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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Wedding Invite

28 replies

Polly345 · 15/02/2019 08:16

My Dad is getting married in the Summer. Just a small wedding and a 'reception' at his home. He has told me that I have been invited to ceremony but not my son, my partner or my son's partner. His fiancee is inviting her children, but no partners.
I can understand that the partners might not be invited but I can't understand why he would not invite his only grandson. She has grandchildren but they are both under ten.
I know that people can have what they want - but I'm just very sad he has decided not to invite my son.

OP posts:
ShatnersWig · 15/02/2019 08:19

So, both your dad and his partner are inviting precisely the same thing - their children, but not their children's partners nor their grandchildren?

I wouldn't do that, but you can't say they aren't treating either side of the family differently.

Rosie40 · 15/02/2019 08:21

Are they close? Do they see each other often? It’s still a bit odd to not invite him and I would just say, sorry, I can’t attend and leave it at that.

UserThenLotsOfNumbers · 15/02/2019 08:23

I agree that that's very unusual. Yes people can invite who they want to weddings, excluding and including some, but that often comes with consequences, such as people being upset, drama and cutting contact etc.

Original poster
Polly345 · 15/02/2019 08:25

I thought he might have been invited as he is an adult. The other two are still very young - although I am surprised they haven't been invited.
My Dad's previous partner tried to keep him away from us so unfortunately he doesn't have a close relationship with my son but to be honest we don't have a close relationship either. I have tried my best to explain that my son would love to have a closer relationship with him but it doesn't seem to mean anything. Her children all live close to them and they have a close relationship with them. He seems to regard our not living near by as a relationship distance too if that makes sense.

OP posts:
ItWentDownMyHeartHole · 15/02/2019 08:26

Mine did the same. I also felt sad. But I went because that’s just who he is. Mr Disappointing Confused

thedevilinablackdress · 15/02/2019 08:29

I don't think there's anything wrong with keeping the ceremony very small. And some registry office venues for example only allow for a limited number. The party is the fun bit to celebrate the event and everyone can enjoy that. Hopefully it's not intended as any sort of slight, just an attempt to keep things low key.

CoolJule43 · 15/02/2019 08:30

You could ask your dad why.

It sounds as if they are having a very small reception and are trying to do the right thing in not differentiating between the two sides.
Maybe it could cause trouble with her children if your child was invited but not her grandchildren?

I would still go as declining on the basis of your grown up child not being invited could cause more problems.

thedevilinablackdress · 15/02/2019 08:31

And I speak as someone who wasn't invited to their Dad's wedding at all...another story though.

lunicorn · 15/02/2019 08:33

It's what he wants and you can't change that.

ItWentDownMyHeartHole · 15/02/2019 08:34

thedevil why didn’t you get invited? Who did get to go?? I think you’ve won...

fargo123 · 15/02/2019 08:35

I wouldn't attend and I'd tell him why.

They're free to invite whomever they want, but that doesn't come without consequences.

RaffertyFair · 15/02/2019 08:38

They have set the parameters and been consistent with both sides. They wbu to invite an adult grandchild and not 9/10 year old dgc.

LostInShoebiz · 15/02/2019 08:40

Sounds perfectly reasonable to want only your children around you when having a v small wedding and sounds like they’ve been scrupulously fair. By your own admission your son is not close to his grandfather so will he really care?

RaffertyFair · 15/02/2019 08:44

Despite you saying that your df and his partner seem closer to her DC as they live closer OP, the wedding invitations are a public display of equitable treatment. So although I understand your disappointment, I would try and see it as a sign that they have not favoured her side in any way.

diddl · 15/02/2019 08:44

Presumably your partner & both of your sons are invited to the reception?

Would any of the be particularly interested in the ceremony?

sanityisamyth · 15/02/2019 08:46

I wasn't invited to my dad's second wedding and neither were my sisters. We didn't even know it was happening until that morning. People do funny things.

NannyRed · 15/02/2019 09:03

Your dad is being very fair as in both he and his fiancé are inviting their children only (not partners or grandchildren). Would you be willing to compromise and go to the registrar office to see the actual ceremony part, take a few photos, give you dad and his new wife a cuddle and wish them well but not go to the reception at their home.

As it’s a small affair and being held in their home I do understand why they are limiting numbers. I’d give them a gift and card with all of your names on, this isn’t worth falling out over, but I do understand why you feel the way you feel though.

Hunter037 · 15/02/2019 09:05

If he invites your son they will also need to invite the grandchildren on her side, otherwise they will say it's not fair. That's 3 extra people which could be a lot for a small wedding and also if they are young children it adds an extra dynamic - would they need entertaining, different food, somewhere to take a nap?

It might seem wrong to you but however it goes it will be a problem to someone. They have been fair and done what they think is right. This is always the way with weddings, someone is put out in some way.

Don't make a big deal of it, especially as your son probably isn't even bothered about coming!

Springwalk · 15/02/2019 09:07

I think they have been fair, that is not to say it is easy to accept.
It is sadly another reminder that your father doesn’t value your child very much, and never has done.
I think it is okay to accept his decision whilst informing him how hurt you all feel. Yes he can choose whatever he likes for the wedding, but he doesn’t need shielding from the hurt this has caused. If they are indifferent, this tells you everything you need to know.
The wedding will come and go, it is one day, try not to let it upset you,

Hunter037 · 15/02/2019 09:07

Also it sounds like they are invited to the reception but not the ceremony? So its not like he didn't want his grandchild at his wedding, just not at the ceremony part. They probanly have limited space.

user1493413286 · 15/02/2019 09:08

I would be sad too; sadly if he doesn’t understand there’s not much you can do and he has to live with not having much of a relationship with his grandchild

spugzbunny · 15/02/2019 09:13

I really can't see a problem with this. Him and his partner are both inviting their children. If they are limiting numbers to say 8 as they want a small intimate ceremony then they have to draw the line somewhere and that's the line they've chosen. They aren't leaving your son out - they've just not invited any grandchildren at all.

winsinbin · 15/02/2019 09:13

It’s probably a space thing. My brother got married recently and the room at the registry office available at the time and day he needed only held 12 guests so him and his husband to be had to be very careful about who came to the ceremony.

It sounds like your dad and his partner are trying to be fair and equal with the invitations. Hopefully this new stage in his life might lead to improved relations between you all.

RelaisBlu · 15/02/2019 09:14

Sometimes people (especially older people) just want a very quiet pared-down wedding so invite a minimal number to the ceremony itself. Are partners & children invited to the celebration afterwards?

Snappedandfarted2019 · 15/02/2019 09:17

Is it a small ceremony op?