Am I cruel for taking primary care of son?

[Qubus]

DS is 17 months and still breastfed. Ex and I split up at New Year. I have primary care of DS. Recently DS has been crying a lot. I suspect teething by the way he feeds at the breast. When I informed ex that DS is constantly crying, ex replied "why does he never do that for me?"

The implication is of course, that DS prefers him over me; that he is happier with his dad.

Which begs the question, am I cruel for having primary care? If DS never cries with ex, presumably ex should have primary care and I pay maintenance to him? I want what's best for DS first and foremost. That's really all that matters.

Or he's crying because he's teething, and he wants a cuddle off his mum
Children usually express themselves differently to other people than to their primary caregiver

Mine are delights to every bugger else no matter the mood, absolute monsters sometimes for me though

He's talking bullshit. Your DS will cry whoever he is with if he is teething/unwell. Your his mum - of course you should have primary care. Hard to do, but ignore your ex.

Errr, ex could well be lying???

Children cry/whinge/misbehave the most with the person(s) with whom they feel the most secure (because they feel secure enough to do so).

How do you know he never cries when he's with your ex?

So if primary care was transferred to his dad, he would cry more at his dads?

DS also cries less for my mother than he does when with me :( I feel like a fucking failure.

Sounds like bullshit. Our 20m old has a strong preference for his dad at the moment. He still grizzles and cries for/with him. Our eldest went through a phase of it too, but it wore off.

You need to make sure your son can spend quality time with both parents. You don’t need to be guilted in to giving him to your ex full time.

What do you want to happen?

My little one would eat nothing but chips and chocolate and would watch tv all day if he could. I don’t think he’s the best judge of what will make him happy.

Why would he lie?

Maybe he did but your ex didn’t respond to it so he doesn’t see him as someone who will help him when he cries?

Not unusual for children to be harder work for mum than for gran/nursery. No reason to think you’re a failure. Sounds like ex has really dented your confidence.

My kids are angels for everyone else. I’m their safe place. You’re his.

Have you never seen a child be. ‘Ok’ and then run crying when mum shows up?

Quite normal and natural

Hmmm to be honest mostly you may have a point.

I've caught ex saying to DS "boys don't cry, are you a cry baby?" I'd blocked out those memories.

Because he feels more secure in your love than anyone else, he knows you are there whatever so does not have to hold back

Are you seriously asking whether you should give your son to his dad most of the time?

If your logic holds I should give custody to DD's after school club. In actuality, she prefers me and can be herself so she doesn't cry there but does when I pick her up.

NotANotMan if I am doing a crap job parenting, should I stubbornly continue because I have a uterus? If your child was happier with the other parent would you dig your heels in anyway?

@MostlyBoastly and @maddening are spot on, in my experience. Children express themselves best with those they are most secure with.

OP if you’re son is being called a “cry baby” by his father then his father most certainly should NOT be your son’s primary caregiver. DS cries more with you because you’re his mum and he knows you’ll respond and meet his needs.

Your ex sounds like a dick, I can see why he’s your ex. You’re doing a great job, your son is securely attached to you. He might be having a hard time with the changes in his life and withthe transitions from going back and forth to his dad’s and is saving all his upset for when he is with you. Keep being his steady anchor and he will eventually settle.

It’s a tough age, he most likely hasn’t got the language yet to tell you what he wants and do is frustrated which leads to crying/tantrums. I found my DDs crying reduced enormously once her speech improved - hang in there

If your child was happier with the other parent would you dig your heels in anyway?

I would fight tooth and nail for my children and so would my DH.

You sound depressed and stressed

I remember nursery saying to me that dc give their mums a harder time in reference to him seeming so miserable when I arrived with him compared to dh. He is probably crying more for the person who responds most to his needs (ie, you!)

Dear Qubus, your ex sounds like a bad man who has whittled away at your confidence.
Please ignore him. Talk to your HV. Consider whether you may have PND - a young baby and a relationship ending is a lot to cope with. Please trust your mothering instincts to give comfort to your baby and ignore that man.

Is it not just because mummy = boob? BF provides comfort as well as nourishment and there is only one person who can provide this and that is you. He doesn't associate your ex or DM with the boob so he knows there's no point in crying for it.

Bloody hell, ex has really done a number on you hasn't he

Your ex is talking a load of crap and trying to make you feel bad. He sounds like a bad parent if he’s calling your son a cry baby and teaching him to suppress his emotions. Take no notice, your son is crying because he’s unwell and would probably be inconsolable if his Mum wasn’t there to cuddle him.

If he crys more with you it's because he feels safe with you and crying results in him getting the comfort he needs from you.
He may or may not cry with ex.