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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To wonder what people are thinking when they look at me...???!

43 replies

ButterflyOfFreedom · 15/02/2019 10:46

I think this may be a confidence/ self esteem issue on my part but I just wondered what others thought when random strangers look at them??
So you're walking down the street and someone looks at you, no particular expression etc, just looks.
I get paranoid thinking I must look odd in some way, like they're (negatively) judging how I look, what I'm wearing, even my mannerisms/ the way I walk.
I know this is probably irrational, I don't think I'm odd (!) And I know people have to look somewhere and I guess it's normal to look at other people.
I just wonder what they're thinking and presume something negative.
Though then on other days when I'm being more positive about myself I think maybe theyre looking and thinking nice things like I am reasonably attractive!
Like I said, I think this is a self esteem thing for me but I'm not sure how to sort it out!
Sorry, I know this is a bit random!!!!

OP posts:
FadedRed · 15/02/2019 10:53

Tbh, and i’ll say this as gently as possible, I think that 99% of the time people aren’t actually ‘looking’ at you. Occasionally they might ‘see’ you and think “That’s a nice smart/skirt/coat, I wonder where she bought that.”, but most of the time other people don’t really ‘see’ us.

Ragnarthe · 15/02/2019 10:53

Tbf they probably aren't thinking anything. How much time do you spend looking at strangers and how much thought do you give them?
Even if they are thinking anything, so what? They don't know you. You won't see them again. Why does it matter?
I'm sure you are a nice person and that you look fine. I bet the people who know you think good things about you.
I've found that as I get older I care less and less about this stuff.

FadedRed · 15/02/2019 10:56

If you google the reliability of ‘eye-witness’ statements, you soon realise that the majority of people actually don’t notice much. Check the ‘basketball & gorilla’ video.

Hadjab · 15/02/2019 11:00

Flip the question around - what do you think when you look at people? Do you spend the day thinking about the bloke you saw in Asda that morning, or is it just a fleeting moment? 99% of the time most people are looking without seeing.

formerbabe · 15/02/2019 11:05

The other day, I was wanted down the road and a woman walking towards me really looked at me like I was dirt. It made me really paranoid. I'm fairly inoffensive and ordinary. People are weird.

formerbabe · 15/02/2019 11:05

Walking down the road that should say!

BeerandBiscuits · 15/02/2019 11:15

I used to feel like this when I was in my teens and twenties and couldn't even nip out to the local shop without a full face of make up, hair done, etc .
Now I'm older I honestly couldn't give a shit what strangers think about me, they're probably too preoccupied with their own lives to think about me at all.
As Eleanor Roosevelt put it "You wouldn't worry what other people think of you if you knew how seldom they do".

Tensixtysix · 15/02/2019 11:17

Unless they behaved oddly, then I wouldn't notice them. Most people look through others.
It's when they move oddly that you take notice.
I have to 'march' through a busy shopping center each day to get to and from the office, so I generally don't notice anyone unless they are 'chuggers', gypsy ladies trying to give me trinkets or (as a few years ago), a lunatic trying to hit passing pedestrians with a golf club.
I ducked that day and carried on....

Newadventure · 15/02/2019 11:19

I get like this. If I'm walking through a city centre it feels everyone who walks past is looking at me, I find it really unsettling tbh.

I dont think they're thinking much, it's just weird having so many eyes on me. It makes me feel like I'm under a spot light when id rather just blend in.. but then, i must be looking at them to even notice that they are looking at me so maybe it's just something everyone does without much though?? All the people I see are probably thinking "why is she looking at me!?" Whilst I'm thinking the same thing.

lljkk · 15/02/2019 11:25

Mostly, I'm making sure your path won't cross mine unexpectedly & trip me up. Other people are part of the obstacle course of life.

I got jumped about 20 yrs ago & so I do eye people up for whether they might have predatory intentions, too.

BeerandBiscuits · 15/02/2019 11:27

If people are self-conscious they can appear watchful and a bit weird and attract attention, especially if they're checking everyone out to see if they're looking at them.

NorthEndGal · 15/02/2019 11:28

Can you describe the last five strangers you saw? Likely not. They don't remember you either.
This is a good thing, we have far better things to do in life than noticing who looks like what, all the time.
Maybe next time you are out, make the effort to smile at the people who look at you. Nod hello.
Take control of the interaction so you don't have to wonder what was going on.
And who knows, people may surprise you with a smile back.

oldwhyno · 15/02/2019 11:28

It's a really interesting question. But what's interesting isn't actually what the random stranger is or isn't thinking, which is almost always unknowable, thus does not exist. What's interesting, as you've identified, is what goes on in your own mind, and how that's affected by your mood.

When you say "I'm not sure how to sort it out", are you trying to find a way to become comfortable with the fact that eye contact with strangers can simply hold a mirror up to your own emotional state?

I can tell you a strategy that I use. Consider that, in that brief moment, the other person is experiencing exactly the same thing that you are. They are looking at you and wondering what you're thinking as you look at them. They may be having the same self doubt, or the same optimism. So why not take this as your opportunity to have a positive impact on their day. Smile. Nod maybe. Say good morning even!

citychick · 15/02/2019 11:28

Don't most people have their faces stuck to their phones these days?
Many people aren't even paying attention to the pavement Infront of them, nevermind the people around them...

And if they're not staring at their iPhone, then they're so busy thinking of themselves, they more than likely haven't registered your presence.

I wouldn't worry too much. Just go about your business. Who cares what they think any way.

I live in Asia. I'm not Asian. I get stared at a lot on the underground. Ds does too, with his blond hair and blue eyes. I just stare back if it's too much. They have no filter here so chances are they'll want to take your photo too. That's when we move away. All annoying but I don't have a car here, so no choice!

Ifailed · 15/02/2019 11:29

The only reason I "look" at people on busy streets is to try an avoid them as the dawdle along, getting in my way.

Jaxhog · 15/02/2019 11:31

Mostly, I'm making sure your path won't cross mine unexpectedly & trip me up. Other people are part of the obstacle course of life.

Absolutely!

RavenLG · 15/02/2019 11:31

My thoughts are always so random. Usually on the way to work it's
"Oh her hair / bag / skirt etc. is nice"
"Why do you need to walk so close to me?"
"It's no cycling here nobhead!"
"Oh a squirrel"
"What's that smell?"
"Oh look a pile of sick"
"My shoes hurt"
"Am I sweating?"
"Why did I have that 2nd coffee before I left the house I need to pee!!"

And all this while making eye contact with people lol.

I get the same self esteem issues too though!

WeeDangerousSpike · 15/02/2019 11:39

This is a recognised unhelpful thinking habit op.

Attached is a pic of a worksheet from my counsellor about challenging them. 2nd row is 'mind reading'

To wonder what people are thinking when they look at me...???!
TheDizzyRascal · 15/02/2019 11:49

I sometimes used to feel like this too, but then I realised that when I "look" at people I never think anything bad, I would never thing "eurgh they're ugly" or anything like that, I usually think I like their outfit, or they have nice hair, or I need a wee etc etc!!! So it made me think that probably other people aren't thinking bad things either?? Does that make sense? x

NameChanger22 · 15/02/2019 11:52

Sometimes when I walk down the street I'm marking people out of 10 on their appearance. I usually only do this to men and ignore the women. I try to see if I can find anyone above a 5 out of 10, I very rarely do.

Sometimes when I'm walking along I play a game where I decide what I would do to improve the appearance of the person in front of me - better clothes, hair cut/colour, lose weight, plastic surgery or all of the above. Usually it's all of them. I also imagine what Trinny or Susanna would say.

Other times I'm wondering if I can figure out a person's personality from their appearance. I always assume I am completely accurate with this.

Inaboatwithoutapaddle247 · 15/02/2019 11:53

I agree that most of the time people are not "thinking" anything when they happen to glance at a stranger.

I know I'm completely absorbed in my own private bubble/ busy watching what my children are doing when out in public.
I never notice people, and if someone who knows me says "Hi" to me I often jump out of my skin!

Bluntness100 · 15/02/2019 11:57

I'm not sure if this is self esteem or anxiety, but I don't think it's normal really to worry to this extent. People are probably not thinking much at all. And what they are thinking generally says more about them than you.

For example, first person thinks, oh nice coat, that's prob a nice person.
Second person thinks, God she's a mess, that's prob an unpleasant person.

Does it really matter which one a stranger is?

Wild123 · 15/02/2019 11:58

In all honestly what does it matter what people who do not know you think about you? How is that going to impact your life?

In that last few years i have come to realise that the only people that have the right to have an opinion of me and that i would listen to are the people who know me, support me and are a big part of my life.
I have worked a lot on my own self love and confidence and I know my strengths and my weaknesses. I realise i am not perfect but i am a good person and can be proud of myself.

I've also come to terms with the fact that it IS ok not to like someone and for someone not to like me. It in no way makes me a bad person. Some people just do not get along and thats OK.

Please dont waste time on worrying about what strangers in teh street think because their opinion does not matter in the slightest.

starray · 15/02/2019 12:00

People are too busy thinking about themselves to think about you. Ha ha ….sad, but true.

BlueMerchant · 15/02/2019 12:02

I think that the more judgemental a person is towards others the more they feel others are looking and judging them. Even over superficial things such as hair and clothes. Some people will be looking at you while others won't really notice you.

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