To ask at what age you'd allow your child to "date"?

[SparklySneakers]

Dd(11 in year 7) tells me she has a bf and is meeting him on Sunday at the local bmx park.

I've not heard her mention him, never met him, and she's never been to the bmx park with friends before as there's lots of roads to cross, is quite far, and adults hang out there too on their bikes.

Since starting high school we've had some trust issues and she's not yet at the point of me trusting her to go anywhere other than school and the local shop. She's young for her age, struggles with relationships (possible ASD) and her concept of truth is not usually anyone else's. I'm working on things with her but it's slow progress. She's disappeared after school a couple of times and had us all worried. Nothing sinister just thoughtless/doesn't think, and distracted.

I'm a single parent and due to DV I'm NC with her dad so can't speak to him about things. Everything goes via solicitor.

Most children around here are not allowed to the bmx park with just friends at 11 either due to the reasons above. Parents usually take them but stay a respectable distance away (in the cafe) so as not to cramp their style but allow them some freedom.

She's allowed to go to the park that's near school on the way home but not the big park with the bmx bit.

Would you be happy for your 11 year old dd to meet a boyfriend somewhere she doesn't normally go?

She's only 11, I wasn't ready for her to be doing this so soon!! How do you navigate things?

Extra protective due to family history and she accessed porn on her phone last week (curiosity) so I feel like she's suddenly grown up almost overnight and want to strike the right balance between protecting her and allowing her the freedom to grow up.

Thankfully the porn incident was dealt with calmly and without any upset. I was horrified at what she'd seen though. Think she was too and lessons learned.

Unsupervised, even from a distance. No.

At 11 I would allow my DC to invite a boyfriend / girlfriend home for tea. I wouldn't allow an 11 year old to go unaccompanied to a skatepark even with friends I knew, let alone a boyfriend.

Er, sounds like you've answered your own question. No, I wouldn't allow my DC there for lots of reasons. You sound like it's a no from you too, so go with that. If you don't feel it's right or safe or she's trustworthy, don't let her go.

16 for us,but everyone is different.
I don't like it being a thing any younger, even though at 11 it's a friendship.

Invite him over for tea, porn , new boyfriend, wanting to meet him alone would be a no from me especially at eleven and I think I'm usually fairly laid back

Glad it's not just me! I'm conscious of being overprotective (her dad and his gf say I am) but her safety is my priority.
I'm inclined to invite him for tea one day after school so I can meet him and know she's safe. Her dad was having sex at 12 so it's not a great leap to be worried about such things at 11 (nearly 12). She's vulnerable as it is without the added pressure of boyfriends.
Argh, where's the wine!

Do you know anything about him? Does he go to her school?

I'd be inviting him over to your house so you can meet him before she starts going somewhere alone with him.

No. Nope. Absolutely no way on every level.

Fifteen for ours. Before that they had opposite sex friends but we dismissed any talk of boyfriend and girlfriends before then. Definitely no one to one meet ups unsupervised.

Tell her why she can't go to the skate park alone and say you have to meet him first regardless of where they go on a date. Then when he comes over be extremely nice to him but don't let them go to her room alone. You being around may be enough to put him off...

It's probably at least 3 years after they have already been dating !

No to meeting in the skate park.
I wouldn't say no to meeting a boy, but would recommend going for a hot chocolate and a cake somewhere public.
My 14 yo dd wanted to meet up with a boy in his local park last weekend. That was a no, they went round the shops and sat in McDonald's.

11, eh no!

14 year old dd recently asked if she could bring someone home so we could meet him. He's since been round a couple more times and she is going over to his for a day next week. I've met both his parents and been to him house for coffee when I dropped him back.

At 11, unsupervised at a park, with a boy I didn't know? Absolutely no chance.

We didn't have a set age but it was 15 (just shy of 16) when we found out. Now facing the next challenge, when can they share a bedroom (lives a few miles away). 18 soon so thinking that's an appropriate age

Definitely not!

Thanks everyone. The bmx park is a definite no. It's her birthday next month and she's having a handful of friends round. It will be the first time she's invited anyone from school. I've only met one of her friends so far and after knowing her entire class at primary it's strange not to put faces to names these days and not to know their parents. Secondary is such a leap from primary!
She's not interested in boys usually and is quite scathing about them. We've had to have lots of talks about sexism and stereotypes recently. I have a feeling she felt pressured to have a boyfriend because of Valentine's Day. Time for a chat about things I think.

Have spoken to the boys mum and she seems very blasé about it all and thought it odd I was concerned

16 for ours too

Well she came back from her dad's this morning and we've had a chat. She lied about the other kids going too as they know nothing about it, she says he asked her out but both he and her best friend say she asked him. She's given me loads of cheek saying she's 11 not 2 and lots of eye rolling and oh my gods at me trying to explain things to her. She's now stomped off to her room and slammed the door. She's supposed to be having friends round for her birthday next month but if she carries on with this attitude it will be cancelled.
Wonderful.

People who are saying 16 - you do know that they will most likely have been dating well before that age and just hiding it from you?

My dd is 14 as has her first BF, who is also 14. We have ground rules, which we explain the reasons why - i.e. we've met him, not allowed alone in her bedroom, need to know where she is, we pick up and drop of for dates etc. It's better to build trust and for them to be able to talk openly with us about what is happening, than feeling that they need to hide it. As of yet my DD has "kissed" (on cheek/lips) but not "snogged", and is comfortable knowing she can take her time and make wise decisions with our support. I think if we didn't have open discussions and she was sneaking around behind our backs it would be much easier for her to feel pressurised into moving quicker than she wants, or to put herself into unsafe situations.

At 11, your DD is very young - much younger than the average of the people I know for having BF/GF relationships - generally 13/14 (Yr9) seems the age it all begins here. I would want to know who her BF was and to meet him first, and I would want initial "dates" to be supervised at home or in very public places (i.e. Pizza Hut/Costa) with parents dropping off and picking up. I think in view of her age, you are right to be wary, but you need to be working with her rather than against her. So not an outright "no" to dating, but reasonable, well explained conditions attached. So not at the skate park, but she's welcome to bring him round etc.

It's a minefield to negotiate, but keeping the communication open is the key.

Tbh I don’t see the problem you don’t want to make her a social pariah. I agree 11 is a bit young but 16 sounds extreme and you should be prepared for a lot going on behind your back with such an extreme rule. I once knew a girl who had parents like that and all that happened was she was sneaky:creeping out in the middle of the night to drink and god knows what else with older boys (she was 14 at the time)

Is she sensible and knows who to handle herself?

I agree @mrsm43s but unfortunately she has her dad's gf poisoning her against me saying that I'm trying to keep her a baby and won't let her do anything. I've given clear boundaries and said she can invite friends round but she chooses to lie and argue and has just told me shes not a child anymore and I need to realise that

I had male friends in high school, not year 7 though, when I was 14 and upwards. I preferred male company so am quite happy for her to have friends of either sex.

What concerns me is the viewing porn, the lies, the tantrums.

I'm told she's too sociable for ASD but she has very strong traits and struggles with relationships so much. We are all similar with strong ASD and ADD traits that impact on our lives. I'm trying my best to negotiate them growing up but it's hard when her dad and his gf parent against me as it confuses her and the boundaries are different at both houses.

11 is too young for a boyfriend, but I wonder how the relationships extends beyond a friendship (suspect it probably doesn’t). Can’t imagine my 11 yo having a bf but since starting high school I think she’s begun to notice boys (mainly because one of her new friends had a boyfriend for a time. I suspect there’s some sort of status thing going on).

I’m currently struggling with my 14 yo DD. She’s always had boys as friends, but I think things are changing. I wouldn’t object if she wanted to go out with someone, but I don’t want her to - I still think it’s a bit young. I’d keep my feelings to myself.