To ask about getting married in secret?

[Frogzlegz]

Massive backstory with my family, we don’t get on well anymore and relationship has nose dived over past year. Get on well with DP family but there’s only four of them (parents, brother and his wife)

Me and DP have been together 7 years, living together 5. We have a young baby and trying for a second. Both in our mid-late 30s. We have bought a house together and currently doing it up (slowly lol)

I always thought I’d have some sort of “wedding” but something small. With a cake and a party and a dress and family and music and drinks and dancing. But now I realise this won’t happen with my family. My mum would cause me a lot of heartache. And drama. And there’s recently been a family breakup so I couldn’t invite one person if I invited the ex etc. My DP has never wanted a big wedding, he hates fuss (and spending unnecessary money on one day lol). His family will probably be ok with it, but we plan to run the idea past them this weekend hypothetically and see what they say.

So, we plan to give notice at our local registry office this week and get married 28 days after that. Just me, DP and DC. Just get up, put on some smart clothes, go and get married, get some food somewhere if the baby isn’t screaming and come home. Might ask my best friend and her husband to be witnesses if they are off work.
I want a marriage and the wedding is just one day. But will I regret it? Will it be anti-climatic? How can we make it special? We have already booked a few nights away and it’s less than 28 days away so can’t have that as a “honeymoon” and we can’t afford another holiday, so that’s not an option.

Has anyone done this? Is it shit? Is there anything I’m not thinking of?

You don't need an excuse for inviting some and not others. It's your wedding so do it your way. I invited a load of family out of duty and they behaved like utter pigs - one aunt actually pushed a child out of the way at the sweet buffet so that she could continue filling the paper bags with goodies to stash in her handbag. eugh.

Sounds like a lovely little wedding day with you both and your kids. Take lots of pictures.

Don’t exclude the other side of the family because one side are behaving so badly though. But by exclude i don’t mean invite them if you don’t want them to come, I just mean let them know your thinking and what your plans are.

If you both would prefer your day to be just you and the kids (and/or your partner has genuine financial reasons for keeping it small that you agree with) then that is totally fine. So you can both then say to his family that while you are on a very low budget, even if you weren’t you also would like to keep it quiet and just have the day with you and the kids. Tell them Your best mates will be the witnesses so that is not a surprise.

Then everyone knows where they stand. (Rather than present them with a done deal when you are already married and them speculate about what really happened on the day which can be divisive)

Congratulations on your future marriage and have a lovely happy time whatever you do.

I think if you're going so low key as not to invite either set of parents don't even tell them, just gave the ceremony.

I knew someone who did this, and after a couple of years her mother said she assumed they must be married.

Yes, it is nice to have a dress and a cake, but it's just one day.

You can always have a party later if you want.

You could have the service at the registry office like you have outlined and then go out for a special meal afterwards with DP parents and brother?

beautifulname thank you, that’s very nicely put. I think you speak a lot of sense.

I think everyone has made really good points, and it’s so nice to hear people’s opinions. I think we will speak to DP’s family this weekend and explain what we want to do and then they know. They know about the issues with my family so they will understand. We will make decisions then based on that conversation.

Thanks everyone

We did this too - both wanted to be married but didn't want a wedding. DC came with us and we had a nice lunch after. It was a really lovely day. Told people afterwards.

Do it your way and don't feel you have to excuse or justify your decision.
I wanted to be married but was never interested in 'a wedding'. Also, family stuff would have made it way awkward.
Didn't tell anyone bar our 2 friends as witnesses. Never a moment's regret or recrimination.

We did exactly this - not because of family problems but simply because I wanted to be married and not have to spend thousands on a wedding. Also I hate being the centre of attention! It was great. We just had witnesses (close friends) and my daughter. We kept it secret then told all our family and friends afterwards. They were all fine about it. My parents did the same for their wedding so I knew they'd understand! We had a lovely meal afterwards and a mini honeymoon of just a couple of nights at a luxury castle. I have no regrets. It felt really special and is one of the best days I've ever had. For me it was all about my husband and I making that commitment. Nothing else. If you feel you missed out you can always arrange a big party with friends at a later date. That was our plan but we never got round to it. We think we might have the party for our 10th wedding anniversary which is not that far away.

I did it. NC with DM at the time so rest of the small family cut me off. DH foreign, didn't want a big fuss or anything religious and his parents refuse to leave their village let alone their country. Didn't want to marry in his country, as I didn't speak the language.

We decided to get married in Vegas. We booked the venue, hired hair and make up, limo and photographer and a fancy dinner in a top hotel. Just told people we had booked a holiday. My best said, if you get married 'I'll never forgive you'. Admitted it and she booked a ticket to cone for three days. DH told his best friend and he and his DP also booked for four days. We had a great time, and to be honest although we planned to do it one our own but it was a 100% better with our three wonderful guests. We all still laugh about it.

Had a photograph taking in our wedding clothes beneath the Vegas sign, made it into postcards and we sent them to everyone we knew whilst we were out there.

Everyone seemed surprised, nothing negative, his parents seemed relieved that they didn't have to go anywhere, back in touch with my DM a few years later and she has never ever mentioned it.

No regrets. One thing I will say, when I read about all the drama caused by hens/weddings on here, as much as I love them, your wedding is special to you both and it is VERY QUICKLY forgotten by other people.

Good luck OP.

I agree it isn't fair to DP's family to leave them out because of your family's behaviour. There are only 4 of them, just invite them. Hope you have a great day and a happy future together.