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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Wedding far away, baby

48 replies

Strugglingonagain · 16/02/2019 21:00

So DH sibling has announced they are getting married this summer in a country very far away.

We have 2 children, aged 5 and 2months. We weren't going to have any holiday this year due to lack of money as I'm on maternity. There is literally no spare.

DH family offered to pay for flights, maybe accommodation. There would be food and activity costs, I don't see how we would pay for them really.

I have pnd. We don't think we can take the children as its so far and we don't have the money to make a proper holiday out of it. Should DH go? I'm not sure I can manage without him for at least a week/10 days, and scrabbling for food/spending money will literally mean there is none for activities with the kids here all summer and all his time off work will be spent there.

AIBU to not want him to go? I feel awful but I don't see how it work.

OP posts:
greendale17 · 16/02/2019 21:01

I would let him go.

BuffaloCauliflower · 16/02/2019 21:03

I don’t think either of you should go, you clearly can’t afford for even just him to go and it’s a long time for him to be away, the bride and groom have chosen what they want but it doesn’t work for their guests and if you decide to marry far away in other countries you have to accept many guests won’t make it.

LilaJude · 16/02/2019 21:03

I would let him go but try and limit it as much as possible - he wouldn’t need to go for a full week, and would just have to do it as cheaply as possible. But it isn’t your fault if it’s really not something manageable.

GreatDuckCookery6211 · 16/02/2019 21:04

It sounds hard but I think I would find a way for you all to go rather than DH miss out on his siblings wedding.

BuffaloCauliflower · 16/02/2019 21:06

@GreatDuckCookery his sibling should have thought of this before putting his brother in such a difficult position. These ‘destination weddings’ are so selfish

2birds1stone · 16/02/2019 21:07

I wouod suggest he only goes for a few days. Arrive day before wedding come back day after if it's affordable.

It's nice his family are willing to help but if the children haven't got passports that another £200. Let alone stuff to take, clothes, wedding gift etc.

Perhaps suggest when the couple are back you call go out for a meal together to celebrate maybe a lunchtime To make it easier with children?

Ethel80 · 16/02/2019 21:07

I don't have a massive issue with weddings abroad but at least give plenty of bloody notice! It's really shitty to announce now for a summer wedding.

It's difficult because for most weddings the advice would be to go if you want but there shouldn't be an expectation and the couple must realise that a lot of people won't be able to come.

This is a bit different as it's his sister. Maybe clarify with the parents what is paid for and what isn't and then try and work out if you all going is at all affordable.

GreatDuckCookery6211 · 16/02/2019 21:08

Erm the family have offered to pay for flights and towards accommodation, hardly selfish in this instance is it?

RandomMess · 16/02/2019 21:09

It's too short notice, you can't afford it and you don't know if you will be well enough to cope without DH I think all 3 make it a "no"

HappyDinosaur · 16/02/2019 21:09

How long would the flight be? I would try and go if it were me, it sounds like you could do with the break. I'm sure they'll understand if only your dh can make it though.

RandomMess · 16/02/2019 21:09

Is it close enough for him to go for 3 days?

Ethel80 · 16/02/2019 21:10

@GreatDuckCookery I think it is selfish.

Time off work, spending money, the fact that a close family member has very young children.

Ethel80 · 16/02/2019 21:10

Sorry, pressed send. I think the short notice is selfish, not the wedding.

GreatDuckCookery6211 · 16/02/2019 21:12

It may be short notice but the family have offered to pay for flights and accommodation.

Oysterbabe · 16/02/2019 21:13

I'd let him go. Can you visit your family for a few days?

Echobelly · 16/02/2019 21:15

It's a hard one - it's his sibling so that's someone whose wedding he really should be at , but obviously you have a lot of needs at home. Is there anyone, friend or family, who could stay with you (even if they're only around either side of working) while he goes to the wedding and stays as briefly as he is able to, with his parents paying if they're willing? That might be the best solution if possible.

If it's going to be too hard for you to go and he's willing to stay for your sake, could he maybe arrange something nice like a video message or live video call at the Reception to share in the event?

AnchorDownDeepBreath · 16/02/2019 21:17

Can he get any overtime?

I think he needs to go if at all possible. Would his parents pay for him if he asked? Even as a loan?

AnneLovesGilbert · 16/02/2019 21:19

Does he want to go?

timeisnotaline · 16/02/2019 21:24

I appreciate it’s very difficult but in the ops position I would not want my dp to go, and I haven’t had pnd. Just two small children and sacrificing the little things like a class or ready meal that make life manageable so my dp can go to a wedding... it’s not reasonable. Add in how difficult it would be simply to cope without him... I know it’s not fair but nor is leaving me to do all the parenting at the hardest point for the children they both wanted because his sister decided on a destination wedding (the op has said they can’t afford to all go, despite the generous offers of support)

Original poster
Strugglingonagain · 16/02/2019 21:27

Thanks for opinions, everyone.

It's over a day travelling.

He wants to go as it's his family's wedding, but also doesn't see how in terms of finance and worries about leaving me, not being with children etc

OP posts:
emilybrontescorsett · 16/02/2019 21:46

I would let dh go but for less than a week.
So arrive maybe the day before and leave the day after the wedding.

sweetpeach91 · 16/02/2019 22:00

If the Op didn't have a young baby and no PND then since husbands family can pay for him to go, I'd say he should go.

BUT, OP is clearly struggling and does not need to be left alone for at least a week with no support or help. I've not had PND but suffer from depression myself and it is debilitating. She needs someone there to help carry the load. Honestly @Strugglingonagain if this was me and my husband was considering going and leaving me then I would be seriously upset and letting him know that.

How is it fair he gets a week away with no kids, no wife, drinks whenever and his poor wife stays home with PND and a school aged child + baby?

I find destination weddings incredibly selfish, I wouldn't be able to afford to go to one and even if we had the spare money I certainly wouldn't spend it on flights and hotels to spend with lots of family for a whole week all gushing about a bloody wedding. 🤷🏻‍♀️

Redwinestillfine · 16/02/2019 22:03

He should go, but take them up on free flights and money towards accommodation. You have a good reason not to go.

Leeds2 · 16/02/2019 22:10

I would encourage DH to go by himself, taking up the offer of free flights and accommodation. He can surely do it in less than a week though, albeit he might be jet lagged. Maybe take eldest DC with him, although can see that would be difficult with the travelling if doing it within a 4 day timescale.

babysharkah · 16/02/2019 22:11

Sometimes it's ok to say no, it just doesn't work for us.

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