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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Cake-gate

127 replies

LellowYedbetter · 16/02/2019 23:27

DS got a cake for his 18th. He’s not been home to see it cut (he does live here). He’s coming back tomorrow. DSS2 is here this weekend and wants some. I have said to DS to come home tomorrow morning so that DSS can get some cake before he goes home. I then said to DH that DSS2 can take some home for DSS1 (and his mum if he wants to) as it will get wasted otherwise. DH immediately said “no it’s ok”. I said “it will only go to waste that’s all ...” to which DH said “I don’t understand why you create so much drama around cake? It’s like as soon as a cake appears, you go into military mode ... it’s all stress and precision ... it’s weird ... “

So am I being a weird cunt or what? I don’t get what I did wrong?

OP posts:
sparklefarts · 17/02/2019 07:42

I completely disagree with everyone else. What 18 year old boy would care if their mum kindly offered out a couple of slices of cake!
And she clearly isn't cutting it before he has seen it.

Genuinely just think your being normal and nice OP

RhiWrites · 17/02/2019 07:48

OP’s not being weird. She wants to see a cake that serves 12 cut and served instead of binned. It’s been three days!

OP, ask your husband why he doesn’t care about it being wasted.

45andahalf · 17/02/2019 07:52

I don’t think you’re weird. Maybe a little bit keen on organising things, but with kind motives - you just want to make sure your stepsons get cake.

idontknowwhattosay · 17/02/2019 07:55

Where has the 18yr old been for that time?

YeahYeahYeahFineWhatever · 17/02/2019 07:59

I think you’re being nice. You want Ds20 to be able to do the “ happy birthday” bit with his Bro then cut the cake and hand some over for him to take, given his mental age is around 12, he’d probably enjoy that and be glad to be taking some cake.
DS18 has gone awol now he’ officially an adult, is enjoying life (probably on the lash) which is fair enough. But you are left trying to be the grown up and keep everyone happy, make sure all interested parties get a piece of cake and aren’t left out...
Also, I think DH IBU and abit of an ass to you. It’s about the experience, not the cake distribution.

caughtinanet · 17/02/2019 08:04

I don't think you're being wierd at all, since when did a cake become the property of the birthday person? And where are you all buying your cakes from that they go stale after 3 days when they haven't been cut into?

I do think it's a little odd to buy a cake for 12 when there are only 4 of you there but that's done now so cut the cake and let the DSSs have some to take home.

EvaHarknessRose · 17/02/2019 08:18

What dh seems to be missing is that you have thought about the cake, budgeted for the cake, bought the cake, messaged about the cake, and are now thinking of others who may enjoy partaking in the cake. He has not had to think about any of that (maybe he will for dss birthday if you guys share the mental load?) You don’t sound preoccupied about the cake, in fact you sound very laid back (I hope you get to celebrate the 18th with ds at some point!) and your dh could be less snappy about a simple suggestion (but maybe it touched a nerve that you asked him but didn’t accept his ‘no its ok’). And fwiw I wouldn’t make or buy a small cake for an 18th either, I would go big too.

FrannySalinger · 17/02/2019 08:22

Hold on - has your son seen his birthday cake, he's just not there to see it being cut? Because if so, and unless when you cut it it will explode with fireworks and chorus girls, I'd just cut the cake and not ware it.

FrannySalinger · 17/02/2019 08:23

*waste it

MsMightyTitanAndHerTroubadours · 17/02/2019 08:30

If he's seen it and not been arsed to cut it, then he's missed his chance to be precious about it, imo

Send dss off with a nice chunk and treat the rest of it like communal property.

and don't let dh have any.....that'll teach him.

spinabifidamom · 17/02/2019 08:32

Its his birthday right? Maybe you should use pictures of the cake to help him understand. I understand you hate wasting money. I feel the same way. And no you are not being unreasonable here. Whenever we celebrate a birthday we always take home slices of the birthday cake to eat as a snack the next day if we find we’re feeling peckish. As a last ditch option you might have to stop buying cake if he does not want to eat it.

Hairyporker · 17/02/2019 08:35

I suspect the issue for the Ops husband is her making a mountain out of a molehill on many different issues.

GottenGottenGotten · 17/02/2019 08:36

Op, I think it's lovely that you are being so considerate of your step children.

Your dh's reaction is odd to me, it's not like you are trying to feed half the neighbourhood - you want his son, - not your son- to get some before he goes home.

In what world is that unreasonable?

ChesterGreySideboard · 17/02/2019 08:37

It kind of depends.

If it’s a standard shop bought boxed up cake, then cut it.
If it’s a home made but plain type cake, like a Victoria sponge, then cut it.
If it’s a fancy made to order celebration type cake with beautiful decorations and sparklers and shit, then leave it.

feska5 · 17/02/2019 08:37

I don’t think you are being weird at all. You are being a normal mum who wants to keep everyone happy and share a cake you bought. Cut it and share it. DS will enjoy it what’s left when he returns home from his celebrations. Wouldn’t bother with a 21st cake though ☺️

Loseitandkeepitlost · 17/02/2019 08:45

Just portion & freeze the leftover cake, it doesn’t have to be wasted!

I would have just text son to see if it was okay to cut a bit off to give to DSS. I can’t imagine an 18 year old enjoying being sumonsed home to cut a cake!

DointItForTheKids · 17/02/2019 08:49

Did 18 yo DS want a cake? I think the fact that he's been absent (with his same-age friends / significant other) shows that he's not very interested in the cake at all and is an adult (technically!) now and just probably not at all interested being in an entirely different phase of life where going out with his mates is a far far higher priority than coming home to his mum and dad's to eat birthday cake!

On that basis I'd text him and say "Hey DS, I don't want to cut into your cake but DSS is leaving tomorrow afternoon and I wanted to send some cake home with him - would you be upset if I cut three slices for him and his family that he can take back with him??" Job done, no drama.

And next year I'd completely review my cake-buying plans for his 19th because I can't imagine his interest will have increased next year, probably quite the opposite.

You said "DS got a cake for his 18th" - what, that was his present? Not "About DS birthday cake for his 18th". And "He's not been home to see it cut" - it does seem that the cake - the cutting and eating of it seems to have considerable significance to you - that's how it's coming across, rightly or wrongly, when I read your OP.

Whilst I totally get where you're coming from OP re not wasting it and you're obviously kindly trying to accommodate autistic DSS's needs, your husband's comment seems to indicate you have prior form for this with respect to cakes specifically which has clearly influenced your DHs comment.

Whereareyouspot · 17/02/2019 08:51

I’m with you!
I don’t think you are being weird you are just trying to make sure a cake actually gets eaten rather than sits and goes stale!

Besides DS isn’t being a bit rude not bothering to even cut it on his bday!
Get him home to have happy bday sung by DSS and then cut cake then just distribute it out as per your idea so it at least gets enjoyed.

Next year don’t bother getting or making one!

Imperfectsusan · 17/02/2019 08:54

Leave the cake untouched. It's weird to cut it when he isn't here and hasn't even seen it.

He can always freeze leftovers, and DSS should be the one to wait. I'm sure DS will give cake to whoever he wants.

diddl · 17/02/2019 09:01

I can see where you're coming from, Op.

As for wanting to send some to your husband's other son & ex-why would he say no to that & why would the cake go to waste if you didn't do that?

sighrollseyes · 17/02/2019 09:09

I can't imagine I was at home on my 18th for a birthday cake cutting! If I was it would have been arranged by my parents for a time that suited me lol!

TheJobNeverEnded · 17/02/2019 09:09

Where is this place where a "12" serving cake gets wasted by 3 people.?

Who the hell doesn't have cake for breakfast following the birthday?

Why are there no willing cake eaters in work or on the street? Where is this hell?

bridgetreilly · 17/02/2019 09:18

Three days after his birthday and he can't be bothered to come home for ten minutes to have some cake? Yeah, I'd have been eating that all weekend. He's not interested in it.

OP, did you even ask your son if he wanted a cake and when he'd like to have it? Has he been home to open cards and presents and things?

HeyArthur · 17/02/2019 10:17

Your son is clearly not bothered about the cake. I would have been eating the cake since Thursday personally and my DC wouldn't mind me giving some away. I cannot stand to see wasted food. (Cake is a special treat in our house though so would not be wasted)

Birdsgottafly · 17/02/2019 10:28

"DSS2 is 20 but autistic so mentally about 12."

So you think that because someone is Autistic they are mentally a child?

My 21 year old, studying and working DD, who also happens to have Autism, certainly isn't. Neither are her peers who she went to a SEN School with.

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