Am I cruel for taking primary care of son?

[Qubus]

DS is 17 months and still breastfed. Ex and I split up at New Year. I have primary care of DS. Recently DS has been crying a lot. I suspect teething by the way he feeds at the breast. When I informed ex that DS is constantly crying, ex replied "why does he never do that for me?"

The implication is of course, that DS prefers him over me; that he is happier with his dad.

Which begs the question, am I cruel for having primary care? If DS never cries with ex, presumably ex should have primary care and I pay maintenance to him? I want what's best for DS first and foremost. That's really all that matters.

Would you consider yourself depressed, OP? Because your thought patterns are not really normal.

Do you consider a child never crying to be normal?

If he cries much less with your ex, it's because he knows not to expect comfort there
Kids give up crying if noone comes to cuddle them

Why should either parent have primary care? His time with each parent is equally important.

My ds cries way more for me than he does for my dh. No idea why, he just does. I have 2 other dc. One hardly cried. The other cried more for dh than me. Honestly you're not a failure. Kids are just odd and do strange things for no apparent reason

Because this is a toddler. A breastfeeding toddler. They need a primary carer. They shouldn't be forced into 50/50 to make it fair.

Just think about the children in romanian orphanages in the 80s. They never ever cried because they had learned that noone would come. Not crying doesn’t mean happy. Crying to a baby that age is communication. If your ex said he is happier with him because he doesn’t talk you would think bullsiht.

@Peacocking when the father tells a 17 month old not to be a cry baby and undermines the mother's parenting and did a very small part of gram care they should be considered equal primary care giver?? Parenting isn't about biology

*does a very small part of general care

OP I think I remember one of your other threads, is this the same partner who would withdraw all physical affection then blame it on your step children or you being unreasonable? That sounded very much like gas lighting and so does this.

Ex is lying and is bullying your son by saying what he did bout crying. Don’t let him have any more access than he has already.

Not crying doesn't equal happier at that age, it's not that simple. There's no point in him crying for boob if he's with your ex, because it won't be there, and he's likely to be getting an awful lot of comfort from you at the moment if he's teething so crying out to you will get him what he wants most of all - reassurance and cuddles from you. Crying is a communication tool, not simply a measure of contentment.

That, and ex is likely to be lying or minimising, of course. If things aren't very amicable between you I bet he's saying things he knows will hurt you. And if he's the kind of man who thinks his baby shouldn't cry because he's a boy and boys don't do that, it's even more likely he's lying when he says DS doesn't cry for him.

He's probably getting comfort from bfing when he's with you so he cries for it but knows there's no point when with other people. A pharmacist told me calpol was the only thing that worked for teething pain with his kids and i found the same with mine if you aren't already using it

Oh and btw OP my 14 month old starts crying (whining) the second she hears my voice. She’ll literally be playing happily in another room with her dad or my mum and I’ll call in to them about something (anyone want a cuppa? Etc.) and the second she hears me she starts “crying” and makes her way out to wherever I’m hiding

She only does this to me, no one else. It’s not because I make her unhappy - it’s because I’m the only mug who loves her enough to put up with such nonesense YOU are the only person who can provide your DS with the comfort he needs x

Thank you everyone. I really appreciate your advice. The info about crying being talking to a baby this age has comforted me.

Last night's communication with ex in a nutshell:

Me: DS is inconsolable
Ex: Why does he never do that for me? He's probably missing me.
Me: You should probably come and get him then. To do otherwise, would be cruel.
Ex: I'll get him in 4 days as usual.
Me: Why would you want him to cry for 4 days when you have the magic to stop it now?
Ex: You're a very antagonistic person.

Look my ex says all the time DS doesn't tantrum around him DS eats for him reality is he feeds them shite and DS does tantrum in fact he has narrowly missed the 3d TV and nannys precious glass cabinet he doesn't do it often as daddy yells when he does

And if he was really good for him he would have broke his neck getting his son if he thought for one minute he was anymore upset than usual or that he was really missing him he is saying it to hurt you

Why are you telling your Ex when DS is crying? I am all for informing Ex’s on relevant points, but this is not relevant to anything. At handover you can say “DS has been a bit unsettled because he is teething” and that is enough.

If you have a contact schedule in place it is a bit unfair to your Ex to suggest he comes to pick up DS just because he is crying. If you want to change contact to something else just talk to your Rx directly about that.

Don’t talk to your ex except on very practical matters - pick ups, drop offs etc. He is eroding your self-esteem. Keep boundaries in place and just be the best mum you can be while your child is with you

Yes he really is a wicked man. Please seek support from the HV or Women's Aid or the Freedom plan. I'll collect him in 4 days. Luckily he soesnt want the work.of childrearing in real life, he's just using your baby to emotionally abuse you. Stay strong. I can tell you are on the inside!

I still cry for my mum and I'm a grown adult! I can be strong for so long, and then see my mum and just crumple.
If that's what your DS does then you are his safe place.

That was totally unnesscessary communication, you don't need to be messaging him

He cries more with you because you are his safe release from all the worries of his world, you give him comfort and security, he knows you won't reject him. Ignore the ex, he's ex for a good reason.

Yep don't tell xdp anything that he can use against you or to hurt you. You know he'll take any opportunity given.