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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To ask to take my food to a dinner party?

44 replies

Somethingsosimple · 16/02/2019 09:53

I’m in my 40’s and have a nut allergy all my life and intolerance to a few other foods too. I’m scared of eating out so don’t apart from eating at close family who I trust. I’ve been invited to a dinner party. I usually take me own food to weddings etc but wondered if you would find it strange if I did this at your house? I have epipens but still find eating out to worrying

OP posts:

Merryoldgoat · 16/02/2019 09:56

I’d have no issue if you did this as I don’t keep a nut-free house.

ThreeAnkleBiters · 16/02/2019 09:58

I'd have no issue at all and would be relieved as I have no experience of preparing food for someone with a serious allergy and would be terrified of screwing up.

MatildaTheCat · 16/02/2019 09:58

If you check with the host first I’m sure it will be fine.

It’s maybe slightly annoying if they’ve catered and cooked for you then you don’t eat it.

Nodrama999 · 16/02/2019 09:58

I would be relieved if you offered to bring your own. I’d be so stressed at trying to make sure everything was nut free

LL83 · 16/02/2019 09:58

If I invite someone to dinner it's to enjoy their company if they wanted to bring their own food for any reason I wouldn't mind, especially something as serious as allergies.

Less pressure for the host than checking ingredients carefully.

Jessbow · 16/02/2019 10:00

I'd appreciate if you'd mention it though.

Sirzy · 16/02/2019 10:01

As long as you talk to them now and let them know, and don’t expect to take over the kitchen preparing things (which I am sure you don’t!) I don’t see why it would be an issue. More likely to be a relief to the host

NWQM · 16/02/2019 10:02

Well yes, it would seem strange but I wouldn’t be upset by it if that’s what you mean. I’d be inviting you for your company. For me I’d want you to feel comfortable and - in all honesty it would be easier than me fretting about what is okay or isn’t ok the menu. Your hosts should understand and accomodating.

ImFreeToDoWhatIWant · 16/02/2019 10:02

I'd be happy for you to bring your own food but as above, I'd have to make your aware that our home wasn't nut free and that therefore depending on the severity of your allergy there might be a risk of cross contamination or airborne contamination. For instance my kids often have crunchy nut cornflakes as an afternoon snack or some kind of trail bar. I'd happily stop them eating nuts for 24hrs before you came and clean & wipe all surfaces etc, but I simply wouldn't be able to guarantee absolutely zero risk of any type whatsoever.

LilaJude · 16/02/2019 10:04

As long as you told me in advance I would be absolutely fine about this. Just explain it’s a serious allergy and you’re used to managing it yourself. I would probably be relieved because my house isn’t nut free and cross contamination could easily occur.

SimplyPut · 16/02/2019 10:06

I wouldn't blink if you told me in advance.

MrsMcW · 16/02/2019 10:10

I'm going to go against the grain and say I'd be pretty insulted if someone brought their own food. If I invite someone to my home who has an allergy or other specific dietary request, then I'd absolutely expect to make food which catered to that allergy. However I love to cook and to host, so it's really down to how well you know your host and how you think he/she would react.

sashh · 16/02/2019 10:12

I love cooking for people and enjoy working around food issues so I'd be slightly disappointed you didn't trust me but I would totally understand.

I would also appreciate it if you told me beforehand about any allergies so I could take that into account eg I love the hummus and iranian bread from one take away but they both have leads of sesame seeds so if you were allergic to sesame I would not have either in the house for a few days and would take extra care to vacuum before you arrived.

trooth · 16/02/2019 10:13

Wouldn't find it strange at all - just let them know in advance about your allergy and that they don't need to cook for you & that you are also really looking forward to the evening.

lottiegarbanzo · 16/02/2019 10:15

Fine if you discuss in advance. I'd be really annoyed if I'd gone to great effort to cook for you and you swanned in with your own food.

WombOfHerOwn · 16/02/2019 10:18

Even if they had an allergy so severe they have to carry an epi-pen? I think that’s an odd attitude to take, your feelings of hurt as against their risk of a severe reaction and the consequences of that. I’d be more than happy for someone to bring their own food in that case.

ambereeree · 16/02/2019 10:20

I would be very relieved and pleased you brought your own as I would be too scared to cook for you! Just tell your friend in advance so they don't make too much.

JellySlice · 16/02/2019 10:23

I love feeding people and have friends and family members with various allergies, who trust me to cook for them. I understand about checking ingredients, cross-contamination etc.

That said, I want my guests to feel safe, comfortable and welcome in my home, so if bringing your own food helped you feel safe, comfortable and welcome, then absolutely go ahead and do so. But, please, please, explain beforehand. Firstly to avoid any offence (after all, had you explained beforehand, I might have been able to put your mind at rest) and, secondly, so that I can take appropriate steps such as opening a fresh bag of sugar for the tea, or a fresh bottle of water or carton of juice (peanut butter-eating teens do swig straight from bottles ). Naturally, I would not make a fuss about it.

JellySlice · 16/02/2019 10:24

Actually a third reason to talk beforehand - your host might have restrictions, too! I don't have shellfish in my home, for example.

Sukochicha · 16/02/2019 10:25

I’d probably be a bit relieved TBH - it’s too easy to use an ingredient In that has nuts or nut oil.

Sukochicha · 16/02/2019 10:25

I’d def want to know in advance though, rather than you just pitch up with a box of your own food

bridgetreilly · 16/02/2019 10:26

If I were the host, my preference would be for a conversation in which you at least gave me the chance to offer to cook appropriately for you and reassure you that I know what I'm doing, but if you explained that it makes you feel anxious, of course it would be fine for you to bring your own food. As allergies go, nut allergies are pretty easy to cater for, if you cook from ingredients rather than processed foods, and I'm pretty used to checking what's in everything I make.

WhentheRabbitsWentWild · 16/02/2019 10:27

Wouldn't be a problem to me at all OP

I would probably just like to be told about it prior to the dinner party though so I wouldn't include you in cooking . Also, as Sukochicha said, would be a relief to me too.

Chewbecca · 16/02/2019 10:27

I love to cook and happily cook for friends with intolerances, preferences AND severe allergies. I know that when invite them & I would expect to cook for you tbh and probably will already have carefully planned a menu around the issues.

I would recommend speaking to the host and judging from there. Offer to bring your own and see how they react. If it is a ‘oh, are you sure, I was worrying about it’ - accept. If it were me, I would say ‘oh, you really don’t need to, I have already planned and double checked all my ingredients, there will be no nuts in the entire menu’ - up to you then whether you want to accept or not.

Sinead100 · 16/02/2019 10:27

MrsMcW I also love to cook and host, but would I be offended?! No, I'd feel grateful to have a friend who takes potentially life saving precautions!

OP, YANBU at all. Thanks for being a sensible citizen of the world.

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