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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think his friend is BU by even asking this!!

72 replies

UserUser123 · 16/02/2019 12:55

DD (11) fell the other night and broke her wrist. She had to have a procedure done on it yesterday morning as she broke both her wrist joints and it knocked the wrist out of place so it had to be reset. She had to be taken to Theatre and have this done under general anaesthetic. Her BP was high all day yesterday plus they were giving her morphine for the pain so we didn’t get out of hospital until late last night. DD didn’t sleep well last night due to pain and I slept in with her so I’m pretty done in myself (I also stayed in hospital with her so have hardly slept for 2 days) I’m also 34 weeks pregnant.

DP has just said to me that his friend is on at him to go out on the piss tonight! He said he’ll need to tell him something to palm him off so he doesn’t need to go! Said friend is now getting pissy with DP because he won’t go out.

Eh, what?!! I said tell him your daughter is ill and you need to be at home.

Who is being unreasonable here?

OP posts:
Oakmaiden · 16/02/2019 13:30

If you feel you need him at home, tell him to just say "No" to his friend. And if his friend really pushes (which he almost certainly won't if he is told a firm no) then to just keep saying no.

Alternatively, if you don't need him, tell him that if he wants to go then he should discuss the matter clearly rather than trying to manipulate the situation.

wildgirls · 16/02/2019 13:30

It’s just about shared responsibility isn’t it? OP is worried about their daughter, she’s in pain and OP is knackered and probably just wants to go to bed tonight knowing that she doesn’t have to be the only one worrying about their daughter and a potential trip back to the hospital!
I get it and would feel the same. I’ve been in situations where I’ve been in with poorly kids and husband had wanted to go out, got really drunk, stayed elsewhere then been a write off the next day. People have accused me of being selfish when I have an issue with that but it is just about sharing the load and supporting each other. Nights out can happen any fine surely?!

cheesydoesit · 16/02/2019 13:32

wildgirls has summed it up perfectly.

SeaToSki · 16/02/2019 13:38

Im going to ignore the DH thing as you have had lots of good advice.

Your DD’s arm. Keep it elevated above her heart and the finger tips above the elbow. The lower it is, the more it will swell. The more it swells, the more it will hurt. If it swells and pushes against the side of the cast it will be agonising for her and you will be up with her all night. If it swells too much it will cause pins and needles as it will be squashing the nerves in her arm (not good) and you will need to take her back in to get her cast loosened.

This can all be avoided by keeping her arm elevated 🙂. For my DD i used a pile of pillows on the broken side, a pillowpet on her chest in case she wanted to move her cast there and a pillow on her non broken side to stop her rolling over. I also went in and checked on her a couple of times during the night to make sure she hadnt wriggled around. During the day she sat sideways on a sofa with her arm on the sofa back.

Also for the first couple of days, give her the full dose pain medicine the doctors recommended and wake her up at night to space the doses properly. You want to stay ahead of the pain

Original poster
UserUser123 · 16/02/2019 13:39

Obviously I can’t stop him from going out and I wouldn’t. But what I wanted for tonight was him to spend the night in DD’s bedroom and get up to give her pain relief...help her to the toilet...etc so I can get a sleep.

He’s had our kingsize bed to himself the past 2 nights while I had to stay in hospital with DD, in a ward where a mum was constantly shouting at her little boy all through the night as he wouldn’t take his medicine, so I got about an hours sleep there - then I slept in with DD last night so was up several times during last night too. I’m shattered.

The friend is single with no kids and as far as I’m aware, still stays with his mum (at 35 years old) myself and DP are 37. So DP wouldn’t be able to spend the night at his place.

OP posts:
Jeezoh · 16/02/2019 13:41

Have you actually told him what you’ve put in your first paragraph oh your latest post?

WinnieFosterTether · 16/02/2019 13:42

Actually you can't stop him going out. Not by saying 'you're not allowed' but by saying 'your family need you to be here tonight and take your turn sitting up with DD'. He's hoping you'll be too nice to be explicit about what you and your DD need.

Original poster
UserUser123 · 16/02/2019 13:46

Thanks for the advice, @SeaToSki.

I have been making sure her arm is elevated, at an angle with her hand above the heart at all times and propped up with pillows. The swelling is OK but she has had some pins and needles in the tips of her middle and right finger since this morning. I’m going to keep an eye on it and if they don’t go away I’ll call the hospital ward for some advice. She also has a good sling which is helping keep her arm elevated. She’s moving her fingers a lot too - as the hospital advised 🙂

OP posts:
mummmy2017 · 16/02/2019 13:47

Go the other way,,. I am so happy you said no to friend, and that you are putting us first.
Can you look after DD tonight so I can go to bed early.

Thanks love you,. Your the best

Original poster
UserUser123 · 16/02/2019 13:49

Jeezoh - Yea I did say this to him. That’s when he said he’d have to think of an excuse not to go then said the friend was getting pissy that he wasn’t going out.

As far as I’m aware too, the night out wasn’t pre arranged and the friend only asked him to go out today.

OP posts:
Yulebealrite · 16/02/2019 13:50

what I wanted for tonight was him to spend the night in DD’s bedroom and get up to give her pain relief...help her to the toilet...etc so I can get a sleep.

You need to tell him this.

Fluffycloudland77 · 16/02/2019 13:51

I'd want my dh home in those circumstances.

Family comes first

morningconstitutional2017 · 16/02/2019 13:51

Your DH's friend needs to understand that there are more important things than going out on the piss. Sometimes due to circumstances family has to take precedence and this is one of them.

Your DH has to tell his immature friend that he needs to be available for ill DD and very pregnant wife. What if he has to take you to hospital - if he's away or drunk he won't be a fit state - not very grown-up is it? He needs to put his big boy pants on and tell his friend straight.

Jeezoh · 16/02/2019 13:52

He sounds like a total wet lettuce who sounds more bothered about pissing off his friend than supporting his family. I hope he finds an excuse he’s happy with and doesn’t mention it to you again!

Margot33 · 16/02/2019 13:54

I think its his turn to look after dd tonight to give you a good nights rest. It's only fair. I'm sure he can go out next weekend?!

MumW · 16/02/2019 13:54

How about "I know you were looking forward to your piss up night out but I'm so exhausted that you need take reponsibility for the night shift so I can catch up. I'm not safe to drive this tired so you need to be sober in case DD needs to go back in or I go into labour."

I hate it when DH does the I know I shouldn't go out but I'm going to push you to say one way or the other thing. He wants to either gets his own way with my blessing or to cast me as the bad wife who doesn't let him off the leash.

cstaff · 16/02/2019 13:55

Oh tell him to grow a set and tell his mate that he will see him whenever. Family first.

C0untDucku1a · 16/02/2019 13:58

Yeah your dp is bu. Wkndering what crap he is going to say to get you to be the martyr here tonight.

DarlingNikita · 16/02/2019 14:00

He sounds like a total wet lettuce who sounds more bothered about pissing off his friend than supporting his family

I agree. He needs to grow up and stay at home to give you a break and support his daughter. I'd tell him this. He just wants you to say 'Oh, it's fine, go ahead.' I'd set him very firmly straight on that, OP.

C0untDucku1a · 16/02/2019 14:02

I DKNT think he is a wet lettuce at all. He is trying to manipulate op into letting him takd bo responsibility for his dd.

AmIRightOrAMeringue · 16/02/2019 14:17

His friend may or not be being unreasonable depending on what your husband has told him. I wouldn't immediately think family member with broken wrist = night out cancelled. However in these circumstances he absolutely needs to stay at home, it's so unfair to think he can go out and have a great time while you spend the third night in a row up looking after a sick child. How could he even ask. Given the weekend you've all just had how is what to say to his friend even featuring on his radar. How about tell him the truth? To be honest I'd be hurt that he doesn't want to take his turn - it sounds like he will if you ask but you shouldn't have to, fundamentally he should want you to have a rest and take his turn looking after your daughter, more than he should want to go out with his friend. If my friend couldn't understand that I wouldn't give a shit about upsetting them

notacooldad · 16/02/2019 14:20

That’s when he said he’d have to think of an excuse not to go then said the friend was getting pissy that he wasn’t going out
Tell him to grow the fuck up.

Jux · 16/02/2019 14:21

Telll him to grow up. He has responsibilities now, and this is onee time when he needs t be at home.

He can go out on the piss another time if he still wants to be a teenager.

TaimaandRanyasBestFriend · 16/02/2019 14:22

Oh, fuck him off, OP! What an arsehole. He wants to go get pissed rather than pull his weight with his child. 'Oh, my friend's getting pissy I'm not going out to get wankered!' 'Waaa! What a douche! You have a child who's just had an operation and I'm pregnant and haven't slept, so tonight you'll need to be on to sleep in her room and get up to give her meds. There's your excuse for your twat mate.'

The end.

Cozy takeaways and chocolate and mental notes, my arse. You've been up for 2 nights in a row and your child still needs help at night. He's her dad. That's what parents do.

AcrossthePond55 · 16/02/2019 14:31

That’s when he said he’d have to think of an excuse not to go

"Why would you need an 'excuse', darling? Your DD is ill and your wife is exhausted. That's a reason, not an 'excuse'!"

then said the friend was getting pissy that he wasn’t going out.

"Well, I wouldn't expect any different from him. After all, he's not a husband and a father. He can't possibly understand that a man would want to stay home to take care of his family"

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