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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Cake-gate

127 replies

LellowYedbetter · 16/02/2019 23:27

DS got a cake for his 18th. He’s not been home to see it cut (he does live here). He’s coming back tomorrow. DSS2 is here this weekend and wants some. I have said to DS to come home tomorrow morning so that DSS can get some cake before he goes home. I then said to DH that DSS2 can take some home for DSS1 (and his mum if he wants to) as it will get wasted otherwise. DH immediately said “no it’s ok”. I said “it will only go to waste that’s all ...” to which DH said “I don’t understand why you create so much drama around cake? It’s like as soon as a cake appears, you go into military mode ... it’s all stress and precision ... it’s weird ... “

So am I being a weird cunt or what? I don’t get what I did wrong?

OP posts:
Original poster
LellowYedbetter · 17/02/2019 10:41

Birdsgottafly ... I wasn’t talking about all autistic people, I’m talking specifically about DSS who has a mental age of around 12. Don’t look for shit to be offended by.

OP posts:
DointItForTheKids · 17/02/2019 10:48

I thought the intention of your comment re your autistic DSS OP was perfectly clear (that it was about him, his autism, not autistic people in general).

ErictheGuineaPig · 17/02/2019 10:49

This thread is bonkers. I don't think you have done anything wrong op. You haven't made a big fuss or suggested anything out of the ordinary. Birthday cakes aren't normally cut without the birthday person being present and are usually shared. This is standard in my world.

Pinkyyy · 17/02/2019 10:55

I'd just cut it, he's been gone 3 days and the cake will be off before there's chance to eat it. If he is so bothered he should have cut it before he went.

RosemarysBush · 17/02/2019 11:04

Good grief. Is he home yet? Where did he go?! That’s one hell of an 18th! I agree that he probably doesn’t care who you give a bit of cake to as long as he gets a bit eventually. Text him a photo and that you’re going to cut it. If he’s anything like my DS, he probably won’t reply but expect you to crack on.

NunoGoncalves · 17/02/2019 11:14

If I bought a cake for a family member it would be with the expectation that the whole family eats it! So if that family member then buggered off for 3 days I'd just let everyone get started on it! It's gonna go stale otherwise!

altiara · 17/02/2019 11:19

Cut the cake, eat the cake, share the cake - DS won’t even notice.

altiara · 17/02/2019 11:19

And ENJOY the cake Cake

NunoGoncalves · 17/02/2019 11:20

Cut the cake, eat the cake, share the cake - DS won’t even notice

Right? Why get precious about it? He's clearly not, since he disappeared for the whole weekend! It's just a cake.

itssoooofluffy · 17/02/2019 11:27

This is a lot of fuss over a cake!

Cut it, eat it, share it with whoever wants it. I doubt an 18yo cares about a cake, but you could always send him a photo and text him first if you’re worried.

It does sound a little like you’re spending too much time planning the cutting of this cake and who is going to get a slice, so I’m with your DH on that one.

MrsPMT · 17/02/2019 11:29

You'll know your DS, most 18yr olds (IMO) really don't care about cake. Has he seen the cake? Maybe text him to say you'll be cutting it at x time if he wants to be there, and just do it and share it.

pineappletower · 17/02/2019 11:49

The difference in opinion is because in some people's worlds, birthday cake is gifted and owned by the birthday boy/girl. Other people see birthday cake as a communal item in the household that can be eaten as and when.

I don't see anything wrong with your suggestion OP, but maybe he's more lax about cake etiquette or more strict.

Either way 18 year old has communicated 'cut the cake' by his action. Pile in, guilt free.

Crunchymum · 17/02/2019 12:00

So you and your DH have had discussions about cake before??? Your last sentence of your first post suggests so.

Original poster
LellowYedbetter · 17/02/2019 12:01

I don’t actually know where he is. He initially told me he was staying at his girlfriends on Thursday night and would be back the next day. I’ve not seen him since. I know he’s ok as he’s been in touch via Facebook but he has form for being a bit of a wrong un (drugs/police etc) so god knows. I happen to know he got a tattoo done on his 18th. He doesn’t know that I’m aware and might be staying away as he thinks I’ll go mad.

OP posts:
Original poster
LellowYedbetter · 17/02/2019 12:03

There may have been other cake-gates. I have Aspergers so don’t always realising when I’m obsessing over something. Nothing too extreme, just wanting to make sure everyone gets their share and not wanting stuff wasting.

OP posts:
TinselAngel · 17/02/2019 12:08

There isn't such a thing as fair "shares" of a birthday cake. It belongs to the person whose birthday it is. It's up to them if they share it.

Original poster
LellowYedbetter · 17/02/2019 12:11

I disagree. I think for one person to sit there gorging on a whole cake to themselves is greedy beyond belief and I wouldn’t allow it

OP posts:
NunoGoncalves · 17/02/2019 12:15

There isn't such a thing as fair "shares" of a birthday cake. It belongs to the person whose birthday it is. It's up to them if they share it.

See response by PP:

The difference in opinion is because in some people's worlds, birthday cake is gifted and owned by the birthday boy/girl. Other people see birthday cake as a communal item in the household that can be eaten as and when

In our house nobody "owns" a birthday cake! It's just bought for the family to celebrate that person's birthday! If they were away, we'd definitely cut and eat the cake without them! No sense it going to waste.

EssentialHummus · 17/02/2019 12:21

On the day/the next day, I'd say wait. As it goes now, I think I'd be cutting it up, putting some in the fridge for when DS surfaces, some in the freezer, and distributing to the DSSs.

findingmyfeet12 · 17/02/2019 12:22

Not sure why everyone is criticising the op?

If he doesn't come home in time, I'd cut it and ensure dss had some to take home.

He's 18. He knows that birthday cakes are for sharing. It's a family thing! Surely an 18 year old boy won't throw a tantrum at not being there to cut a cake Hmm

Tucobenedicto · 17/02/2019 12:26

FFS get a grip...it's a bloody cake not a Porsche who somebody wants a shot of before him..he won't care about cake..only when his next big night out is.

Shinyletsbebadguys · 17/02/2019 12:26

You mention repeatedly about not wasting food and then you wouldn't allow someone to sit and eat a whole cake ,it does sound like this is a thing for you and that possibly you do get obsessive about other people's food or food in general (to be fair lots of people do)

I would take a deep breath and step back and recognise it's a thing for you and leave well enough alone

I really do get it I have a couple of things I am like this about and DP has to point out kindly that I perhaps can't see that I am being controlling ...i find it helpful when he does tell me as I genuinely just don't see it

I sort of end up in a feedback loop where all I can see is my own view on repeat ...i need someone to break into my reverie so to speak

BaronessBomburst · 17/02/2019 12:28

Cut it up.
Eat it.
Buy/ make a fresh cake when DS eventually reappears.

Hairyporker · 17/02/2019 12:29

All this drama over a cake. No wonder he stays away.

findingmyfeet12 · 17/02/2019 12:33

I think it's weird that people even think about ownership when it comes to something like a birthday cake!

It's a big cake that everyone shares! One of my sisters always cuts birthday cakes regardless of whose birthday it is. She takes charge and it's just a thing that we've always done. No one throws a strop about it. It's just a bit of family fun.

Get over it.