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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

to think my parents are the most technically-useless out there?

274 replies

SileneOliveira · 16/02/2019 09:23

My parents are mid-70s. Both had professional careers where they didn't have to use computers before they retired 15 or so years ago. (Primary teaching and dentistry). They are totally and utterly incompetent with anything technological.

I had a phone call at 11.59pm last night from Dad's mobile. (An old Motorola brick). Nobody spoke when I answered. So the obvious conclusion is that something is terribly wrong. Called back on the landline, a very grumpy Mum answered. She had no idea what was going on and why had I got her out of her bed? Fuck me, if you can't even "drive" a basic Motorola flip phone you've got problems and why are you tawtting about with it at midnight anyway?

They also think I'm being incredibly unreasonable in asking them to take their mobile when I collect them from the airport. As the airport has no free drop-off zone I've asked them to call me when they're physically walking out of hte airport so I can scoot into the 10 minutes for £2 zone and get them. This is apparently unreasonable as I can phone the airport and find out when the plane landed and make a guess as to how long it will take them to clear passport control and get their luggage. (If it wasn't a late night flight I'd be telling them to get the bus).

I have never sent or received a text from my parents. The would think Siri was a new Lebanese restaurant.

When I read about people's parents facetiming them, or a family WhatsApp group my face is like this Shock. It's so very alien to me.

Anyome else got parents like this???

OP posts:
Grace212 · 16/02/2019 22:17

Claire I think there's quite a few posters on the Elderly Parent board who have parents who could use technology but don't and when you are expecting your DC to help you without bothering to help yourself, that is unfair.

I have sympathy for those who can't use tech, or feel they can't learn, and I accept there's many many reasons for this. But those who won't are a different kettle of fish.

I am surprised to read so many stories of people being expected to collect family from airport and family won't even text them! I don't travel but I see one poster talking about £1 a minute airport parking - if someone can't be arsed to text, they can pay the parking bill!

Maelstrop · 16/02/2019 22:22

There also seems to be high levels of anxiety over nothing. Not sure I would have responded in that way to a missed call from parents at midnight

Really? Cos I’d shit myself if they-if anyone-phoned at midnight.

I gave my parents a Nokia 3310 many years ago so they could contact me when on their way to me. It normally takes 4.5 hours. 7 hours plus and I was very worried. They arrived, told me they’d decided to stop off to do a wander round somewhere, never having done that before and the phone was in the glove box. Switched off. It amazes me, dad used to travel the country teaching companies to do complicated software packages, yet he still can’t text. Mother can’t even turn on the computer.

Grace212 · 16/02/2019 22:41

I'm also surprised by the posters who wouldn't freak at a midnight call from parents.

Every oddly timed call I've had from mine has been because they've been blue lighted to hospital! If it was a friend I might think they were hammered and calling to say "I luffsshhh you" but parents - no.

FrozenMargarita17 · 16/02/2019 22:54

Not my mum or dad but I once had to spend a very long time at work deleting 3000 photos of the inside of my manager's handbag because she had no idea it had a lock button.

username79999 · 16/02/2019 22:55

My mum drives me mad never replies to her texts until 4am the next morning , when I told her that her texts wake me up I'm unreasonable.
She occasionally sends messages via Facebook messenger but does not know how to reply so if I've told her not to use .

JaceLancs · 16/02/2019 22:57

DM is 79 and DF 93
She has dementia but could previously text email or use mobile
DF no interest and due to recent stroke now has no cognitive ability to do so
DF in nursing home
DM currently in hospital
Logistics of trying to help them communicate with each other via face time or Skype or even phone is causing me n DB lots of stress
I don’t have an answer

BlitheringIdiots · 16/02/2019 22:59

My parents are the opposite. Very clued up on tech. Have iPads etc. 71 years old.

MillieMoodle · 16/02/2019 23:01

She doesn't like to give the password out when people are visiting either,

That's perfectly sensible

I meant to other family members who are visiting i.e. staying at their house. If we have friends/relatives staying we let them use our wifi.

ithinkmycatistryingtokillme · 16/02/2019 23:12

My df drives me round the bend with his inability to use his phone, this is a man whose teachers wanted him to appky to cambridge to study maths and who was a computer programmer from the sixties until he retired!

ithinkmycatistryingtokillme · 16/02/2019 23:14

Maelstrop your dparents sound very like my df and stepmum

Graphista · 17/02/2019 00:51

"It's not age, it's mindset" I've actually come on thread to say I've an 18 year old DAUGHTER like this!

I'm trying currently to get her to use a shared calendar app - it's taken 4 days to get her to download it! She has an all singing all dancing phone but asks me to google things and sometimes order online shopping if the website isn't VERY user friendly. I've lost count of how often she's said her tablets broken when she's just swiped to a page where no app icons are there, even Netflix took a few days for her to "get".

She much prefers using pen & paper (but then loses the notes) it's murder!

My mother - in her 70's, was first in family to get an iPhone & tablet, uses them for EVERYTHING and always sending tips & shortcuts to use them - despairs of her as we all get frequent blank texts & pocket calls!!

It's like she's a Victorian in an 18 year olds body! Drives her friends nuts too! Bff calls her a time traveller on occasion as it really is like teaching someone from another century!

My mum was in retail admin most of her working life and only retired a few years ago, what some may not be aware of is that the retail industry were quite early adopters of IT earlier than even some other admin areas (don't get me started on banking!) so she's been using "computers" in some form for almost 60 years! (A fact she and I've had some people try and tell us isn't possible as "computers weren't around then" yes they were just home computers weren't).

My dad though was army and in a "tradesman" type role so didn't really have admin at all until he reached a certain rank and then had to start doing appraisals reports which was really just basic word processing and he struggled even with that. He could literally build you a home in a forest with a latrine, shower etc from only stuff found in nature so not daft or impractical by any means, but the number of times I've had pocket calls at 2/3/4am (actually him having fell asleep with the mobile in his bed), he's amazed that I can find and have delivered to him obscure books on his trade, army & regiment history, retro sweets he's mentioned in conversation the next day, that I can just click a few buttons and view my monthly bank statements...

Although mum has to deny she does online banking as he's paranoid about them getting hacked and robbed and while he's not completely wrong of course I think he thinks it's a lot easier than it is.

Part of it is also that he's very ill and some of his meds mess with memory formation and generally just make him a bit foggy and out of it.

But dd - seriously I have no explanation for that, an 18 yr old who isn't a fan of/can't do tech. No ld or anything by the way just a very old soul.

"My 70-something parents spend their days trolling politicians and their supporters on Twitter." I kinda love that 😂

"I think he's reached a point where he just can't be bothered with it all" I think at 93 he's earned the right to decide that tbf he's about the age my grandparents would be and if you think how utterly HUGE the changes from the 1920's (when not even all houses had a radio!) to now (where we're almost at driverless cars being no longer sci fi realms) have been it's understandable he feels he's done his bit

Gets harder to learn new stuff as we get older too.

Silverysurfer - I'm only 46 but my first degree and admin job both it was using a typewriter rather than computer as while computers were around they were still quite expensive (first admin job was very small family firm they wouldn't have felt they could justify the expense at that point) this was late 80's/early 90's.

I do think people forget just how crazy fast it's all gone in the last 20 odd years.

"Grandmother also won't use an ATM. She insists on cash back at the supermarkets That's understandable. People tend to become more risk averse as they get older, and the problems with "skimming" at ATMs are well publicised" unfortunately cash back at supermarkets is also open to fraud with duplicate transactions.

And our attitudes are not a new phenomenon either when my gran put a telly in my great grans bedroom (very sick lady, bed ridden) great gran was very wary but seemed to enjoy, once when hoovering though it was bumped and poor great gran apparently basically ducked and covered - she was sure it was going to explode! This became an "amusing family anecdote" but the poor woman must have been genuinely terrified! It seemed to have been forgotten that this then 80 odd year old lady was in her 20's before she lived in a property with electricity!

Witchend - Re hoax stuff I've an aunt & uncle who are siblings the uncle keeps posting that crap - and tags the whole family every time - and the aunt is CONSTANTLY getting irritated and posting the snopes and other links showing its a hoax in response, every few months she gets really fed up and posts a total rant on the latest post and he's like "but it MIGHT be true and then I've warned you" and the whole thing plays out on the post but they then end up arguing about stuff happened 50 years ago like him borrowing her records or her dobbing him in for ditching school to my grandparents - it sounds bad but it's actually hilarious and they always make up.

As per pps comments there is a serious side to this too though, people who've never had to use a computer of any kind suddenly having to try and get to grips with them in their late 50's plus in order to access things they need.

I've 2 uncles who've always worked in construction and not even skilled work at that, one I suspect may have ld, certainly he struggles every with literacy, they're both starting to feel their age physically and worried sick as they can't continue until state pension age in their current roles but neither feels at all confident in even APPLYING for non-manual jobs - neither has even formally applied for a job in decades! Let alone if they have to apply for benefits, I think they'd really struggle with UC requirements, the family would of course rally round as much as possible but those that live near them also work full time and have families etc so they'll help as much as possible but they can't sit with them all day 5 days a week to walk them through online job searches and online applications! It's just not feasible.

And I despair at whichever thoughtless twits think that it should be ONLY online applications for things like oap bus passes!

My aunt has poor eyesight and I know when she got her iPhone I helped her set it up so the text and icons were much bigger for her to see, I can't remember how now, but I vaguely remember we contacted maybe rnib for advice? Quick look on my phone now and it's easy enough to increase size of lettering for texts etc but I cannot remember how I did it for the icons etc.

I'm only 46 myself and hearing regularly tested yet I struggle to hear people on the phone sometimes and the volume is at max - that's absolutely something the phone companies could improve there just isn't the will.

"Also remember things like a decent smartphone are not cheap. If you are on a state pension, no wonder people not used to using one would prioritise other expenditure." I get your point but it's not true for all pensioners many are comfortably off if not wealthy.

Plus contracts are getting cheaper all the time. (Here's where I get flamed) I'm on benefits and have an iPhone - not the latest model and wasn't even when I got it, that was partly cost but also preference as I don't like the very big phones. I have small hands and a smaller phone is more comfortable to hold and use. It was to replace the phone I had previous which was also an iPhone but 2nd hand from a trusted friend and I had that almost 5 years, it was still in good condition hardware wise but I could no longer update the software so it became unusable. I've now had this one just over 2 years which was the terms of the contract so I'm now only paying for the "airtime" (and yes I know that ages me but I don't know what else to call it) and to be quite honest I get heartily sick of the criticism of those of us on benefits who have such tech yet even the govt expects everyone to have Internet and the ability to access and use their web pages! My health also has me housebound at the moment and I have no support for various reasons so I'm pretty dependent on online services for many things (dd works full time has a disability herself which knackers her and only recently turned 18 - SO many things can't be bought/done by someone under 18)

I also look after my stuff! Good sturdy phone case, screen protector & wrist strap which I use - another bone of contention with dd.

Wanderings - I also agree there's a SHITLOAD of stuff in products now that nobody bloody uses! There's over 20 programmes on my washing machine ffs! Totally unnecessary! How many of the built in apps on phones and tablets are ones most people will NEVER use! Why is there apps for stocks & shares? An additional way to get to contacts than the green receiver most use? Or a compass? Total nonsense!

And yes! To being annoyed by the CONSTANT updates of apps and operating Systems UNNECESSARILY! I'm one of I suspect quite a few sainsburys customers with a visa debit card that's been unable to use the site or the app since an update that seemed PURELY to piss about with fancy graphics (spinning pumpkin for Halloween) and now almost 5 month later they STILL haven't managed to fix it - they must have lost a lot of custom/ers as a result and several call handlers have admitted even they're getting fed up with the additional pressure on the phone lines (some are calling through whole orders, others like me have found they can fill the trolley online just not pay for it! So have to sort the payment over the phones). It's a ridiculous situation.

"Just because people in their 40s and 50s have enthusiastically embraced computers and smartphones, that doesn't necessarily mean you will continue embracing all new advances in your 60s or 70s." True but another thing that seems forgotten is that those of us of this age were the generation that were teens/twenties when home computers became popular, it was our era so we're familiar with it/them in a way generations either side aren't.

"FIL turns off the internet at night 'to stop people sitting outside in cars stealing it all'." He's not completely wrong, certainly when wifi first came in there were lots of problems with piggybacking causing high usage bills and hacking.

clairemcnam · 17/02/2019 01:06

Yes I don't understand why phone companies don't make it easier to hear calls. I am 57, on hearing tests I get 100%. But I struggle to hear conversations on a mobile phone. I can if I really concentrate and ask for some bits to be repeated, but this is only really okay for very short calls.
I didn't know that you could increase icons on phones.

OffWithThePixies · 17/02/2019 01:34

🤣 oh honey, I promise I’ve got worse.

DF is 63. I brought him a Kindle... actually I’ve brought him five because 1 he left on the plane, three he sat on (he keeps putting them in his back jeans pocket and he’s got a bony arse), and the last he dropped in the bath. I have to get them all delivered to mine to set them up, then post them 12,000 miles to his place on the other side of the world. I learnt this after the first one sat in a book for seven months waiting for one of my siblings to set it up for him. until he flew to the U.K. to visit me and brought it with him. He can’t use amazon or the kindle store, so he goes into the local bookstore, writes down his wish list of books on his notebook, and goes home to call my sister... to ask her to send me a text message to call him. No, he doesn’t have a mobile either. He said if he wants to talk to people, he’d be at home to answer it. I brought him four mobiles, but gave up when I saw my stepmoms nieces carrying them as she passed them on to her. I then order his kindle books to download on his device.

Bravely / stupidly I brought him an iPad next. That sat in a box for almost a year until I flew home for a visit. I set that up too. I should mention that two of my siblings are in IT. The last time it needed an update, I got a Facebook message (BTW he calls it his ‘Facebookie’) from my step mum asking me to call DF urgently I sent two hours on the phone with him as it supposedly wouldn’t recognise his Apple ID. I could log into it here, he couldn’t log into it there. I talked him through resetting the WiFi, through factory setting his iPad, etc I almost cried. Password was correct, he didn’t know his email address 🤦🏼‍♀️

As for email, he’s not realised that you can type an email address into the To field.. His office administrator was a saint, and definitely earned her retirement. My SIL took up the position, and we think she got pregnant just to avoid a permanent sentence of misery as DFs office admin. They’ve been reliably churning out kids.. four in three years 😁

As for his ‘Facebookie’, it took 4 days before he insulted all his daughters (said jokingly) by liking every dodgy scantily dressed female photo my brothers shared... I had to go back in and change his settings as he didn’t realise everyone could see what he was up to.

Meanwhile two of my great aunts aged 87 and 92 are facebooking, WhatsApping and tweeting away merrily.

Bless, he’s technologically incompetent but I love my Dad 😁

PrismGuile · 17/02/2019 01:56

I mean I work with women in their 50s who use computers everyday but have to ask me how to compress a PDF every single time or forget that images for webpages need to be converted to JPEGs or don't understand why some things send as Drive links and make me do things all over again because they can't do it for themselves.

Most adults over 40 aren't terribly computer literate unless they work in a tech industry so I wouldn't get too annoyed at your parents. I can see that it must seem huge and insurmountable to have to learn to use technology that you lasted perfectly well without for most of your life.

My kids are going to have to show me 300x how to use the teleport or the holograph phone GrinGrin

PrismGuile · 17/02/2019 02:12

@Boyskeepswinging your colleague is an idiot then. I'm 23 and have never owned a satnav. Sometimes I'll use google maps on my phone if I'm driving far from my area (an hour+) but usually I don't.

She's representing our generation badly. I was taught to use paper maps in school also. We're not stupid tech-heads who can't walk up a hill.

NatureIs · 17/02/2019 02:48

I know an older person who refuses to have their TV re-tuned even though it reminds them all the time. They've lost stations they used to watch and I know they would like some of the new channels they're missing. They're too scared the couple of channels they watch will move and be on different numbers. They don't use the guide, they don't scroll to see what other channels there are. What can you do?!
They say they want the internet! Confused

TooManyPaws · 17/02/2019 03:22

TooManyPaws How do you manage to use a touchscreen ipad? Unless your arthritis is not too bad?

I use a gentle touch and pressure with the tips of my fingers, like everyone else. It's much gentler on my finger joints than a keyboard and mouse. I don't even have to move more than one finger or possibly just my wrist.

I have a touch pad at work that I can change my mouse for if I need to because my fingers and elbows hurt; it only cost them around £20. I also have wrist rests for both the keyboard and mouse, as well as supportive gloves and joint supports when necessary. I do all my home computing on a touchscreen though I am thinking of a Bluetooth keyboard for editing the community newsletter.

I wouldn't use an iPad though - I really don't like Apple products. I get on much better with Android.

Kirstie92 · 17/02/2019 04:30

I'm 38, my pensioner parents age 70 and 73 are exactly the same as yours. My dad is just pure clueless with technology, like he has absolute zero interest in any technology, whilst my mum takes some interest so she knows the minimum of just to enjoy it.

My dad is SO slow with learning his way around things. Like SO annoyingly SLOW SLOW SLOW.

And yet when I hear things like "they tought you how to use a spoon ffs".
Well my response to is - "its a fucking good job they had kids then ain't it?!?

Actually, I'm finding that the older I get the more I'm losing track of staying up to date with technology. When I was a teenager i picked up things no problem at all, but now? There's a 28y/o work colleague at work and she is such a wiz on the computer, it makes me feel like I'm clueless about such things.

When I was 14-19 everything seemed so easy. But now, age 38, with two children later and with a 3rd on the way, and having come from what I think was the first proper generation of internet social media age group to use the internet before fast broadband was heard of...

My parents live a 30 minute drive from me. I love them to bits. And honestly the older I've got recently the more I'm realising how shit ageing is. I've got 16 and 12 y/o daughters who quite often make me feel super old fashioned with technology, like how on earth did they know more about this stuff more than me.

Cornishclio · 17/02/2019 05:34

My mum is mid 80s. She uses mobile phone and texts and what's apps on it all the time. She has an iPad and uses Facebook and plays word with friends with me which is like online scrabble. She orders shopping online and does her banking on a laptop. She panics a bit when things don't happen as she expects them to. I bought her a new laptop at Christmas as her old one kept dropping out from the internet due to being so old and she needed me to help her set it up exactly the same as her old one but apart from that she is great. Stepdad has dementia and can't cope with technology.

You can only encourage your DPs to use the latest technology and say it will make life more convenient for them. If they won't use a mobile phone to let you know when they are ready to be picked up I would be giving them a lot of time to get out of arrivals so you are not waiting around and eventually they may find it is better to get a phone. Or let them catch a taxi.

Raisinbrain · 17/02/2019 05:42

My dad's been messing about with computers since long before I was born. He helps me with technology!

Rememory · 17/02/2019 08:04

My Dads in his late 80's and uses messenger. We get photos of his feet every now and again and his spelling shows how much school he bunked off but worth it. It's so helpful that he's on there.

bibbitybobbityyhat · 17/02/2019 08:15

Offwiththepixies - you bought your Dad 5 kindles, 4 mobile phones and an i-pad! Why?? he obviously doesn't want them.

Roominmyhouse · 17/02/2019 08:47

My parents are in their 70’s and both have iPhones and liPads. In fact my dad usually has a more up to date version than anyone else! They both use Facebook, WhatsApp etc quite happily. They just embraced technology when it came long, as have most of their friends. I’d agree with previous posters that for a lot of their generation it’s a choice not to use technology, rather than it being beyond them.

SauvingnonBlanketyBlanc · 17/02/2019 09:01

Weirdly my dad has got much better at technology as he's gotten older.In his 40s n 50s he was rubbish,he's now heading to 70 and can do pretty advanced stuff 🤷‍♀️

Gumbo · 17/02/2019 09:07

My mother loves the idea of technology, and rushes out to buy now gadgets whenever possible. Unfortunately she is utterly useless at understanding even the simplest of pieces of technology:

  • she bought a digital camera and literally couldn't grasp how to work it. I spent hours with her, and each time she announced that she now understood...and each time I visited the camera would be gathering dust as she 'didn't quite know how to use it' just push the fucking button and take a picture!
  • she got a dvd player to watch movies on it but even after I'd set it up for her she couldn't work it out. So I wrote instructions. Still, no joy. So I wrote some more, this time with pictures. Nope. I then put masking tape over all the buttons on the remote control that she didn't need to worry about (ie. most of them) so that she couldn't press the wrong thing, but she still couldn't do it. It's been 5 years, and when I visit now I put a dvd on when I leave...I suspect she gets someone else to change it back to the TV once it's finished.
  • she has never sent or read a text as she doesn't understand how to (despite being shown how a gazillion times). She's also never grasped voicemail so I can't leave her a message
She has never understood email, the Internet or computers, and never will.

Oddly, her own mother really embraced technology and was the first person I knew who owned (and knew how to use)a microwave!