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Original poster

Please help I feel like a rubbish mum

40 replies

ImARubbishMum · 15/02/2019 17:56

My DS (7) was playing football with his friends after school and when I explained we needed to go home he had a MASSIVE meltdown and refused. We were in a hurry to get to an appointment, so I picked him up (as he wasn't budging) and he struggled to get free, so I clung on to him. He was screaming and kicking and having a massive tantrum.

A. I feel awful for holding him - do other people hold their 7 year olds? Or is he too old (I felt weird about it while I was doing it and thought people might see it as abusive??? Is it?) I haven't needed to hold him since he was about 4, so maybe I did the wrong thing? When I let him go he ran off, so then I threatened no tablet time and eventually he came back to me and we were able to go (although he walked along kicking me and screaming at me Sad til we got to the car, where he miraculously calmed right down)

B. I feel like all the other mum's were looking at me and thinking 'oh my God, she's a crap mum and her son is a nightmare' (he's really not normally Sad so I feel he's been unfairly judged)

C. I feel really embarrassed about the whole thing :( I'm super super shy (ridiculous at my age I know) and parents that I like, and would like to like me, were all watching Blush

D. I just feel like I handled the whole thing wrong :( But worse still, I don't know what I should have done Sad

(This is probably really outing, as if you were a parent at the football today, you'd know who we are! If you do know who I am - then I'm super sorry for my uselessness today - I am not normally such a bad mum Sad and DS is honestly a good kid (please dont judge him)

OP posts:
Original poster
ImARubbishMum · 15/02/2019 18:03

Anyone?

OP posts:
Cookmysock1 · 15/02/2019 18:06

You've got this totally out of proportion, anyone who was looking at you was probably sympathizing, I would have and have done exactly the same numerous times
I've no time for tantrums, picked up bodily if refusing, deposited in the car, seatbelt on and off we go,

Outnotdown · 15/02/2019 18:07

We all have days where we feel like shit parents. Don't stress yourself out, everybody there was probably just grateful it wasn't their turnSmile

isseywithcats · 15/02/2019 18:09

Most of the other mums would have probably done exactly the same thing as you did i know i have in the past when mine were that age

WorraLiberty · 15/02/2019 18:09

You did exactly what I would've done.

7 year old kicking off and refusing to come with me? Right then, I'll carry him out of the park.

Perhaps now he knows this, he won't do it again.

Honestly, I think you did the right thing. Some parents would've stood there for an hour trying to 'reason' and persuade.

That makes me want to grab their child and cart them off Grin

bridgetreilly · 15/02/2019 18:10

You're fine. No need to feel embarrassed.

Worth thinking about whether there's anything that might have helped avoid the tantrum for the future, though. Was DS hungry or particularly tired, for instance? Did he get a snack after school or not? Did he know about the appointment beforehand? Had you warned him that you were going to have to leave promptly after school today?

DaanSaaf · 15/02/2019 18:11

You did everything right afaic, it's what I'd have done anyway.

7 years old is way to old for tantrums though (additional needs aside) and I'd be coming down on ds like a ton of bricks.

MostlyBoastly · 15/02/2019 18:12

You can’t just leave him! You did what everyone would’ve done. And you feel like crap because you were flustered and he was resistant so oh probably held him quite forcefully and were less than sympathetic. It’s okay. Everyone has this!

7salmonswimming · 15/02/2019 18:13

Well, it doesn't really matter what anyone else was thinking. No parents holds a Best Parent in the World trophy.

I think 7yo is too old (and big!) to be physically manhandling your child. By 7 he should be amenable to reasoning and explanation. Did you tell him before football that he couldn't play for long because you had an appointment to go to? They still need expectation management, a little, at that age.

As for him kicking and screaming at you: no, no, no. There is never cause for that behaviour (bar the obvious), no matter how frustrated he's feeling. You need to put an end to that.

Original poster
ImARubbishMum · 15/02/2019 18:14

Ah thank you :) that's making me feel a bit better! I had a go at him in the car which I'm feeling bad about too, as my anger was mainly related to me feeling embarrassed in front of the other mum's, rather than a thought through reaction to his behaviour :( Very glad it's the weekend tomorrow and half term! We all need it!

OP posts:
VioletBedframe · 15/02/2019 18:15

Don’t worry about it. Everyone has moments like this.
I would have said to my DS that if he did not get in the car by the time I counted to 10 he would have no tablet or gaming for 2 days. That would do it for mine.

Blackbird18 · 15/02/2019 18:15

I wouldn't worry yourself lovely. Tbh as said above when I see children playing up I just want to help the parent not judging them but i dont interfere because its rude. Theyre probably thinking poor woman.

I would however be ensuring there are consequences for the outburst ie no tablet for x amount of time for the behaviour and how bad it was.

Tbh i wouldve done exactly the same . Picked up and put in the car tantrums in our house get her nowhere. I always say to her "if you werent getting what you wanted before you definitely arent now " .

You are not a bad mum. You care about your child clearly and worry alot don't beat yourself up so much you're doing the best you can.

mumofsomeone · 15/02/2019 18:15

You did the right thing. Every child is different, dont let anyone putting you down. I am a mum of two boys 9 and 10 and i have similar experience in the past. Then i realise that people judge a lot others but not themselves.

lerrimknowyouretheyir · 15/02/2019 18:19

It very easy in hindsight to think about what you should have done. It’s very unlikely anyone was looking at you with anything other than sympathy/empathy, thanks the lord it wasn’t them (as I usually am when someone else’s child is having a meltdown). Even if people were looking on acting judgy, who cares, others’ opinion is irrelevant unless you were beating the bejaysis with it of him.
All kids have off days and I think it’s worth coming down on him for behaving in a certain way eg threading to remove a privilege and following it through. It’s hard to do but in my house it’s what works best in the long run even if initially the ensuing tantrum makes you want to give in.

Seriously, don’t worry, most parents are doing the best they can and everyone has off days.

MostlyBoastly · 15/02/2019 18:20

Everyone does it. And the guilt! Just apologise.

DocusDiplo · 15/02/2019 18:21

It's fine.

llangennith · 15/02/2019 18:21

I wouldn't have judged you; I'd have felt relieved it wasn't my DS (or DGS) on this occasion.

These things are worse when they catch you unawares. I'm sure you've had a chat with him about it now.
When you meet him from school take a drink of water and an apple or other snack. Low blood sugar or dehydration will often cause tantrums. Give him 10 minute, 5 minutes, one minute warnings.
I found it particularly galling that once they'd calmed down they'd be fine but I'd be a shattered wreck😂

stayathomer · 15/02/2019 18:25

Wouldn't have judged either but now I have a bad back so couldn't even try to pick up 6yo!!!

Thurmanmurman · 15/02/2019 18:27

I’d have felt sympathy and wouldn’t have judged. We’ve all been there and the fact you’re even worrying about this says to me that you’re a good Mum. Stop feeling guilty you’ve done nothing wrong.

WorraLiberty · 15/02/2019 18:35

Everyone does it. And the guilt! Just apologise.

WTF??

Apologise for what?

MostlyBoastly · 15/02/2019 18:38

I’d always apologise if I recognised that I was shouting for the wrong reasons. Wouldn’t you?

hidinginthetoiletagain · 15/02/2019 18:49

Any parent worth knowing would not judge you in this situation. All the ones that would make good mates would just be a) relieved or wasn't their child b) sympathetic because the same thing happened to them last week c) didn't actually notice because they're so brain dead with exhaustion and focused on their own child's naughty behaviour. Or a mixture of all three.

Paddingtonthebear · 15/02/2019 18:51

No need to feel embarrassed. You did the right thing. You are the adult and you are in charge. You didn’t hurt him.

However, him screaming, kicking you and hurting you at age 7 = not acceptable. I’d be having strong words. Massive over reaction on his part, he’s not 3.

DoingMyBest2010 · 15/02/2019 18:54

No, you are not a bad mum. Read the Unmumsy Mum's Blog about the Lady in the Red Coat. You're one of us, we all lose our shit from time to time.

WorraLiberty · 15/02/2019 18:55

I’d always apologise if I recognised that I was shouting for the wrong reasons. Wouldn’t you?

I don't believe she was shouting for the wrong reasons.

It's fine for kids to know their bad behaviour can make their parents angry.

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