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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask about getting married in secret?

36 replies

Frogzlegz · 16/02/2019 08:02

Massive backstory with my family, we don’t get on well anymore and relationship has nose dived over past year. Get on well with DP family but there’s only four of them (parents, brother and his wife)

Me and DP have been together 7 years, living together 5. We have a young baby and trying for a second. Both in our mid-late 30s. We have bought a house together and currently doing it up (slowly lol)

I always thought I’d have some sort of “wedding” but something small. With a cake and a party and a dress and family and music and drinks and dancing. But now I realise this won’t happen with my family. My mum would cause me a lot of heartache. And drama. And there’s recently been a family breakup so I couldn’t invite one person if I invited the ex etc. My DP has never wanted a big wedding, he hates fuss (and spending unnecessary money on one day lol). His family will probably be ok with it, but we plan to run the idea past them this weekend hypothetically and see what they say.

So, we plan to give notice at our local registry office this week and get married 28 days after that. Just me, DP and DC. Just get up, put on some smart clothes, go and get married, get some food somewhere if the baby isn’t screaming and come home. Might ask my best friend and her husband to be witnesses if they are off work.
I want a marriage and the wedding is just one day. But will I regret it? Will it be anti-climatic? How can we make it special? We have already booked a few nights away and it’s less than 28 days away so can’t have that as a “honeymoon” and we can’t afford another holiday, so that’s not an option.

Has anyone done this? Is it shit? Is there anything I’m not thinking of?

OP posts:
waffilyversati1e · 16/02/2019 08:05

If I was doing it again I would go SMALL. Could you not just invite your friends and his family?

ScafellPoke · 16/02/2019 08:05

We did this. We needed witnesses so two maintance guys who worked at the registry office came in. They were happy to take a few photos too. So remember a camera!
We had our 1tr old and 5yr old with us too and was perfect... I wore jeans and a jumper, dh jeans and a shirt. We went for a nice lunch afterward x

Pinkprincess1978 · 16/02/2019 08:08

You are right the marriage is more important. The only change I would make is having dps family as the witness rather than friends. You can then all go out for lunch and/or maybe back to yours for a class of fizz and cake.

Original poster
Frogzlegz · 16/02/2019 08:09

waffily I wouldn’t want to invite one set of parents and not the other. I think nobody at all is better, there’s no coming back from that.

OP posts:
Nanny0gg · 16/02/2019 08:10

Why can't you invite his family and your friends? Wear a pretty dress and book a meal for all of you after?
One of the guests could take informal photos.
And so what if your family find out? They'll know you got married without them whatever you do

PersonaNonGarter · 16/02/2019 08:11

Get married in a tiny ceremony.

Then have party and dress separately.

Nanny0gg · 16/02/2019 08:11

X post.

If your relationship dips further you'll regret giving them any consideration

Crockof · 16/02/2019 08:15

Don't run it past them. Do what you want, if you regret it a few years down the line you could have a blessing. All we ever wanted was a marriage so did the same many years ago. Interesting my parents were a bit upset as we had just been to a beautiful and super expensive wedding and they wanted something like that. The expensive wedding couple split up before they finished paying for the wedding

EthelFechan · 16/02/2019 08:15

It seems unfair that your DP's family should miss watching their son get married when it's your family that's the problem.

PeterPiperPickedWrong · 16/02/2019 08:16

My sibling did this. Went off to Gretna with DC and two friends. Got married then had a meal afterwards and phoned everyone to tell them.
Much better than the drama they would have had with certain family members. 15 years on.....no regrets.

Parthenope · 16/02/2019 08:19

We did this, despite being very fond of our families, because neither of us wanted a wedding — no regrets at all. In the event it was rather romantic in a low-key way, and we took our witnesses for a fancy lunch afterwards. That was seven years ago and I’ve never had a second of wishing we’d done anything other than we did.

waffilyversati1e · 16/02/2019 08:20

It seems unfair that your DP's family should miss watching their son get married when it's your family that's the problem.

This!

Veronicat · 16/02/2019 08:20

We are doing this. We live in Scotland so can get married anywhere so when we go camping this summer we've asked a local celebrant to pop down and marry us by the river. Job done. I'm sure we can rustle up some witnesses on site.

LakieLady · 16/02/2019 08:21

I got married in secret, for similar reasons. I don't regret it, save for the fact that the hassle of doing otherwise might have prevented me from marrying the fucker at all and my life would have been all the better for that!

scrambledeggsandbeans · 16/02/2019 08:23

We did just before Christmas last year. We had a lovely lunch with our witnesses after. We loved it. Told the family a few days later dh's mum was a little put out but soon got over it. I wouldn't change a thing.

HeyArthur · 16/02/2019 08:24

We did it this way. Very happy with our choice. Neither wanted a big wedding because of the cost. We had both been married before and knew it's not about the wedding it's about the marriage. Been married 8 years and very happy.

Wildone16 · 16/02/2019 08:26

I did this a few weeks ago :) I had 2 school mum friends as witnesses, no friends or family from either side there and it was great, we all got dressed up - went for lunch afterwards then we told everyone that we got married and I’m so happy we did. And to make it more special we went to photography studio to get some family pics done - we have 0 regrets and like yourself wanted to get married (engaged 12 years & 2 dc later) just didn’t want the drama or criticism or hassle of a wedding

AlwaysCheddar · 16/02/2019 08:27

Couldn’t you get married on holiday instead, make it a bit more special?

Original poster
Frogzlegz · 16/02/2019 08:29

Interesting to hear the different views. I really don’t think DPs parents would feel they had missed out, but we are going to mention the idea (as something for in the future) and see what they say. If they would be upset then we would reconsider.

I think if we were going away somewhere and doing it, it would be a bit easier, but with it being so local we don’t have an “excuse” for not inviting people, or inviting some and not others.

OP posts:
WatchingFromTheWings · 16/02/2019 08:29

Go for it! I'd be tempted to just go with yourselves and the kids, grab 2 random strangers as witnesses then tell everyone when you get home. Pub meal with everyone later in the day. No one can say you were being unfair inviting one side and not the other.

greendale17 · 16/02/2019 08:29

It seems unfair that your DP's family should miss watching their son get married when it's your family that's the problem.

^I agree. Not fair at all

Omgineedanamechange · 16/02/2019 08:33

I’ve been married twice, didn’t have a single person I actually knew at either wedding. The first we had two randomers off the street as witnesses, the second was two hotel staff. No plans to either divorce or remarry, but if I did, then it would be the same.

Original poster
Frogzlegz · 16/02/2019 08:35

If we gave notice this week then we could potentially get married at the end of our holiday to Wales in four weeks, but it would be pushing it for the 28 days notice. And that’s assuming we could get an appointment to give notice on Wednesday (DPs only day off, I presume he needs to be there?!?) Or would we have to give notice in Wales where we would plan to get married on holiday? We can’t get there to do that.
And if we did that, I don’t know what we would do for witnesses, I know nobody who lives anywhere near, and it’s too far to ask friends to travel.

OP posts:
Parthenope · 16/02/2019 08:41

Assuming Wales works the same way as England, you give notice to marry in your own local register office, which then allows you to marry in any other one which has a free slot. Your issue may be being able to book a time at both ends of the arrangement. I know we got the first available ‘notice to marry’ appointment in our local office, and it was a fortnight after we phoned them. The actual office where we married was able to give us a cancellation with about two days’ notice, otherwise it would have been weeks and weeks for a free appointment.

Original poster
Frogzlegz · 16/02/2019 08:44

Thanks partenope tbh that way of doing it feels a bit too stressful already just thinking about it! And it’s unlikely I’d get the right dates at such short notice like you say. I’d rather have a chilled one at the local office. The whole point is too avoid stress

OP posts: