Am I being an ungrateful cow?

[MrsArsey]

Ok, hear me out.
My family and I live overseas, originally from the UK. We aren't wealthy but live in a very expensive part of the world, huge mortgage, high cost of living so there is never much spare cash.
My parents still live in the UK. My mother is sick and will probably only be with us for a few more years. She doesn't recognize me or the kids due to her illness which is progressing rapidly.
Anyway, my dad offered to pay for tickets back to the UK which we took him up on. The tickets are all booked and cannot be canceled. The original plan was to stay with my family for 4 weeks. DH and I have been talking about this and we've realized we've made a huge mistake and staying there is not going to be an option. Heres why:
my parents have never been able to keep a clean and tidy house and I think it is even worse now my mother's illness is taking a hold. They both drink heavily something which DH and I have given up recently. The last few times we have been at the house every morning we were waking up moving drink bottles and cans from the night before and cleaning up the kitchen for them. They live in a small house in a decent suburb but only one bathroom. We are two adults and two small children. The kids, like all kids, have a lot of energy and are noisy. My mother doesn't do too good with them. Like I said she doesn't recognize them and she does not appreciate the noise they make. They are 2 and 4 years old. We've started looking at airbnbs and hotels in the area just to give us a bit of space. I'm aware of what my father and siblings are going to think of this after my dad's paying for the flights already. Are we being unreasonable telling them that we don't want to stay with them, but would prefer a hotel/ air b&b. my father is disillusioned thinking that everything will turn out for the best but I know exactly how it will end. the rooms won't have been cleaned for months that will be bugs, spiders,mold in the bathroom and possibly in the bedrooms as well. I am feeling ashamed writing all this down. The house depresses me to no end. Are we being ungrateful here?

Book a premier inn and just say the kids are very noisy which might e.g. distressing for your mum or say the kids will need a respite if they can see your mum doesn't recognise you

Personally I’d just give it a go, it sounds as if your father is desperately in need of help, and if things get too much you could always book into the BnB .

Your mum is sick, your dad is alone. Clearly the siblings don't help.

In your shoes, I'd be staying at their house. I'd either do a deep clean myself (ask DH to look after the kids), or paying for someone to help me do it. I'd find some places the children could be outdoors/out of the house most days: parks, playgrounds, soft play, whatever. Somewhere they can burn off physical energy so that when they are home they're more likely to do seated activities: crafting, reading, blocks, TV. I'd be getting the kids up early and to bed early.

It wouldn't be a holiday. It would be hard, hard work. But you're going, presumably, out of love for your parents and for your children to be with their grandparents. Your dad obviously wants you there as he's paid for your tickets. Lend a hand. Don't turn your back.

Id hire a house or flat nearby. Then let dh stay with kids and stay couple of nights myself at parents house. Give youchnace to help with nursing mum and do a clean

No harm in giving each other room and staying in a hotel. Hopefully you'll be able to help them get the house back to a decent standard whilst you're here?

I'd give it a go staying in their house. Tbh most houses have spiders and bugs. And mould in bathrooms. It's fairly normal in elderly peoples homes and wouldn't really be a deal breaker for me. It's not as if it would be my house, I'd put up with it for a month knowing I was going back to my own house.

Also if she no longer recognises you I'm not sure how heavy her drinking is going to still be tbh. You may find things much altered.

And if they were drinking late at night anyway I'd put up with it as long as there was no disruption and the kids didn't see it. If the only inconvenience is tidying up bottles, then I'd accept it. This is not the time to address the drinking as long as the only people they're hurting with it is themselves.

The mess wouldn't bother me - its unpleasant but not life threatening. I'd be worried about the kids upsetting your mum. Could you perhaps get an air bob very close by but perhaps stay over yourself so your dad has round the clock help?

I'm really sorry but sounds like they need you to come in open the windows, clean and be their family for the duration of the stay. Your kids are young enough that you can work around them. They don't just need you there a little, he's paying for you to be there. And your dh will need you too, we moved I with my family for over a year when my dad was sick and it's so hard but then you have some moments that are so special I can't even tell you

Stay elsewhere but do a deep clean while you’re there. Aren’t your siblings stepping up?

You can still be there morning till night if you stay in a Premier Inn. I would do that and get a good night's sleep. It's tough enough staying with someone for a month, without those extra problems.

Can you stay a few days each week away? Like little day trips overnight? That way you are still there some of the time but not the whole time. He might want to chill with you on an evening, spend some quality time with you and talk to you when the kids are asleep.

Thank you for these constructive replies. I actually really enjoy cleaning. I've never been able to help them much on our last visits due to having either tiny babies or pregnant etc. Id be more than happy to get house clean provided my kids will be looked after. Should addDH is only there for 10 days. They still drink heavily. We were with them here recently as as bad as her memory is now they were still very much drinking as they always have. I'm planning a trip later in the year alone to give my dad a hand with the house too. There is one sibling at home but cleaning isn't his forte. I hate to say this but if I go in with my cleaning gloves they will see it as interference.

Oops, pressed send too soon.

With the best will in the world, a month together will be very hard work. My parents are in very good health, in their mid sixties, have a big house and are usually showing signs of being weary (although they would never admit it) after a week or ten days of us and our chaos.

We are in very similar situation (abroad) and planning our UK summer holiday, with little breaks x

How close are your siblings? Do they see the mess your parents are living in or are they blind to it?

I'd go and stay at least the first week at parents house. Do a massive clean/ sort for them ( and get siblings to help) then see how things go from there. Your Dad may realise that having your DC there is too much for your Mum and think it is a good idea if DH and kids stay in a local AirB and B and you with him to help with Mum.

Oops just saw your last post.

I would book a hotel or Airbnb and tell your father you are worried the kiddy noise will be detrimental for their health.
I would absolutely clean the house from top to bottom, give my father a proper break from the relentless exhaustion of caring for someone that unwell, and organise a weekly cleaner for them.
This is your time to step up and really help them, you can still offer this from a hotel. You could also clean, and then stay for a little while.

Your poor parents what a ghastly situation.

Given their horrendous predicament and I might be tempted to self medicate with alcohol too.

Are you expecting your father to pay for your hotel / Airbnb ?

I hate to say this but if I go in with my cleaning gloves they will see it as interference.

So what if they think it's interference? Maybe it's time to tell them how you feel. Let's face it, a month long stay means there will be some disagreements regardless (especially given what you've said about your children bothering your DM etc). At least this way you have a clean house.

Could you afford to stay elsewhere or would you need your DF to pay for that also? If you can't cover the expense yourselves, I think you need to make do with staying at your parents and follow some of the good advice given by previous posters (i.e. take the children out etc).

After my DM died, my DF was alone in their house and it became increasingly dirty and unloved through lack of use. I found it difficult but my DF had enough on his plate. So instead, when I went to visit and stayed there, I just got on with cleaning everything while he was out or busy. So, I'd cook us a meal but spring clean the kitchen at the same time. I don't think he ever even realised. We certainly never spoke about it and he wouldn't have wanted me to do it if I'd asked as he'd want me to 'have a break' rather than be cleaning (or cooking).

I would, however, be tempted to give your sibling (who still lives there) a kicking and tell them to pull their finger out.

If your siblings live in the uk/near to your parents, why can’t they help your parents with the cleaning or organise a cleaner?

@HundredMilesAnHour

Don't you think it is hardly the time to start telling people 'how you feel'? Especially since op lives in another country and so doesn't need to make her stand about her attitudes to the house. It is hardly a sensitive move, given the circumstances.

I wouldn't stay with them but I would stay very close by and then try to work out how I could be most helpful.

I would frame it that it’d be too much for them to have the kids about. I wouldn’t want to stay with my mum for a month in any circumstances much as I love her, it’s drive us both crazy

Could you dress up the cleaning as a thank you for paying for the flights?

The two things I would consider thinking about are:

1. you currently think that your father/siblings will think negatively about you if you choose to stay elsewhere. Is that true? They could be relieved not to have to feel the pressure of you being there, or they may feel worried about how it may make the visit more fraught.
2. How do you want to show up? If you need your space to show up as the best possible you, then that is absolutely fine. If you are looking at this from a place of love and support, and you communicate it in that way, then they can choose to interpret it however they want. But you will know that you were doing it out of wanting to be supportive, taking care of yourself first so you can give more of yourself, and not from a place of judging who they are.

I would say if you don't feel ungrateful then you are not ungrateful. Your actions will be interpreted however they are going to be interpreted, without you getting to choose so do what's right for you. It sounds to me like you have good intentions.

Is there no one else you could stay with other than your parents? A friend or family member close by?

You can use the kids as an excuse - not disturbing your mum too much

This situation sounds so sad. Sorry