Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Sex on special occassions

51 replies

BabyCakes234 · 15/02/2019 15:42

So last night Dp and I went out for a lovely v day evening. I was really up for sex until I got home and changed my mind. When he tried to initiate I told him I didn’t want to and he said okay.

I told him I wasn’t going to make myself give in for special occasions like birthdays or valentines and such if I just didn’t feel like it because it would set a standard up for the rest of our life.

I feel bad though, should I make the effort to be intimate on special occassions or is ‘I’m not in the mood’ a perfectly good excuse not to?

He is lovely and hasn’t made me feel bad at all, this is all my thoughts on my own. We have sex regularly, I’m just specifically talking about occasions

OP posts:
Jaxinthebox · 15/02/2019 16:08

I have to ask @Zoflorabore - what makes it so special? Or is it just that BJ are for 'special occasions'

GetOffTheTableMabel · 15/02/2019 16:09

I told him I wasn’t going to make myself give in for special occasions .......because it would set a standard up for the rest of our life

You seem to have fundamentally misunderstood how sex and relationships work. This is not how they work. Maybe scrap everything you have ever thought about expectations in relationships (especially as your partner doesn’t seem to have unreasonable expectations) and start again.

musicposy · 15/02/2019 16:12

Zoflorabore so do I, but it's only for birthdays. Don't want him getting too entitled Grin

Zoflorabore · 15/02/2019 16:24

It's a very special one where I spend ages and ages stopping and starting and then he can't walk for two hours Grin

recrudescence · 15/02/2019 16:24

“We have sex regularly ...”’

This is much more significant than whether you do or don’t have sex on Valentine’s Day. Stop worrying.

Original poster
BabyCakes234 · 15/02/2019 16:24

He made a comment once about how sex would’ve been nice on his birthday after we’d been out and how he thinks it’s a nice way to end an occassion. I can’t help but feel he wishes we had it on those special occasions and Secretly isn’t happy we don’t.

I’ve seen many other MNers talk about just obliging sex. I’m not the first or last who’ll say it.

OP posts:
Original poster
BabyCakes234 · 15/02/2019 16:26

I think I’ll just take the advice of the ones saying stop worrying. I know it’s aibu but I swear some women on this site are determined to be the nastiest they can be just to entertain themselves

OP posts:
MrsTerryPratcett · 15/02/2019 16:28

I’ve seen many other MNers talk about just obliging sex. I’m not the first or last who’ll say it.

It's almost always those MNers with unhappy marriages and unfulfilling sex lives. Doing it when you don't feel like it leads to never feeling like it. I like a piece of cake. But if I was force fed cake when I didn't want it, I'd soon go off cake.

FelicisWolf · 15/02/2019 16:34

If you have sex regularly then YANBU. If you don't have a huge amount of sex, make a big deal about valentines day or birthdays, want the meals and gifts but then often don't do what he's looking forward to when it comes to the bedroom, then still YANBU but I would say a little mean surely? Are men now not allowed to want sex on valentine's day/their birthday? And I definitely don't think having sex on special occasions is 'setting a precedent', I think it's just being loving towards your partner and thinking of their needs as well as your own...

2019willbegreat · 15/02/2019 16:35

It's not so much the "need" to do it on special occasions, but more like a special night out, few glasses of wine.....I kinda agree with him - I would want sex on those occasions.

2019willbegreat · 15/02/2019 16:36

Posted too soon....its almost like you want to ban sex on special occasions to make a point.

Eliza9917 · 15/02/2019 16:48

Do you specifically not have sex on occasions, because it's an occasion? [Confused]

FascinatingCarrot · 15/02/2019 16:54

Hes absolutely ok you didn't do the deed. Yet you felt the need to over explain why to him and us.
The only one whos made an issue of this is you. Calm down. It's just a bonk.

Dieu · 15/02/2019 17:02

Possibly the most joyless MN post ever!

SnowyAlpsandPeaks · 15/02/2019 17:09

I didn’t have Valentine’s Day sex, as I didn’t see dp. I had night before sex though, it was really good.

NotTheFordType · 15/02/2019 17:17

I can't believe I'm the first poster to mention #fuckfirst
twitter.com/fakedansavage/status/434345356164210688

greenpop21 · 15/02/2019 17:38

Special occasion sex is such a cliche. Have sex when you both want it, regardless of what day it is ffs!

WombatChocolate · 15/02/2019 17:46

Op definitely doesn't sound relaxed about sex and very keen for control....but surely in good relationships there really aren't control issues. People have sex generally when both people feel like it. Sometimes one person feels like it more than the other and the other is happy to have sex becaue their loved one is keen - it's not 'giving in' and having sex when you weren't desperately up for it beforehand is fine if you choose to do it - it's not coercive, but recognises that sometimes one person is more keen than the other and you sometimes just go along with it to please he loved one, probably getting into it along the way. This is not akin to being made to have sex or feeling under pressure to have it when you don't want to.
And what's this thing about 'setting a precedent' - having sex on special occasions is fairly normal, but doesn't have to happen every time and most adults realise that. There shouldn't be a need to withhold to prevent a precedent. Fair enough to not have sex if you don't want to, but purely not engaging so the other person realises it is you who decides when and where and doesn't want any pattern to emerge actually sounds controlling to me. If this were a man saying this, I think a lot of people would jump on that comment as controlling.

Have sex when you both want to. Be open to your partner and a bit flexible about when it happens. Don't worry about precedents and saying 'yes'.

Folf · 15/02/2019 17:53

i think setting a precedent where sex is seen as a 'reward' for being taken out for dinner, like its your obligation to put out just because your OH did something nice, is a perfectly fine thing to avoid.

Expectation of sex, or one of a couple feeling they're 'owed' it because its their birthday or anniversary or some other occasion is a dangerous path to get on.

I do think you overthought this one, but I do see your point. It's perhaps a conversation for another time though.

Hanab · 15/02/2019 18:09

Ip did you expect him to rant & rave or possibly demanding sex? He seems like a keeper & accepte your choice not to have sex 🤷🏻‍♀️

It would have been nice though would it not have? You don’t need to make it all about the occassion just about the moment & wanting to be intimate with your partner .. Valentines - birthday - anniversary who cares 🤷🏻‍♀️ If it’s mutual than enjoy!

Ringdonna · 15/02/2019 18:15

Well isn’t Thursdays steak and blow job day?

Arnoldthecat · 15/02/2019 18:21

What makes you think he will want it every time you decide that its action time? Maybe you could have declined but..err.. stimulated him to completion in some other way.

importantkath · 15/02/2019 18:27

I can't get past 'give in'.

WombatChocolate · 15/02/2019 18:40

There's a difference between someone having a sense of being owed sex because they've taken someone out for dinner or done something nice, and the idea that in a loving relationship, whilst sex can always be declined, often each party is open to having sex if the other is keen,even if they hadn't felt hugely randy before. In loving relationships without control issues, there is freedom to both say 'no'and also to initiate sex if feeling keen, knowing partner might say 'no' but equally might be happy to engage simply because they love the other person.

I think when people have been in abusive or controlling relationships it's sometimes difficult to understand that lots of relationships aren't like that. There often isn't a need to be really careful about signals and precedents, because the partner isn't looking to take advantage. And it's often the case in strong relationships that one person can be more up for sex than other without it being threatening or requiring a strenuous rebuttal. If I'm keen for sex,my DH might be half asleep and not very interested. I might make advances and can quickly gauge (because I know him well and we are open and honest with each other) if he really doesn't want to. He might say it or show it. It's fine. And often even though he was half asleep we will have sex because he wants to please me, it's not a big hardship and actually he usually becomes pretty enthusiastic after a moment or two! It's not coercive or bullying in any sense. It works because there's a general understanding within a mature and loving relationship. I understand though that not all relationships are like that. Due to their past some people can't cope with any initiating from the other person or due to the present relationship being controlling or abusive or potentially so, need to establish firmer, clearer boundaries and can be or feel threatened.

In my relationship with my DH of 25 years, I sometimes have sex with DH when he's keen and I haven't desperately wanted it, in the same way I sometimes take the bins out if he asks, when I didn't really feel like it. I'm happy to do it because I love him, he asked, it makes him happy and is no hardship at all....and usually unlike the bins, that sex is usually fantastic and I'm really glad we did it. I can't ever remember a time when afterwards I thought 'well i wish we hadn't done that' or 'oh dear, now he will want sex every Saturday now and I've made a rod for my own back by letting him have his way tonight'. There is always the right to say no and expect it to be respected, but in good relationships there's often space for more sex too. It's not really a chore for most or a giving up of self or a big favour, but a lovely thing between 2 people who love each other.

WhenISnappedAndFarted · 15/02/2019 19:15

You say you regularly have sex, you were up for it earlier on (maybe he picked up for that), you changed your mind and he was fine with it.

I don't get what the problem is. It's not like you don't have sex often and he assumed because it was a special occasion and that's what should happen.

You're really overthinking it.

Swipe left for the next trending thread