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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

What do I do about mil and dh

47 replies

PedroHasLostHisGlassesAgain · 15/02/2019 11:57

Sorry its a long one. I read Susan forwards toxic in laws and my Mil is definitely the engulfer and controller described, and a little bit of the critic. I have/ am going low contact with her. She will do what it takes to get what she wants, first she will test the water, then try lots emotional blackmail, then get other family members to lay on the guilt, then she will try bribary and have a full on tantrum with shouting or even crying if needed. Not going to every family event isn't really an option. If your busy she wants to know why. If you are ill she wants to know with what, and then surely she can still visit and 'help out'. If your heavily pregnant and don't want to travel 2 hours away she thinks it's unreasonable they have hospitals everywhere after all. I'm sure if you were in hospital she would think you did it just to spite her and deprive her of seeing her family. She doesn't visit to often thankfully but if she can't visit on the exact day she wants to, it's unacceptable and I'm of course depriving her of seeing her family.

So she wants to visit to see dc next Thursday because she is passing by on her way to stay somewhere. Since dh is at work she texted me.
Her: I really want to see dc so I'll be popping in on Thursday
Me: I'm afraid its not convient, I'm busy. Will have to arrange another day
Her: busy with that
Me: appointment and stuff
Her: appointment for what
Me: it's private
Her: maybe I can take you or look after dc, what is appointment
Me: no thanks that doesn't work for me

So she then rang dh last night demanding to know what the appointment is, there should not be secrets between family members, why can't she take me or look after the dc or why can't I cancel or why can't he take the day off so she can see dc. She won't take no for an answer. Dh is now asking why can't she come.
How is my personal appointment her business and why can't she take no for an answer. She doesn't respects peoples privacy and will use personal medical details as ammunition against then if needed. Surely a sane person just accepts someone is busy, accepts its private and arranges another day. I have also told dh his mother is bordering on abusive, his reply you just think its abusive because you don't like it.

OP posts:

NorthEndGal · 15/02/2019 12:01

If your DH is not in your corner, you need to just carry in doing what you are doing.
She asks, you grey rock.
She bugs your DH, he asks you , you grey rock.
You get your way, from the start. In time, they learn.

It's that, or you find a way to open your husband's eyes to what she is like. If he thinks she is fine, he won't stand up to her

Piffle11 · 15/02/2019 12:05

Am raging on your behalf. How would your DH like it if your DM was interrogating him like that?? Don't deal with her: if she wants to see DC then get your DH to sort it and he can meet her. My MIL is a bit like this: if she gets an idea in her head about something she wants to happen, she won't take no for an answer. No matter how many times I say we can't do X, she'll keep chipping away. She's not nasty with it, though, just thoughtless. If your DH is not on side with you then I think you've a bigger problem than a nosy and overbearing MIL.

punishmepunisher · 15/02/2019 12:05

Lock your door and close your curtains in advance!

If that's how she is I just wouldn't open the door or answer the phone.

Kintan · 15/02/2019 12:07

I’d just make up something random for the appointment and then she’ll look like an idiot when she repeats it and you deny it. Have some fun with it, it’s the only way you’ll stay sane :)

Aprilshowersarecomingsoon · 15/02/2019 12:12

Well your dh can take the day off if he wants her to call in. You carry on with your arrangements.
Easy peasy.
And block her number.
Dh can deal with her.
I had 3 dc with exh and mil didn't have my number.

Hanab · 15/02/2019 12:14

Welcome to my world OP .. the only difference is she lives in another country but stills dominates him

TortoiseLettuce · 15/02/2019 12:15

Dh is now asking why can't she come
Because I said so. Repeat until he gets the message.

his reply you just think its abusive because you don't like it
By definition, abusive means harassing someone and doing things they don’t like. He’s trying to turn it around and say you’re in the wrong for not accepting this behaviour.

I’m afraid I’d get nasty and say: I said no and it means no. My life, my rules. I won’t justify my decisions to you. And say no to MIL every single time going forward. Let DH see her and take DC if he wants to.

PregnantSea · 15/02/2019 12:16

As ridiculous as your MIL is being (and for the record you are absolutely NBU, her behaviour is way out of line!) she isn't the problem here. Your DH is the problem. MIL can be as mental as she likes and it shouldn't be your responsibility to deal with it. DH should be sticking up for you and if she pushes back too much he should put his foot down and tell her to piss off. You need to speak to DH about being a united front. If that doesn't happen then this situation is never going to get better.

Hillarious · 15/02/2019 12:17

Sounds reasonable that she'd want to call in if she's passing and reasonable to offer to help if you've got an appointment. But it's obviously more than this to you.

Do you have an appointment, or do you just not want her to call in?

AttilaTheMeerkat · 15/02/2019 12:20

Your DH is mired in his own fear, obligation and guilt re his mother and he is far more afraid of her than he ever is or would be of you. What he also fails to realise that his own inertia when it comes to his mother simply hurts him as well as you. He simply cannot or will not deal with her. Conditioning like he has received from her is really hard to break and or alter.

Because she could not get to you easily she went to the weaker link here which is her son, your H. You have your boundaries here; stick to them. You also need to protect your children from MILs influence as well; she is not emotionally healthy to be at all around. If your DH wants to continue to have a relationship with her that is up to him; neither you or your children have to follow in his wake.

sillysmiles · 15/02/2019 12:34

Why not leave her to mind the grandchildren while you go to the appointment?

Leeds2 · 15/02/2019 12:34

Did your DH tell her what your appointment was for?

RomanyQueen1 · 15/02/2019 12:34

Sounds like you have a dh problem. he needs to be in your corner not mil's. I agree though just keep doing what you want and he can take the kids to his mother.

Original poster

PedroHasLostHisGlassesAgain · 15/02/2019 12:35

Kintan tempted but can't think of anything good

Hillarious yes I have a medical appointment. If she visited she would constantly ask what it is. If she took me there she would ask about it the whole car ride and I wouldn't put it past her asking to come into the appointment because we are family after all. She isn't looking after dc unsupervised because she is emotionally manipulative and can't be trusted.

OP posts:

Original poster

PedroHasLostHisGlassesAgain · 15/02/2019 12:37

Leeds2 thankfully not yet, told him he would be sleeping on the couch if he does, but she will ask him about it for the next month everytime she talks to him

OP posts:

CoolCarrie · 15/02/2019 12:38

Your mil sounds like a nosy cow, definitely try the Grey rock treat' it’s working for me! Your dh doesn’t need to know what your appointment is for, it’s your business.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 15/02/2019 12:39

This woman was not a good parent to her son when he was growing up and she has not fundamentally altered since that time.

OP has stuck to her boundaries here and because that worked in her favour MIL then went to the weaker link here i.e. OPs DH who has acted accordingly. He is basically repeating his mother's words here; its all about what his mother wants. No-one else really matters to the OPs MIL, they are but bit part players with she being at the centre of her universe. If you grow up with someone like this, you do regard it as normal. MILs behaviour here is anything but normal, emotionally healthy people do NOT act like this.

SchadenfreudePersonified · 15/02/2019 12:42

Agree with others here - if your DH wants her to come (and popping in on her way isn't unreasonable as long as you are okay with it) then he can take a day off work and entertain her.

Your medical business is your medical business, and nobody else's - strictly speaking, a doctor or hospital can't eve share details of your health with your spouse, let alone random in-laws, so she is totally out of order wanting to know details (I suggests that you tell your DH not to let her know anything either, or he will give her chapter and verse who she grills him).

She sounds awful!

SchadenfreudePersonified · 15/02/2019 12:42

Sorry - italics fail!

Drum2018 · 15/02/2019 12:42

Just block her number and don't enter into any discussion with Dh about her. And tell him he is not to dare tell her what your appointment is for. Overall you need to continue in this manner. Just don't put up with her. You do not have to attend family events or tell her anything and you tell your Dh not to discuss anything about you with her at all. Stand up for yourself. If your Dh isn't willing to do the same for himself that's his issue but he doesn't get to dictate what you should do.

diddl · 15/02/2019 12:42

" Dh is now asking why can't she come. "

Have I misunderstood in thinking that no one will be there-in which case it's obvious why?

Although of course what he's asking is can she have her own way so that I don't have to tell her no?

CoolCarrie · 15/02/2019 12:43

She clearly has no boundaries at all, just like mine.
My mil was here last week, thank fuck she left on Monday, but she has no tact, talks about private things in front of our cleaner, asks what things cost, even got her niece to ask my parents how much our wedding cost, and then says sorry, but doesn’t mean it at all.
Stick to your guns OP.

thecatsthecats · 15/02/2019 12:44

"You do realise this sort is behaviour is why I'm saying no, right?"

Unreasonable people throw up such stinks when they see reasonable people getting their way, because they are used to the people around them just complying.

Jackshouse · 15/02/2019 12:46

Make sure you are out all day or like others suggest lock the door and hide. I’m sure her next step will be to appear.

Londonmummy66 · 15/02/2019 12:48

Tell her your appointment is for a VD your DH has passed on- that should shut her up....

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