How can I make life with toddler more enjoyable?

[ReverseSmileyFace]

I'm really not enjoying this phase of DD's life. The tantrums, clingyness and mess is really making life seem so miserable.

Going out is starting to become stressful as she likes to dash off around the shops and I end up chasing her. I can't even do my bloody shopping.

Does anyone have a routine that they recommend to make life with a child at this age easier to deal with?

I don't even know where I'm going wrong

I say something like "You must not do that. That behaviour is unacceptable". All in a call voice. Doesn't work, she just shouts "NO", "because I want to"

I no longer use the Word "naughty". A parent at the childminder complained about their child picking up the Word so I was told to tell her that her behaviour is not good. I've had so many comments on my parenting that I fear using a stern voice in case it damages her.

In a calm voice

:) and now you've invited all us MNers to wade in too. My experience is that adding some sternness in really helped, abuse and neglect damages children, not strictness.

My mum really helped me to see that our modern ways are really good in many many ways but sometimes we are overthinking and too scared to discipline children to the right level. She thought it was outrageous that I was avoiding supermarkets because I couldn't control a 3 year old - and actually I think she's right - before online shopping and late opening, people got on with it and children mostly behaved.

Kids can be a nightmare, I think if you've had loads of opinions you need to find your own way. You need to decide if you want her to be your follower or whether you will follow her and try and add boundaries on the way. Only you can decided whether you will just avoid certain activities or whether you want to do them with her behaving.

Most people looking will be doing so in sympathy.

Just a reassurance - when I see a toddler playing up on public transport, I am mostly thinking ‘you poor sod’ for the parent! Not judging :)

I’m a bit dismayed reading this thread. I found the newborn and small baby stage hard work. It’s now he’s 13 months I’m starting to enjoy it.

I’m a bit of a slack mummy and he’s very active and knows what he wants. I mostly just do redirection but I’m thinking that’s not going to work as he gets older.

My youngest sister was quite a challenging toddler and my mum basically never got into ‘do what I say’ with her as she learnt it would end badly. She said she did a lot of redirection, offering two options, affirming when it was hard. She said she read ‘how to talk so kids will listen’ and it really clicked for her. My sister was the youngest of three and she required a totally different approach to the previous.

What I am noticing is that the strategy that worked a couple of weeks ago may no longer be sufficient as they change so quickly. So I don’t think you should be down on yourself, it’s not set in stone how you parent. maybe you need to have an experiment with some different strategies that you think will suit you both and see what lands for you.

Without wanting to sound harsh they are only this age for such a small amount of time and change so quickly that you should enjoy every second of it - tantrums mess and all....

Set boundaries - reward for tidying up etc - limit Tv and iPads etc and try lots of craft/physical based activities which keep their minds occupied.
Walk out the room during a tantrum - she's doing it for attention/reaction from you - once she knows it's not going to get her anywhere she ll most likely stop doing it
At the shops give DD the shopping list - any old scrap of paper will do and get her engaged in what you are doing - you can get children's shopping baskets from Sainsbury - let her bring it and put a few things in it. As for the clinginess - embrace it - once they are older and teenagers etc you ll miss these days when they just want to spend time with you x

Another fan of a bit of sternness occasionally.

I treated shopping as an activity. Toddler had a shopping list (pictures and words) and got jobs to do. Carrying a bag of carrots or a small bag of potatoes is very calming. We did lots of counting and checking against the list. I would let them choose one treat but it had to stay in the trolley until the check out. Put it up first so you can hand it over straight away and get on with packing. If they wanted something else they had to choose between the two things. It took bloody ages. If it’s only for a small shop I’d let them scan through the self scan checkout if they were very good. Bringing your own kids trolley/pram for them to help can be fun, but obviously not at busy times.
I used to talk about everything In a Joycean stream of consciousness
“What’s next? Oh yes bread? Now I wonder where that is? Oh yes there it is, now which one do we buy? Can you see the price? How many do we need?” I had to remember to keep my mouth firmly shut when the dc weren’t with me to avoid scaring other shoppers.

@wickedwytch joycean! my mum said she forgot to turn off the narrative on a solo bus journey, after years in toddler land, and found herself exclaiming ‘oh look there’s a little dog’ to the rest of the bus.

My daughter was a dream at 2, a tantruming pain the in arse at 3 and now she's lovely again at 4 so hang in there.

We did really simple stuff, library and park mainly.

If it helps also re frame the language - I personally don't think 3 is a toddler - they're a preschooler at that age - some children will be starting school a year later. It helps to set the expectations in your mind.

And yes @wickedwytch's advice on supermarkets is excellent!

It gets better - mine are now nearly 4 and nearly 7 and I enjoy most (only most!) of my time with them. mariethecat pipe down with 'enjoy every second' crap - no one has to enjoy every stage of having children. My DS2 went through a 10 month long poo smearing stage at 2 - it was one of the least enjoyable times of my life. I can glean lots of enjoyment from the baby stage, and lots 3.5 onwards but 18-36 months is a grind for me and I make zero apology for that.

@reverse

Relax. You're not doing it wrong. You've got this.

A few ideas:

-Walk in the park...let's find a feather, a leaf etc. My nearly 2 year old loves this game

• If you have an ipad get some dancing tunes on. Agadoo, Cha Cha Slide etc all help with confidence and coordination
• Baking together...let your toddler help stir ingredients and explain what you're doing
• Dressing up...get some hats, old clothes etc and engage in imaginative play. Kids love dressing up.

Life with a toddler is hard but can be so rewarding. :)

If you’ve only got the one it can’t be that bad.

Put her in a shopping trolley at shops.

Burn off energy at soft play.

Embrace the mess at home.

It’s not so bad.

I put my dd2 in the trolly seat in shops, she loves putting things into trolly. If she ran off I would be stern, and then would have to hold hand or go in pram. On train there is no messing even if it ends up with screaming. I find after the tantrum there will be better behaviour next time. We talk about it afterwards and about why. Last time she was naughty on train a dogooder tried to give her bloody sweets!
I think you need to set expectations and I use rewards (bribes) some times too.

I feel your pain. I have a 2-year-old and not enjoying this stage at all. Constant tantrums and screaming. No nap here anymore also so it feels relentless. I can’t even get on with housework/things I need to do. Going out anywhere is an absolute nightmare as well. However I have an older DC and from experience it does get so much easier once they reach school age.

I remember those days!

The amout of time spent in an activity was in an inverse proportion to the time spent setting it up / clearing away.

am breakfast then play
toddler group / park / library
lunch
pm after lunch quiet time reading
activity /play.baking - garden or park if nice
dinner
bath
storytime /bed

Worked for us and as childminder I've used this timetable.

You could make a visual timetable, put it on the wall and talk her through it so she knows what to expect each day, especially if she goes anywhere else eg grandparents or nursery. Nothing complicated, draw pics and cut them out and use velcro or you could glue on magnets and put it on the fridge.

Just forgot, dance /music time so you both be silly together! We used musical instruments and used to march around the kitchen table too.

No child follows a prescribed path, I know many who skipped the terrible twos and made it the fiercesome threes.

Apparently the happiest and most well-adjusted children are those with parents who are warm and loving, but set clear and firm boundaries. This reassured me greatly.
Bus journeys can be SO hard. I seem to spend my whole life saying "Sit in your seat PROPERLY. Bum on the seat. No, what did I just say? Bum on seat." Five minutes later ... "Sit down PROPERLY." Drives me flipping mad.
The best ways I found to make it stick were to:

1. Explain why. "It's a wobbly bus and you're only little and Mummy's worried that if you don't sit down properly you might fall over and hurt yourself."
2. Clear choices. "You've got a choice. Are you going to be sensible and sit down properly? Or are you going to be silly and have to be strapped into the pushchair? Because I love you and I don't want you to be hurt, so if you're going to be silly, you'll have to be strapped in." Then stick to it. Then if she cries, she cries. Give her ten minutes or so and then give her a cuddle and another chance.
3. Some leeway. Mine is allowed to change seat when the bus has stopped at a bus stop. Unless it's a busy bus and he's getting in people's way, then he isn't. But then I explain why.

I agree with PP - I don't judge mums who are engaging with their kids who are kicking off. I just think "God, poor mum, I've been there."

Same here!!! I have no tips, I’m afraid. Just try to find a good place to hide

I’m not sure if this is just my experience but I found things got much easier at about 3.5 years. In general I think it helps to give them as much autonomy as possible to give them a sense of control, often that is what they are fighting against. Simple decisions (do you want the blue cup or the red cup? etc) seemed to help with my DS. Also turning boring things like shopping into a game.

In the supermarket DS is allowed to walk beside the trolley until he does something naughty and then he is put in the trolley. Also if he picks up something and throws it in the basket and it gets wasted he has to eat it. Yesterday was a chicken sushi sandwich thing.

We get public transport a lot and the rule is he must sit down when the bus is going. We sing it together and he does stand up all the time but then sits down with a warning.

We don't do a whole lot, most days we go to a shop and buy bread/fruit, go to the park then eat out lunch outside.

Worst comes to worst I watch super nanny when he goes to bed and feel a little bit better about my day.