Am I over reacting and how do I deal with this situation

[Ccg1]

Okay here goes I'm 24 been with my 34 year old bf for almost a year but I feel the mother of his kids leans on him way too much for example she got a new house he spent almost every day helping her decorate get furniture etc this went on for almost four weeks then two days ago she phoned him saying she had an appointment he told her what bus to get but she wants a lift she put all her worried on him and it is seriously frying my head I have no kids I have took on their kids like my own but they see each other everyday his mum doesn't help as she asks him to take her here and there she's every where I just lost my job and I use work 8 hours every night so never noticed it as much help please

You're far too young to be taking on a stepmum role. I can't see this ever changing. He seems very involved still with his ex and that would bother me too. I know you don't want to leave him but you have two choices. Like it or lump it.

I have work since 14 years of age cared for my mother been to college got qualifications and probably have alot more life experience than you tbqh it isn't him who has issue communicating its me down to past issues we have a very loving relationship but I suffer anxiety so alot of things run through my head that's why I'm here ask for advice not for people to judge my relationship because that is not the issue my partner has already brought the issue up I am actually a mature person the thing with his mum isn't him running after his my it's his mum encouraging them to spend more time together alot of you are making me out to be this stupid wee girl who knows nothing ive been through and dealt with a hell of a lot my muturity is one of the thing that attracted my partner to me.

Plus the free childcare (with sex on the side).

Wow OP you are getting some really arsey responses here. Not sure why some posters need to be so twatish given that you have posted a genuine request for advice

It's the stepmother thing again. Many posters, and certainly the first few, want to believe that it's right and natural for an ex to hang around and do husband work over and beyond and they love the idea that his ex has control over him and that the ex's new woman is getting screwed.

OP - seriously - you are getting screwed and it's not fair. You are living with your BF and doing his 'wife work', while he does 'husband work' for his ex. Personally, I'd run, because unless the Mother finds a new man to be at her beck and call then this pattern isn't going to change (and she might be needy enough for two, you never know). At the very least, make it clear that they are his kids and his responsibility. Nothing about penis ownership precludes a man from the daily chores associated with HIS children. Sleep in, look after yourself and see your friends. If he has to look after his own kids you might find that the dynamic between him and his ex changes because suddenly he won't have time to do her bidding. As it is, you are enabling this by giving him time.

Does his ex reciprocate by giving him lifts, helping him around the house....y'know, for the benefit of the kids, like?

I actually feel for you, I have a couple of friends that are or have been in the same position. Some of these mums (not all) are quite vindictive and know that their ex is scared to upset them or say no in fear of not seeing their children, one even dictates what he has to do with them while they stay at my friends house even if they've made their own plans, and it's activities she wouldn't bother doing herself! It does put a huge strain on your relationship and it's up to you whether or not he's worth sticking around for, most of these men are genuinely good guys so that's a good thing and the children will eventually grow older and things won't be so intense.

you’re 24 and have your whole life ahead of you, whilst they’re 2st over their ‘target weight’, have 3 children to a man who ignored their calls and rely on universal credits to be able to order a takeaway on a Friday night! 😒

That's a bit much, don't you think? Women on here are from many different backgrounds and this level of name calling is childish.

OP you need to raise it with your bf and tell him it's an issue and have an open and honest conversation so you can figure out a compromise and he can explain himself. If you can't do that then your relationship needs work before you continue to slave for his children.

Good luck

Op your update about caring for your mum and experiencing a lot does not surprise me. Those posting about how you should be out partying are way off the mark. I suspect after your experiences what you want is security, stability and love. You have met a man who you love and think this is the "one".
But you are angry that he spends every day with his ex and that his mother seems to be pushing him and his ex together. And you are doing the majority of the childcare when the kids are with you. But you want advice about how to resolve these issues, because you want to fight for your relationship.

You sound like me at your age. But I have learned that if there are big issues in a relationship after only a year, things are not going to get better. After a year you should still be in the honeymoon phase where everything looks wonderful. You clearly are not.
No he should not be spending every day with your ex. But he is choosing to do that. He is also choosing to leave the majority of childcare to you.
I know this is harsh to hear, but the truth is he is not focused on you. It sounds like his ex comes first. Before you, and before his children. And I don't think sadly you can do anything to change this.

Also OP listen to your anger. That tells you clearly what you are unhappy about. And to answer your question, no you are not over reacting.

Have you talked to him about all this, OP? Surely that should be the starting point.

If you talk to him and his sees your point of view or convinces you of his point of view, all well and good, but otherwise remember that you cannot change other people, only yourself.

That's more involvement than I'd be happy with, so wouldn't choose to continue the relationship. There is no reason for him to spend a month organising her house for her. A lift to an appointment, that one wouldnt bother me. It doesn't matter whether other people think what's reasonable- although I have no idea how it's reasonable to spend a month sorting out an ex's house, but it seems on MN that it's normal to still be over involved when a relationship ends and anything less is seen as weird........

Ok I was a younger carer for my mother. You do have experiences that others won't.

But I am 11 years in front of you. While you have experienced things that others haven't, that doesn't make you more mature. More cynical and a bit closed off and left with a certain view that you need to keep everything in and rely on yourself, yes. You still don't have the life experience of someone 10 years older who has 3 kids.

You shouldn't be doing the majority of anything. He is the parent. You have been with him a very short time. He is using the fact that you are naturally in a carers role and taking advantage.

If you arent ready to the things that are wrong, you arent ready.

Ok I’m out then. You seem very angry and aren’t listening to most of the advice here.

Sorry you find yourself I need this situation and I hope you can resolve it.

I am still good friend with my ex. He does me favours, I do him (and his wife - both separately and together!) favours.

It isn’t about wanting to have someone to do “husband work”. It’s about friends helping each other out.

You need to speak to your partner about the situation.

I don’t think either of you are necessarily in the wrong over this issue, but you might not be compatible over it.

You horrible patronising bunch of woman
What ever happened to being United and supportive - most of the responses here have been a disgrace
How can you all be so judgemental when the poor lass has only responded 3 times I wonder why it's not been flowing conversation when she's been hit with 4 pages of mostly negative replies.

People saying it's not a movie should be effortless are you single from lack of effort in your partnership??
All this your 24 should be out there getting plastered and doing silly young girl stuff no you do not know what's happened in this lass life to take her to where she's at in life ! It's hard to behave immature when your a 24 year old adult who does have responsibilities!
And to be fair if my 24 year old daughter isn't on the ball by that age and still out drinking cocktails and in party mode I'll be very disappointed!
I don't know how old half of you are but it's not the same from you being young !
My mother is 45 and was always taught to be responsible
There has been some decent mother's here giving some sound advice instead of the trash the rest of you spoke !
To make assumptions their relationship started through her being the one to break them up or to state she wants to have children to tie him down is beyond ridiculous!
She asked for advice and has probably left feeling more paranoid and on edge than she did before with all the he's going to leave he's using you nonsense maybe the man doesn't know how to behave in the situation and just needs to be a bit more eyes open to ccg1s needs

Your update makes sense to me, OP. You’re used to being the helper/carer from a young age from your experience with your mother, and you’ve fallen into something of the same role in this relationship, doing far too much of the childcare and grunt work, and, significantly, getting angry when it’s become obvious your partner also falls into the carer role with his ex-wife and mother.

Listen to your anger. I don’t think this is a good situation for you, and the chances of significantly altering a dynamic that is very established are slim.

@Ccg1
He’s treating you like a nanny that he’s having an affair with your 24 and unpaid help.
Find a new job and a new boyfriend

From what you've described in your OP I'd be amazingly proud of my partner if I was you.

Parenting as a couple is fucking hard let alone as a couple who've split.

He sounds pretty epic that he understands it may be his Ex's house; but it's his kids home. That her anxieties are not his issue; but the impact that may have on their children are.

greener cleaner. OP asked for advice and for other people’s perspectives.

She is 24, unhappy in her relationship and unemployed. She isn’t doing the lions share of childcare for a man who she feels is spending too much time with his ex wife and mother. She doesn’t seem to have talked to her boyfriend about her concerns or needs.

I think a lot of people would suggest the relationship isn’t working and she should speak to him to see if this will change. If it won’t she should consider whether she wants to stay. No relationship is perfect, but if it is this hard this early on then maybe it isn’t right.

And yes I would advise my daughter to enjoy her twenties, and to be happy, OP clearly isn’t happy. It would break my heart if my daughter felt this way at any age. She clearly has had a tough life - she deserves to be happy.

I advised lots of things she could be doing, travelling, more education, finding a challenging new career. I don’t think this is patronising. But in any case it’s just advice - she won’t take it and it’s not what she wants to hear. That’s ok.

I hope my daughter drinks cocktails all though her life, I hope she sings and dances and is the CEO of a global corporation. I hope she is healthy and happy and is adored by her partner and is he centre of his (or her) world. I hope she fills her life with experiences, and travels the world. I hope she doesn’t silly girl stuff until she is ninety!!! My own mother recently spent an afternoon trampolining followed by a couple of Proseccos. She laughed all afternoon!!

You’re daughter can be on the ball and still enjoy spending tim with her friends. I managed a large team in my twenties and still had great nights out with my old friends - and shockingly we occassionally had a cocktail!!!!!!

Should be I hope she does silly girl stuff until she is ninety!

Happiness matters OP. And no a relationship at any age should not be this hard, and especially not this hard when you have only been together a year. Don't believe anyone who tells you you have to work at it. That is rubbish unless you are the kind of person to walk out when you have your first disagreement, and that is clearly not you.
In any relationship don't think about whether you love the person, but about whether they make your life happier and better. If they make you happier, then it is a good relationship. This relationship is not making you happier.

Something tells me GreenerCleaner is the OP...

And is either a 16 year old girl or an idiot.

I have been married for 27 years OP, and no I don't think you need to work on relationships. I used to, and this belief kept me in a crap relationship longer than I should have been.

@HappyHattie if it helps, I am 36. I wouldn't be 24 again if you paid me. My exh didn't leave me and isnt now with someone in their twenties. I left him and am very happy with my Dp.

And yes I agree that Greenercleaner who seems to have name changed just for this thread is the op. We have no obligation to to agree with the op simply because she is a woman.