To ask at what age you'd allow your child to "date"?

[SparklySneakers]

Dd(11 in year 7) tells me she has a bf and is meeting him on Sunday at the local bmx park.

I've not heard her mention him, never met him, and she's never been to the bmx park with friends before as there's lots of roads to cross, is quite far, and adults hang out there too on their bikes.

Since starting high school we've had some trust issues and she's not yet at the point of me trusting her to go anywhere other than school and the local shop. She's young for her age, struggles with relationships (possible ASD) and her concept of truth is not usually anyone else's. I'm working on things with her but it's slow progress. She's disappeared after school a couple of times and had us all worried. Nothing sinister just thoughtless/doesn't think, and distracted.

I'm a single parent and due to DV I'm NC with her dad so can't speak to him about things. Everything goes via solicitor.

Most children around here are not allowed to the bmx park with just friends at 11 either due to the reasons above. Parents usually take them but stay a respectable distance away (in the cafe) so as not to cramp their style but allow them some freedom.

She's allowed to go to the park that's near school on the way home but not the big park with the bmx bit.

Would you be happy for your 11 year old dd to meet a boyfriend somewhere she doesn't normally go?

She's only 11, I wasn't ready for her to be doing this so soon!! How do you navigate things?

Extra protective due to family history and she accessed porn on her phone last week (curiosity) so I feel like she's suddenly grown up almost overnight and want to strike the right balance between protecting her and allowing her the freedom to grow up.

Thankfully the porn incident was dealt with calmly and without any upset. I was horrified at what she'd seen though. Think she was too and lessons learned.

The key, I think, to raising teens in trust.

My line has always been, ‘I trust you until I can’t, then you have to win that trust back’.

She wants to be treated as an adult, she needs to behave like one. It’s a tough lesson for them, especially at that age, but it’s important.

She needs to learn that lying and being dishonest only hurts her. There’s a lot of freedom to come, but it’s a privilege.

The next 6 years are all about emotional maturity in my experience. It’s quite like having toddlers again - teens get frustrated and struggle to control emotions.

I don't think this is so much an issue of having a boyfriend but rather where she is going and who else she is mixing with.

My stepdaughter had a 'boyfriend' in year 6 but it's all very innocent and childish at that age so was never a concern.

Would she have been allowed to 'hang out' at a skate park with said boyfriend and a lot of older kids. Well, ultimately, it would have been her mum's decision but I'd certainly have said no (and there's no doubt her mum would have agreed).

I would suggest, as others have, that you have him around for dinner or something. Having a boyfriend at the age isn't, I believe, an issue (the term 'boyfriend' means different things at different ages) but it sounds like your concerns about her safety are justified in this instance.

We've had a good chat now and she's calmed down. We've spoken about trust and telling lies again and hopefully she's listened. I've said she can invite whoever she likes to the house for dinner so will see if she does.
Being a mum is so hard at times!

At 11, 12, 13 even 14 its still very much friendship group based and the the holding of hands, giggling on the bus home.

Maybe I see it differently as I dont have daughters, but I did spend a long time in education, observing teen behaviours. You risk putting 'boys' into the category of 'boyfriends' rather than treating them as friends.

Talk of 'allowing' boyfriends or not, its a bit well, medieval. You wont be able to stop love lorn looks across the sience lab, sitting together at lunch, break, walking to and from school - and TBH you are foolish if you think you can. What do you think happens the day she turns 16 if you've had all these embargoes on the natural progression of friendships?

Just to clarify: I've not said 16. Other posters have said 16. I've also said that I'm happy for her to have friends of either sex. What bothers me is lies, and looking at porn at 11.
No she cannot handle herself and is not particularly sensible. She is a young 11 but has matured a great deal since high school.
She is waiting for counselling at school for many issues and is vulnerable as I said.