risk bet being late. When I got to work I saw her car in the car park, I naively presumed she forgot we were lift sharing that day.
A few hours later I noticed that she had blocked me on Facebook (I went to message her on there in case her phone was broken).
It completely baffled me and still does to this day! It felt really harsh and childish to treat someone like this, we are grown adults in a professional job.
At a Christmas do a friend in my office seen one of her work friends and asked her about it (I didn't ask her to do this by the way!) and her work friend said that 'she knew the reason but didn't want to say'. So now it feels that mean and untrue things have been said about me that I have no control over. The ex lift sharer even denied leaving me without a lift!
Anyway, from time to time I bump in to this person and I never know how to react. She completely blanks me whereas my natural and instinctive reaction is to smile.
Has anyone else been ghosted by a person like this? Why do they do it?! It's left me feeling a bit vulnerable and did knock my confidence slightly! Thanks :)

OP posts:

Margot33 · 17/02/2019 10:00

Some people are just not nice. I would just leave it. It's not you. You seem condiderate and lovely to be worrying about it. She obviously didbt consider you a friend. She tried the shared lifts and didn't like it for whatever reason. She sounds immature to ghost people. All st needed to do is talk about it. Sounds like she does this all of the time to avoid confrontation. By the time you return from ML I bet you'll meet someone else she's ghosted too!

woolduvet · 17/02/2019 10:03

Did she have to go out of her way to pick you up?
Maybe she wanted to be able to do things on her way home.
But if it was fair economically then it does seem very odd.

deadliftgirl · 17/02/2019 10:04

This women does not come across as a very nice person, she seems immature and really childish for someone who is supposed to work in a respectable position and she is not worth your time.

She cannot even come to your face with whatever was wrong, she had to just spread rumours about you through the office and ignore you! In these cases I would think back to the last conversation you had with with her right before she left you stranded that morning waiting on the lift and she was at work. Try to think if anything in that discussion contributed towards this?

I know its really bugging you OP but you seem like a much better person so be the bigger person and just leave her.

BlueJava · 17/02/2019 10:09

It seems really odd - especially as it was fair financially and the driving was shared. YANBU to want to know why, however I think YABU to pursue it. She's not worth the effort. Go back to as you were before and forget her.

Whereareyouspot · 17/02/2019 10:09

Wow how weird
I’d be upset and a bit pissed off if I was you

And I’d ask her face to face
She can’t ignore it then.

I’d just have to know
Blocking you on FB and subsequently Ignoring your message is more than just wanting to stop the lifts. Something you have done or said (or that she thinks you have done or said) has really riled her and I’d want to know what it was if it was me.

Original poster

MissMilly88 · 17/02/2019 10:12

Thanks all. I guess if I have offended her I just want to put it right. But I can't think of any Convo we might have had that would have evoked a reaction. She was the first to know I was pregnant (bad sickness) but potentially maybe as she knew the loft sharing would be coming to an end at some point she took the cowards way out of it. She isn't lift sharing with anyone new as far as I can tell. Thanks for all of your responses, I think I'm going to try to move on and put it down to experience!

OP posts:

Honeyroar · 17/02/2019 10:16

I think you've done all you can, you have to drop it. I had a friend at work once who did exactly the same (although we didn't see each other that often at work as its a huge company). For about four years every time I saw her I'd say "hello Jan, how are you?" And she would swan past with her nose up. Eventually I got a bit amused by it and would add "aww, are you still sulking". Then one day she rushed up to me and a colleague to tell us she was leaving and chatted away. I didn't say anything, I was gobsmacked, and also a bit annoyed that she had suddenly decided it was ok to talk. When she went I said to my colleague that I was amazed she had spoken to me as she had ignored me for years, and the colleague said she had ignored him too for two years! Some people are just strange!

Honeyroar · 17/02/2019 10:17

Ps, I also wonder if it could be the pregnancy - perhaps she was trying to get pregnant herself and it wasn't happening. Sometimes it can really affect some women.

youaremyrain · 17/02/2019 10:18

I was ghosted by a friend because her abusive ex didn't like me (unlikely here)

I have had to "ghost" or step away from friends on two occasions;

"friend" gossiped about other friends to the extent where I realised I couldn't trust her to keep any confidences (and felt bad for the people she gossiped about)
"friend" was very selfish and needy while I was struggling with PND, with hindsight she was having a MH crisis of her own, and her behaviour was very bizarre and affecting me very badly

youaremyrain · 17/02/2019 10:21

Could she be an emetophobe? Panicking that you might be sick in the car?

Magnificentbeast · 17/02/2019 10:21

You sound lovely OP. It's impossible to know the real reason unless she comes clean or your friend is able to find out from the third party who knows.

It must feel so awkward with you working in the same place and bumping into each other.

I've recently been ghosted by a friend of 30 years. It has been a long distance friendship for most of that time but I realised that she has recently stopped replying to my messages. It has really hurt my feelings and knocked my confidence. It seems such a cruel thing to do especially in such a low maintenance long term friendship. I doubt I'll ever get closure on it.

Try not to let it get you down too much in your last few weeks before ML.

freerangechocolateegg · 17/02/2019 10:22

You do sound lovely op. I suspect it's the pregnancy too.

Original poster

MissMilly88 · 17/02/2019 10:22

Oh and she wasn't TTC. She was single and dating a few guys. I've just recalled one conversation we had, she told me that when she went on dates with guys, she would let them pay and then if she didn't like them not reply afterwards. I suppose this is a form of ghosting too. Maybe it's just in her nature!

OP posts:

Belenus · 17/02/2019 10:26

I did think was that quite ofted she liked the idea of leaving work earlier than we are supposed to in order to beat the traffic. ...But wouldn't an adult just say that?! Isn't it really childish to just cut off contact?

If it's not the pregnancy it could well be that. She wouldn't say it directly as it means admitting she wants to leave earlier than you should. And if she's letting men pay for dates then ghosting them she sounds like a user and not someone you really want to be friends with.

lilydilly · 17/02/2019 10:30

Surely you must ask her? You have a right to know.

alaric77 · 17/02/2019 10:33

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MsTSwift · 17/02/2019 10:33

In this situation I would assume she was a weirdo because who wouldn’t want to lift share with someone nice like you? Then think no more of it.

MandyFl0ss · 17/02/2019 10:34

Hurtful as it is, this is more about her than it is about you. She doesn't sound worth the bother.

Original poster

MissMilly88 · 17/02/2019 15:18

Thanks guys. Sorry to hear some of you have been through the same. It's a very strange way to behave. Hope you're having a good Sunday!

OP posts:

LiveThisLife · 17/02/2019 16:45

Listening to what she’s like with dates, it sounds like it’s not you it’s her. You could ask but she probably doesn’t have a reason and just have a random reason to her friends so she doesn’t look stupid.

Janethevirgo · 17/02/2019 16:49

There’s multiple reasons listed why the friend may not have wanted to continue with the lift share, however anyone with a shred of decency to have a conversation along the lines of this no longer works for me, even a text would have done.
To deliberately not pick op up, block and ignore all seems very immature, especially to someone you need to work beside on a daily basis.
Op don’t beat yourself up about this anymore, you probably won’t ever find out the truth

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