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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

What do I do about mil and dh

47 replies

PedroHasLostHisGlassesAgain · 15/02/2019 11:57

Sorry its a long one. I read Susan forwards toxic in laws and my Mil is definitely the engulfer and controller described, and a little bit of the critic. I have/ am going low contact with her. She will do what it takes to get what she wants, first she will test the water, then try lots emotional blackmail, then get other family members to lay on the guilt, then she will try bribary and have a full on tantrum with shouting or even crying if needed. Not going to every family event isn't really an option. If your busy she wants to know why. If you are ill she wants to know with what, and then surely she can still visit and 'help out'. If your heavily pregnant and don't want to travel 2 hours away she thinks it's unreasonable they have hospitals everywhere after all. I'm sure if you were in hospital she would think you did it just to spite her and deprive her of seeing her family. She doesn't visit to often thankfully but if she can't visit on the exact day she wants to, it's unacceptable and I'm of course depriving her of seeing her family.

So she wants to visit to see dc next Thursday because she is passing by on her way to stay somewhere. Since dh is at work she texted me.
Her: I really want to see dc so I'll be popping in on Thursday
Me: I'm afraid its not convient, I'm busy. Will have to arrange another day
Her: busy with that
Me: appointment and stuff
Her: appointment for what
Me: it's private
Her: maybe I can take you or look after dc, what is appointment
Me: no thanks that doesn't work for me

So she then rang dh last night demanding to know what the appointment is, there should not be secrets between family members, why can't she take me or look after the dc or why can't I cancel or why can't he take the day off so she can see dc. She won't take no for an answer. Dh is now asking why can't she come.
How is my personal appointment her business and why can't she take no for an answer. She doesn't respects peoples privacy and will use personal medical details as ammunition against then if needed. Surely a sane person just accepts someone is busy, accepts its private and arranges another day. I have also told dh his mother is bordering on abusive, his reply you just think its abusive because you don't like it.

OP posts:

Cismyfatarse1 · 15/02/2019 12:51

Tell her it is a medical required prior to emigrating.

FlagFish · 15/02/2019 12:51

Your DH needs to stop pandering to her and back you up.

MrsCasares · 15/02/2019 12:55

Londonmummy - that is so funny.

Original poster

PedroHasLostHisGlassesAgain · 15/02/2019 13:02

AttilaTheMeerkat yeah I think nothing/ no one really matters to mil but her getting her way. Other people's happiness, wants, needs and privacy are just things that get in the way. Sometimes I think I might be getting through to dh but then he does a 180 and defends her behaviour, she is just doing it because she wants to be close to her family, because she cares about us, it's nice she takes an interest in us, she just wants to help or why can't I be more reasonable etc

OP posts:

Toooldtocareanymore · 15/02/2019 13:03

Thursday, isn't that the day your seeing the guy about the boob job your husband wants you to have, going GG?

RandomMess · 15/02/2019 13:06

It's the classic you have a DH problem

Original poster

PedroHasLostHisGlassesAgain · 15/02/2019 13:07

CoolCarrie mine does that too, asks what everything cost and tells us what everything costs everytime she buys something. We bought a new shed, she asked how much it cost, her reply that was that was expensive did you really need a new one. If she visits and sees something new she says ow that's new, how much was it, why didn't you tell me you bought a new kettle sooner, did you really need a new kettle etc. She even tries to tell us what to spend on things.

OP posts:

Toooldtocareanymore · 15/02/2019 13:10

to be fair based on your text exchange what she said here was pretty well what all my family would say 'cos they are nosy but also would genuinely want to know whether they could help out , and I have a couple though that are irritating as once they have decided that's what's happening are most annoyed when I don't go along. So irritating as she is , why not reply with can you be here for 11 or whatever suits you to take the dc, and then you bugger off with some friends for a nice lunch . Tell her you'll be back at 2 and then be very late she wont be in such a hurry next time

Original poster

PedroHasLostHisGlassesAgain · 15/02/2019 13:10

Toooldtocareanymore funny but she would ask us why are we wasting our money on that, you should be spending the money on something else. She would try to harass us until we gave in

OP posts:

sackrifice · 15/02/2019 13:11

Dh is now asking why can't she come.

'She can come if you take the day off as I shall not be here'.

Limensoda · 15/02/2019 13:19

That's who she is.
You just be who you are and refuse to engage in anything you don't want to. You have no control over whether she gives your dh a hard time over it, that's his problem. He may well have difficulty with dealing with her because she's his mother and is used to her being like that.
You can't fix her but over time, so long as you are consistent, she will realize her way doesn't work with you.
Tell your dh that you deal with her your way.
Obviously, don't be deliberately awkward with her but don't do anything you don't want to.
My ex mil was a bit like this but it didn't bother me so much because I was never going to do her bidding.

OhDearGodLookAtThisMess · 15/02/2019 13:19

Would he entertain your mother for the day if you were out at work and she wanted to visit? I bet not

DarlingNikita · 15/02/2019 13:30

Your DH is the real problem, obviously. He needs to get on board. Personally I'd have had DP sleeping on the sofa for the 'you just think its abusive because you don't like it.' comment.

IMO your answer to 'busy with what?' should have been 'that's my business and not relevant.' but I appreciate she has been wearing you down.

If your DH WON'T get on board then your only option is to ignore and not rise to the things she says and the way she behaves.

CantStopMeNow · 15/02/2019 15:30

block her number.
Then you only have your dh's arseholience to deal with.

DarlingNikita · 15/02/2019 16:16

arseholience

Excellent.

VictoriaBun · 15/02/2019 16:20

Ask her how much she weighs ?
Ask her to show you her bank balance ?
Ask her if she has had sex recently ?
If she won't tell you , tell her you rest your case.
Certain things in life are private.

GreenTulips · 15/02/2019 16:29

Well your dh can take the day off if he wants her to call in. You carry on with your arrangements

Totally agree with this - you don’t have to facilitate his family anymore than he does yours.

Tell him his mother his problem

SilverySurfer · 15/02/2019 17:55

I think your answers were excellent. Don't give an inch or she will take a mile. I agree with another PP that your DH is stuck in Fear, Obligation and Guilt (FOG) re his mother. If he is unwilling or unable to deal with her effectively but you seem to have it well in hand.

I suggest the next time it's inconvenient for her to visit, tell her you are going to the Australian Embassy for emigration papers. That should light up the telephone line between mother and son

Blackbird18 · 15/02/2019 18:24

It sounds like your living in her house. Supported by her and your 14 and need her permission . Who does she think she is ???

Hillarious · 16/02/2019 23:20

It sounds a tedious situation, but one you should be able to manage with good grace. Nowhere near as difficult as with my FIL, but he's lonely, craves company, can't cope with company, can be rude, brash, is stuck in his ways, pompous, but is my husband's father, my children's grandfather and needs our love and attention, though he's the last to admit it.

ivykaty44 · 16/02/2019 23:29

Me: I'm afraid its not convient, I'm busy. Will have to arrange another day
Her: busy with that
Me: appointment and stuff which alternative day do you want to visit
Her: appointment for what
Me: it's private why don’t you want to see you’re grandchild
Her: maybe I can take you or look after dc, what is appointment
Me: no thanks that doesn't work for me whats up with you being so Marston not wanting to see grandchild in alternative day

Don’t answer questions you don’t want to give the answers to, deflect continuously and put her in the wrong consistently

Teddysmum7 · 17/02/2019 00:19

My MIL is like this but hates me, we don't have any relationship but has to know the ons and ours of my life. Ur husband sounds like he doesn't know any better as he us used to her behaviour being the norm. I havent read the whole thread but if ur husband doesn't question u expecting u to change ur plans for her and accepts ur answer of no....I personally think this is How marriage should be. MILs can't keep throwing their toys out the pram when they don't get their own way....

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