Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Am I over reacting and how do I deal with this situation

110 replies

Ccg1 · 16/02/2019 18:06

Okay here goes I'm 24 been with my 34 year old bf for almost a year but I feel the mother of his kids leans on him way too much for example she got a new house he spent almost every day helping her decorate get furniture etc this went on for almost four weeks then two days ago she phoned him saying she had an appointment he told her what bus to get but she wants a lift she put all her worried on him and it is seriously frying my head I have no kids I have took on their kids like my own but they see each other everyday his mum doesn't help as she asks him to take her here and there she's every where I just lost my job and I use work 8 hours every night so never noticed it as much help please

OP posts:
Vulpine · 16/02/2019 21:39

The mother of his kids is 'needy'! Out of interest has he told you why the relationship broke down.

QueenieInFrance · 16/02/2019 21:39

It is not up to you to decide how much involvement your BF has with his exW or to try to make him change his level of involvement.

LOL seriously? You mean it’s ok for a man to spend everyday at his ex helping her and supporting her? It’s ok for them to more or less carry on behaving as if they were still together??
The OP has no right to decide how much involvement he has with HIS DCS. She very surely has a right to say how involved he is with HER.
She is his ex. Why would it want to spend everyday for 4 weeks at his ex rather than with the OP?

Bluntness100 · 16/02/2019 21:42

After 1 year of dating he should not ask you to get up in the night to care for his children! You are not a babysitter or au pair

Yup, au pair is what I thought, I've a 21 year old daughter, I'd be very sad indeed if she moved in with a bloke she'd known less than a year and was doing rhe majority of thr child care when he slept through or got on about his business.

At 24 , fuck me, you should be having fun, I was, night clubs, cocktails, gigs, and too short skirts, not bloody up in the night for some guys kids you've know a few months, whilst he lets you.

TowelNumber42 · 16/02/2019 21:43

I would not be happy at that level of contact if I were you.

I would be much much more annoyed at him leaving the parenting to me when his children stay over. He doesn't live with his children any more. They are young. He should be building bonds with them by doing everything when they are with him not palming them off on his latest girlfriend .

Dippypippy1980 · 16/02/2019 21:44

My exes new partner is actually older!

NO-one here can advise her on how to stop her boyfriend spending so much time with this ex wife. That is entirely his choice. Nor can anyone advise her how to stop him spending time with his mum.

She is determined to stay with him and do all the leg work when his young children stay.

So her only option is to ask him to reduce time with Ex wife and his mum. And stay and become increasingly annoyed if he doesn’t acquiesce.

THis seems to have bubbled up since OP lost her job (which has meant she is in the house at bedtime etc and is lumbered with nanny duty). Maybe a new job is the answer - a new life outside the home, a new career and a new focus.

TowelNumber42 · 16/02/2019 21:45

I am guessing he left her for you. He has discovered that home life can be a drag with you too, even though you do all the childcare. She's open to taking him back, he's open to it too, hence all the time spent together. Maybe he's doing all the DIY to show that he's not a lazy arse any more (she doesn't see him failing to look after the children when they are at yours).

Singletomingle · 16/02/2019 21:47

YANBU but he is in a no win situation. I'm sure he would happily move on but is terrified to say no in case she prevents access to his kids. I doubt he has any attachment to her but he will do anything to maintain contact with his children.

Dippypippy1980 · 16/02/2019 21:54

I’m also not saying he is right to be at ex’s beck and call, I am saying it is very hard to change people.

He does this because he wants to.

The comments about his mum just sound immature - or maybe age appropriate for someone is their early twenties??

OP my twenties were a blast - loads of travel and booze and parties. It’s the time when you establish your career and make tremendous mistakes in your personal life!! My daughter is tiny, but I s hope when she is your age she is spending her Saturday nights dancing and drinking (not too much), not arguing with peopl on mumsnet over whether she should leave her much older boyfriend who leaves her to look after his kids while bphe droves his ex wife round!

Leave him and book a weekend in Amsterdam with your mates, or take a college course, or go backpacking, or move into a house share with a load of silly girls, or have a wild night out Life is so short for this shit.

In ten years time you can worry about bedtimes and teeth and packed lunches for your own kids,.

MyBaa · 16/02/2019 21:54

you work and fight for what you love

If you're in a movie you do. If you're a normal person in a good relationship, you don't need to "work and fight". You just get on with it.

If my husband and I split up, I KNOW he would remain involved in the house and the children. I know that because he's a good person and that's how close we are....once you have children with a person, there's always something there. Connecting you. If the man leaves and is a good man, he would always help the Mother of his children out because it's for his children's benefit.

TheGreenerCleaner · 16/02/2019 21:56

Ccg1 I think possibly if you havent already he may just need this brought to his attention that your not comfortable with the amount of time that is being put aside for the children's mother - yes they can be brilliant parents but with boundaries.

You clearly enjoy your role here just see what your other half says your not asking for the kids to be left out just the ex a little less its not much to ask for if he plans on having a future with you x

HeddaGarbled · 16/02/2019 21:57

That’s a pity because it’s going to make it harder for you to step back from doing his childcare for him.

Please take this advice from an older and more experienced woman:

You are not his domestic servant. You must insist that he pulls his weight in the home right from the very beginning of the relationship, even while you are all loved up and wanting to make him happy, because if you don’t stand up for yourself now, in 10 years’ time, when you are sick to your back teeth of being treated like a drudge, it will be much much more difficult, if not impossible, to redress the balance.

JustHereForThePooStories · 16/02/2019 22:09

From what you’ve posted, it’s very unlikely that your relationship with this man will be long-term so he’s right not to jeopardise his relationship with the mother of his children for you.

CJsGoldfish · 16/02/2019 22:25

Don't be one of those stupid woman who think having a baby will reign him in and assert your place in the pecking order. You sound immature enough to consider going down that path. It never ends well.

Other than that, you really are too young to be worried about this shit. You should be having fun and this doesn't sound like a whole lot of fun to me

HappyHattie · 16/02/2019 22:47

OP 🤔

MN is populated at least 75% by women just like your DP’s ex! So you are NOT going to get actual advice on your issue, you will however get plenty of abuse from women who are frankly very jealous of the fact that you’re 24 and have your whole life ahead of you, whilst they’re 2st over their ‘target weight’, have 3 children to a man who ignored their calls and rely on universal credits to be able to order a takeaway on a Friday night! 😒

Whilst yes there are a lot of genuinely ‘wronged’ women on here there are also ALOT of now Middle Aged women who hold any female in their 20’s personally responsible for their DH’s having walked out on them!

It’s NOT ok that your DP is that involved with his ex. Children of course - but ex no!
If she were calling him because DC needed to go to an apt, or she needed care for DC whilst she went to an apt - fair enough!

But he is not her husband anymore, his ONLY responsibility is to his children!

If you were in your thirties and had your own kids- you’d be revisiting much more support for being in this same situation!

tildaMa · 16/02/2019 22:55

You come here whingeing your boyfriend helped decorate his children's home and call the mother of his children very needy? Seriously?

He's in a different place in life than you.
Grow up and find someone without kids.

AnneLovesGilbert · 16/02/2019 22:58

As a very happy step mum and second wife (he’s also my second husband Shock) I’m not one of the posters you imagine are on here HappyHattie and my advice to OP was to make peace with the set up between her bf and his ex as it won’t change if he’s happy with it. It won’t. My husband isn’t close to his ex, they barely speak and only ever about the children, and I wouldn’t want to have 3 people in my relationship so I wouldn’t have lasted a year with the dynamic OP describes. What I’m happy with is my responsibility, as it is for all of us. If OP doesn’t like it then she can leave. She knows the deal, her bf’s loyalty seems clearly to be to his ex, we don’t know why, but she’s very unlikely to have any influence on it while everyone else is doing what they want and getting what they need - ex: dogsbody, bf: knight in shining armour complex.

You’re clearly spoiling for a fight and have said some pretty nasty things so I don’t know what your agenda is, but you’re not helping OP.

Dippypippy1980 · 16/02/2019 23:01

Happyhattir. I hink a lot of the advice here has been good.

I do think the OP is too young to put up with this. She is unemployed and living with a man who doesn’t respect her.

I don’t resent her, I’m not jealous and I don’t blame her for the breakdown of my marriage - I blame my on crappy taste in men🤭

I do think she should be out enjoying herself and setting herself up with a career path which willl challenge and fulfill her. I have given room the advice I would gove my daughter in the position.

I think you have been too dismissive of people on her. Yes we got caught up in OP assertions about her parenting - but we have also advised her to embrace life and not be an unpaid nanny for a man who she can’t seem to communicate her basic needs to.

Dippypippy1980 · 16/02/2019 23:04

Happthattie you have also ignored OPs complaint s about her boyfriend seeing his mum.

PolarBearDisguisedAsAPenguin · 16/02/2019 23:08

So according to your posts, he has no interest in parenting his own children and leaves that to you but wants to spend all his spare time with his ex doing family things (DIY) and helpful husband-like things (giving lifts).

Mmmhmmm · 16/02/2019 23:09

It sounds like the ex wants your BF to do "husband work" except he's not her husband anymore. Hmm

TruthHertz81 · 16/02/2019 23:14

I'd be annoyed if my partner was driving their ex around like a chauffeur. This to me is a separate issue from being a good father. Decorating the house is very charitable of him already.

TruthHertz81 · 16/02/2019 23:15

It sounds like the ex wants your BF to do "husband work" except he's not her husband anymore.

Exactly!

AyoadesChinDimple · 16/02/2019 23:19

YANBU. She still sees them as married and he's doing nothing to challenge her view. I'd GTFO if I were you.

mkmo · 16/02/2019 23:28

If you feel that the mother of his children is using him that can be very frustrating. If you make him aware of how will he react? Be prepared that he may not change. Can you live happily in this relationship knowing that's the case?

MrsTerryPratcett · 16/02/2019 23:28

It sounds like the ex wants your BF to do "husband work" except he's not her husband anymore.

Unfortunately he's doing it so there we are.

OP I know you but 10-15 years down the road. She spent her late 20s and early 30s looking after her step children. She'd like kids of her own but he doesn't want any more. He's raised his children. She has to pretend it was her family, but I see how sad she is. Don't be her.