To not tell them I'm changing the will?

[bouncyfish]

We have a will to say that in the event of us dying the dc would go to live with my parents and they would be guardians and trustees etc.

We made the will when I was pregnant with dc1 and to be honest I really regret it. I feel pathetic admitting it because I was so controlled by them even then and have always had a weird and fucked up relationship with them both. The penny has only dropped on this in the last couple of years.

I worry about it all the time and have decided to get it changed for my sanity. Do I need to tell them this? In the event of us both dying they'd obviously find out but would they have any legal grounds to still have them?

Can you tell I'm fucking terrified of them!!

Yes change it
You don’t have to tell them

You don’t need to tell them, no - but make sure whoever you choose in their stead is on board and would be considered suitable. If your parents did try and challenge it, the courts would need to be satisfied your chosen guardians were suitable. I would also make clear in your will the reasons why you have chosen the people you have, and why they are better suited than your parents.

It should be about what's best for the children in the (extremely unlikely) event of the death of both parents.

Would it be better for them to live with a sibling /sibling in law?

Change it if you want you've no obligation to tell anyone. Think about what is best for your DC, and go with that.

Of course you don't have to tell them. Nobody has the right to know what's in their daughter's Will.

However, you need to think carefully about who you would want to care for any children and I would get a good insurance policy to cover costs, too. And I'd get your Will professionally rewritten and perhaps put a couple of letters with it, one to the new potential carers and one to your parents, to clarify things.

If your dead they can't really tell you off. Seriously though if you are actually scared of them you should change it.

Sorry, forget I said you should write to your parents. If you're frightened of them that might be too much to do.

You don't have to tell anybody what's in there. You might want to tell whoever you wish to appoint to guardianship, possibly in writing, so that it is incontestably what you wanted. Hopefully, of course, you will live to see your DC grow up and this will all be moot.

Mine states guardians for my DD (obviously in the event of both me and my ex dying). I was told it was fine so long as they'd be considered suitable.
As others have said though take out an insurance policy to help pay for costs and make sure the chosen guardians are well aware of your intentions and you'd potentially need them to challenge your parents if they tried to go against the wishes in the will.

Change it - it’s your children and you want to be secure in the knowledge that if anything happens they are in the best hands possible.
And no need to tell them, it’s highly highly highly unlikely to ever be an issue any way

I'd make sure you state in the will that you DO NOT want them to have the children.
You don't have to tell them but I still would to make sure they know where they stand. If they kick off then you can go LC or NC and then they won't have much of a claim over children they don't know well.

Change the Will. Ensure you have included a full statement as to your wishes and reasons why you have chosen the new Appointees and why you have changed your mind. Do not tell your parents. And then, forget all about it. You will probably never need to use it and sorry to say, if it used then you firstly won't be around to hear from your parents and you know your wishes are carried out.

you do not have to tell them, but you do then need to make sure a copy of your will is lodged with someone who will make sure it doesn't 'disappear' and will step forward and get it implemented.

as pp said, I would even go so far as to say you do NOT want them the look after dc.

But also don't forget, this is only incase you both die, and that is extrremely unlikely and so don't waste a huge amount of energy on it, just change will, and then leave it, for your own peace of mind

Your children aren’t possessions you can give away but it is important to clearly state your wishes. I wouldn’t discuss this with your parents. Who would you want to look after the children? You need to discuss it with them.

Yes change it .

I have willed for my Ds not to go to his dad and where I want him to go. . I have also attached a letter explaining why I don’t want him to go to ex on solicitors advice

Thanks all for the replies.

I initially wanted my PIL to be, but my parents wore me down so much I caved. All they care about is keeping up the happy family appearance and would be raging if they knew that it was changed to them.

PIL are well aware of all the drama over the last few years and are more than happy to be guardians.

Hands down they are very emotionally stable in comparison and would provide dc with a very loving, normal upbringing. They are in more of a position financially, plenty of spare rooms at their house, they also live in the same catchment area as the schools dc will be attending.

I'm just worried that there could be a confusion over the two wills. I'll make sure we do it through the same solicitor and perhaps state that I don't want them to go to my parents.

I'd like to think we'll both be here but they are so toxic it worries me so much.

We were in the car the other day and I thought god if we were both killed in an accident our kids would have it rough anyway growing up without parents but they'd be fucked if they were in that awful, backwards environment.

You don't have to tell them but I think you should. Otherwise you'e creating a problem that'll kick off if did die. Do you really want whoever you choose to have your kids to have to deal with the fallout at such a horrible time?

there will be no confusion as the latest date is 100% the will that is used. But as I said, unless you are sure your PIL have a safe copy, your parents could destroy the new one and produce the old.

so 1. Where are all the copies of the old will? get them and detrsoy them

1. Lodge a copy of the new will with your PIL, have a copy (sealed) in your home clearly labelled, and leave a copy with your solicitor.

Do what's best for your children, not for your relationship with your parents (especially as you won't be around to see it). Which set of grandparents would be best for your children?

You could, as an alternative, renege on the first will and let the 4 adults sort it out between themselves if the situation arises. Who knows what the future holds. Perhaps your PILs can hold their own with your parents. Perhaps your parents fall ill. Perhaps your PILs pre-decease you.

It's not common to give guardianship to grandparents, normally it would go to people of a similar age to you.

Change the will. Don't tell your parents. The only person who NEEDS to know what is in your will is the solicitor writing it. (And you).

Your solicitor will keep the original of your will safe and sound in their archives so any copies are with you and whoever you choose to have a copy. Most solicitors also register your will (date of it only) with a national wills register so that your parents can destroy as many copies of it as they wish but it would make not a blind bit of difference.

Get it done by your solicitor. You do not need to tell your parents. It is a good idea to clear it with the proposed guardians, but you say your PIL are on board with this, so that's fine. I personally would advise against making any statement in the will itself other than making the appointment of the PIL as guardians. After your death a will becomes a public document and anyone can look at it. Best to keep 'dirty laundry' out of the public eye and include only what is legally necessary in a will. Side letters are a good idea if you want to give guidance, and if you think your parents may try to challenge the guardianship appointment then do a side letter giving your reasons why you don't want them to be guardians, as a judge would take this into account. The side letter(s) should be kept with your will and would typically be addressed to your executors explaining your reasons.

I would change it in your will and also have an exclusion clause put in. I had to pay around £60 extra for this, but in our case it excludes a particular family member from being able to claim any of our estate from our children should me and DH both die. I would imagine if you have that in, it will make it even clearer that you do not intend for your children or any of your estate to go to your parents. It's not really a pleasant thing to do, but if you don't trust someone then it's worth £60. Our solicitor told us that if someone tries to claim part of your estate, they generally manage to walk way with something although usually a lot less than they claim for.

And they can get away with claiming something unless you put in an exclusion clause

Do you have younger family you could consider alongside your PILs?

I disagree with most of the responses. I think you should change your will and I think you should tell your parents. Living in such fear of them is simply ridiculous. So what if they kick off? So what if they refuses to speak to you again? They are a toxic anvil that hangs over your head, and you are allowing this cancer to control and poison your life. It's madness. Set yourself free from their emotional terrorism.