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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Another MIL thread

37 replies

Ihavealwaysknown · 15/02/2019 23:59

So we all know Mother’s Day is a while off yet! But for context this will be my first mother’s day as a mum 😊

This evening MIL text DH ‘what are we all doing for mother’s day?’ DH responds that he and DD intended on taking me out for the day and he would either pop over in the morning or if she would like take her out for lunch on the Saturday. He then received a phone call ‘I am your mother, you should be spending the day with me’ DH tries to point out it would be my first mother’s day, DD clearly won’t be able to do a fat lot by herself(!) so he wanted to spend it with us, and again offers to spend the Saturday with her.

Aibu to think MIL is being a bit of a spoilt brat? DH is an only child, he was busy on the Sunday last year so we took her out to lunch before mother’s day and she was perfectly happy with that 🤷🏻‍♀️. I know it’s a comercialised holiday, and in honesty I’d be happy just to spend the day with the 3 of us at home, DH is normally useless with things like this so I’m impressed he’d even realised that maybe it would be nice to do something... I just feel as though MIL is going to now hold it against him/me!!

OP posts:
Guineapiglet345 · 16/02/2019 00:02

She sounds like a nightmare, of course your DH will be spending the day with you on your first mother’s day, she’s had her turn!

Whoops75 · 16/02/2019 00:03

Do as ye planned and ignore her sulking, if you give in to her this year she will try something every year!

GreenTulips · 16/02/2019 00:03

This evening MIL text DH ‘what are we all doing for mother’s day?

Sounds like she was expecting to share the day, or cause an argument!!

I’ve never asked my kids ‘what are we doing?’ Would much prefer them to do something they chose than force it on them ( happy with tea and toast?

FairyMoppings · 16/02/2019 00:04

Ignore the tantrum, don't pander to it. It's not like your DH is saying he's doing nothing for her at all in favour of you. She's being childish

NWQM · 16/02/2019 00:09

She did say ‘we’ - are you sure she didn’t expect it to be all of you? Surely you could all have lunch?

TortoiseLettuce · 16/02/2019 00:09

MIL is being ridiculous. That text was fishing for a fight because she knew he wasn’t spending the day with her. Good on your DH for recognising that he should spend it with you and DD. Perhaps he could make plans to take her out the day before, and also take DD along with a Grandma card and gift for MIL?

Aprilshowersarecomingsoon · 16/02/2019 00:11

But it isn't dgm day.....
You would be giving her more status than is necessary. .. And more to argue she should be sharing the whole day...
Card off dh and that's all.

Unless you have a dcat? All cards come with a From The Cat version...

justilou1 · 16/02/2019 00:12

Yep - she is tanting ahead of time to put him in his place. And she is being a brat. You need to be the priority.

Thesnobbymiddleclassone · 16/02/2019 00:12

We have this every year.

My sisters and I arrange to do something for our mum and my DH is fab at helping DD treat me but he never bothers with his mum..

No idea why and I've tried reminding him, helping him but it's impossible.

Every year I get message asking what DH has planned for her and its awkward.

Walnutwhipster · 16/02/2019 00:15

Is she generally ok? Could you not all go out for lunch together? You'd still have the rest of the day to yourselves.

Original poster
Ihavealwaysknown · 16/02/2019 00:16

@NWQM I think the issue with this is- DH’s DGM is still alive, so if he is obliged to have lunch with his mum surely the same should be said of his mum with his GM

Then there’s my mum and GM (I also have 3 siblings), and then my dad and his mum? Where does the line get drawn? Do we all go together? If so do my siblings partners bring their mums? If not who does DD go with?

I thought his suggestion of spending Saturday with her and taking DD was nice (and also meant I could spend some time with my DM). I 100% agree with those saying she’s fishing for a fight, she’s good at that! Just wanted to check I wasn’t just dismissing it as that when I was actually BU

OP posts:
Owwlie · 16/02/2019 00:17

She probably expected this and was already preparing her argument. Just ignore her and stick to your plans. My mom is usually very overbearing, but even she understood that DP wanted to take me out (with DD) on my first Mother's Day.

I'd tell DH to pop round for a few hours in the morning. But I'd stay home with DD, after all, she should be spending mothers day with her mom!

GummyGoddess · 16/02/2019 00:18

My first Mother's Day we went out for a meal with my mum. During the meal we could see it slowly dawning on her that the day was now about me as well as her. No trouble since.

However your MIL clearly knows it's about you in advance and was getting in early to try and pin your DH down to see her. If you have one child, surely at some point you expect them to spend holidays without you just like when you have multiple children? What's she like on other occasions?

TC07 · 16/02/2019 00:18

Can you not pop round in the morning before going to lunch? What if you all went for lunch together?

Owwlie · 16/02/2019 00:20

Oh and OP, last year we did Mother's Day just us and then see one grandmother on the Saturday before and one the week after. Doing the same again this year. My mom said she's had years having Mother's Day be for her and now it's my turn.

EdtheBear · 16/02/2019 00:23

I think she was hoping for an invite to lunch with both of you and DGD.
Not him abandon you to spend it with just her. Food places are full of multi generation families on mother's day.

RedHatsDoNotSuitMe · 16/02/2019 00:27

Your DH is a star.

Can he send her some flowers to arrive on the Sunday?

If you don't mind her company, perhaps (as others have said) invite her to join you. Or not, if you'd rather keep it the 3 of you.

Personally, I don't think mother's day is important, and it wouldn't bother me. BUT I really like birthdays, and enjoy celebrating them, and most people on here seem to disagree with that, so each to their own, I say.

Pumpkintopf · 16/02/2019 00:31

My first Mother's Day I cooked a big roast dinner and had both my MIL and my DGM over. It was lovely to have three generations of mothers together.

Original poster
Ihavealwaysknown · 16/02/2019 00:31

@edthebear, I would’ve thought that until the phone call came through 🤷🏻‍♀️ It just seemed a bit like ‘I am your mother you will spend time with me’ my mother in law is renowned for wanting to be the centre of attention and has attempted to be so on both our wedding day and DDs christening 🙄

@Aprilshowersarecomingsoon we have a cat and MIL has 5(!) maybe DH should just get her a card off the cats, and even throw our cat into her house as our representative for the day

OP posts:
Original poster
Ihavealwaysknown · 16/02/2019 00:34

@RedHatsDoNotSuitMe he totally is 😍 and I don’t know why this has annoyed me so much as I know it’s a made up holiday 🙈 I think it’s a culmination of MILs actions over the past 13 years!!

OP posts:
Original poster
Ihavealwaysknown · 16/02/2019 00:37

@Pumpkintopf I regularly cook roasts to ensure DD gets to see family on a regular basis, I’d say once or twice a month we have either MIL and Step FIL or FIL and Step MIL over for a Sunday roast, so it’s not like we don’t make the effort. FIL will return the favour, MIL hasn’t had us over for dinner since DH moved out 10 years ago 🤷🏻‍♀️

OP posts:
Fluffyears · 16/02/2019 00:43

My mil easmost put out that we didn’t immediately jump to attention to tune in her tv one night because we were going out to my mums 60th. It did dawn on her though that I have family and they are important too.

chatwoo · 16/02/2019 00:46

LOL at sending your cat to your MIL's house to be the family rep for the day (sorry nothing helpful to add...) Grin

Pumpkintopf · 16/02/2019 00:56

Fair enough for you to draw a line if she doesn't reciprocate your hospitality I think and also has form for trying to monopolise attention. Was just a suggestion for a way for you to all be together, had you wanted that.

Original poster
Ihavealwaysknown · 16/02/2019 01:02

@chatwoo it’s a serious consideration... poor cat 😂

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