To ask to take my food to a dinner party?

[Somethingsosimple]

I’m in my 40’s and have a nut allergy all my life and intolerance to a few other foods too. I’m scared of eating out so don’t apart from eating at close family who I trust. I’ve been invited to a dinner party. I usually take me own food to weddings etc but wondered if you would find it strange if I did this at your house? I have epipens but still find eating out to worrying

I would find it strange but if I liked you enough to invite you to my house I’d agree to it and do my best to be a good host.

But you definitely need to let your hosts know well in advance. I would be annoyed if I had gone to the trouble of preparing an allergen free meal for someone and then they didn’t eat it. I would also be irritated if they were bumbling about the kitchen heating things up and getting under my feet as I cooked for other people (but I would bite my tongue and be polite).

I guess if your allergies are bad you have to do this in order to have a social life so any irritation I might feel are much less important than you having a good time and keeping safe.

Tbh I'd be relieved!

Id love to have your company and that's why I'd invited you. I'd also be happy to cover costs for the food. But if someone could keep themselves well better than me I'd be grateful not to have the responsibility.

And I say that as someone who has food intolerances!

I might be a bit offended to begin with but if you explained to me all the risks of cross contamination, how important it is that you are nowhere near anything that even has a whiff of nuts I'd be relieved and probably have a chat with you about that a nightmare it is for you eating out.

DH and I have just been filling out the form for his alumni dinner - we were seriously impressed that the list of allergies catered for went on for about 2 pages and even they included the option of 'bringing own food'. So I think what you are suggesting is going to be completely normal in the not too distant future.

Btw I'd also make sure my food was free of your allergens too to avoid cross contamination.

I wouldn't find it strange, in fact I would be relieved as I don't usually cook for anyone with allergies, so I'd be afraid of messing it up or cross contamination. But tell them well in advance (like when you receive the invitation) so they don't go to any trouble preparing food or recipes that you won't be eating.

I second speaking to your hosts first in case they have restrictions too; you wouldn't want to rock up with something that caused them issues.

I wouldn't be offended if you told me in advance - and I'd still make a point of ensuring the others' meals (and my kitchen, bathroom toiletries, room scents, etc) were nut free as I wouldn't fancy the prospect of killing you off with the almond bathroom cleaning spray or the OH eating a cereal bar with the things in for lunch.

Absolutely fine if mentioned in advance. If we’re going to friends with our veggie daughter and her fiancé included, then we’ll often offer to bring a vegetarian option.

Er jellyslice are you saying you would serve orange juice that your teenagers have swigged straight from the bottle to your guests normally then? That’s grim.

Reminds me not to accept orange juice when at a dinner party if that’s considerwd acceptable

I think if you phoned and explained it would be received just fine by most people, but please give plenty of notice. If the dinner party is tonight then it’s short notice and I’d be a bit pissed off, as I would have already done the shopping etc.

None of us including my teens ever drink straight from the bottle. That's dreadful.

No, I don't think it's acceptable that anyone swig from a shared bottle. But I know that it does happen, even if I haven't seen it happen. Nobody is ever perfectly behaved all of the time, especially not teens.

If I knew that a guest had an allergy, then I would make certain only to use unopened bottles. Just like I would open a fresh jar of jam, to ensure that no buttery/peanuty/breadcrumby knife has been dipped in it.

I have a friend who is allergic to lots of things. When she comes, I try to cook something she can eat as the basis for the meal, but she always brings her own milk, bread, and, for example, if we barbecue she'll bring her own sausages. I'm fine with that, it saves me money buying special foods that we wouldn't normally eat, and I know she won't go hungry because I've made something she can't have.

I would be relieved if you did this. I would be terrified of getting it wrong. Allergies are a minefield, particularly when you have little experience. I tend to find that nuts or other allergens can appear in products that you would not necessarily have thought they'd be in.

I remember once asking a child with a gluten allergy over for a playdate and offering raisins. The mum asked which brand they were, as apparently some raisins can be covered in a coating that stops them sticking together. This would trigger her child's allergy. I never would have thought of that .

@Somethingsosimple

Can I ask is it just a nut allergy or is there any other allergies?

So if I was a guest to someones home (I am a fussy eater) and they were taking time to prepare a lovely meal for everyone, I would speak to them beforehand and tell them about my allergies. I would even go to the extreme that even have nuts in the house may affect you! It really depends what your host is cooking? Speak to them and find out and just ask them to not use nuts in the meal or any ingredients that contain nuts. I am sure with a bit of notice the host can make sure they meet your needs. It would be the same if someone was gluten free or veggie or vegan and the would have the opportunity to tell you or that person if they can cater to your needs or not.

If I was a host and you spoke to me about this and I assured you that I could make a meal that would not have any ingredients in it you did not want or would affect your allergy and then you still insisted that you come with your own food then I would find this a bit rude as I would think well you obviously do not trust my cooking. I would probably not say no to you though I would say yes and grin and bear it.

Even at weddings the venue (if its a hotel) would normally always ask for dietary and allergy information on invitations and would accommodate people with those allergies. I can understand your very anxious about this but even if you take your own food then speak to her first and make sure she can accommodate you to heat up this food.

If I was a host and you spoke to me about this and I assured you that I could make a meal that would not have any ingredients in it you did not want or would affect your allergy and then you still insisted that you come with your own food then I would find this a bit rude as I would think well you obviously do not trust my cooking.

I know how careful I was with my dc, whose reactions to trigger foods only affected their quality of life. If someone has life-threatening reactions to trigger foods, I cannot blame them in the least for doing their best to protect themselves.

Why should a vulnerable person have to trust someone else with their life in order not to be 'rude'?

If you ask what she is planning to cook, you could make your own nut-free version, and it'll be less awkward than if you're eating something completely different.

I have some allergies connected to food. People don't understand how scary it is to eat away from home. It depends on the level of the allergy. Mine is bad and cross-contamination is a real threat to me and even I make mistakes sometimes.
Others don't understand how long it takes to recover from a contamination or how much damage it does to the body internally.
I have had a guest who has a completely different allergy to mine. This person carried epi pens. I found it scary in case I got anything wrong. I did not know how to use an epipen but I would have used it while on the phone to 999 Ambulance,
Allergies are scary and life threatening and need to be taken seriously