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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to be annoyed that husband didn't get me a valentines gift

35 replies

RLSP0304 · 15/02/2019 05:08

First time I haven't received a gift from my husband. I thought it was a joke initially, particularly as it's first Valentine's since having our baby. The customary box of chocolates would have been absolutely fine, easily procured on either journey to and from work or when he bought a card in his lunch break. Birth wasn't great and our baby can be exhausting. I am feeling somewhat frustrated that he didn't bother. He actively recounted discussions he had with friends that he didn't need to take me out as I don't like to leave our new baby with anyone else.

OP posts:
everydaymum · 15/02/2019 05:28

Did you get DH a gift?

user1483387154 · 15/02/2019 05:31

If you got him a gift and he didn't get you anything I can understand you were disappointed.

DonnaDarko · 15/02/2019 05:31

Depends on if you got him something, and if you usually get each other gifts. DP and I haven't done gifts or cards for the last two years (since DS was born). We do try go out on a "date" the weekend after though.

FlagFish · 15/02/2019 05:33

As he usually gets you a small gift I think YANBU to feel hurt. Especially when you have a newborn, it’s so important to feel appreciated by your partner. Did he feel bad when he realised you were disappointed?

Singlenotsingle · 15/02/2019 05:35

He's right about not taking you out, isn't he, if you dont like leaving the baby with anyone else? Did he get you a card? Tbh, Valentine's is a bit over-egged anyway, just a big excuse for companies to sell stuff.

catx1606 · 15/02/2019 06:03

Did you get him a gift?

LilaJude · 15/02/2019 06:05

YANBU, if you usually do gifts then it’s hurtful for him to just stop. Have you asked him to explain?

katykins85 · 15/02/2019 06:05

Yes, what did you get him?

bluetheskyis · 15/02/2019 06:09

That was a little thoughtless of him. We don’t usually go out but still have a nice meal together or a nice bottle of something. But we both do a little gift. What did you get him?

EthelFechan · 15/02/2019 06:16

Why do so many people think a box of chocolates says I love you?

Original poster
RLSP0304 · 15/02/2019 07:11

Yes, we have always done gifts. It's not the box of Chocs, it's the tradition itself. I don't mind not doing gifts but at least say beforehand. I bought him a mug, his favourite sweets and his favourite drink - a grand total of about £6. I also made him his favourite dinner and dessert. I didn't actually say anything to him. I wasn't sure if I was being unreasonable.

OP posts:
Squickety · 15/02/2019 07:24

I think it depends how much store you set by these things. I remembered our wedding anniversary this year, DH forgot. Last year he sent me flowers and bought me a present and I got him something nice too. This VD he bought me a lovely thoughtful personalised card, I got him a last minute Tesco one. Last year I think we both didn't bother as we were really busy. It's no measure of our love for each other as we both do nice things for each other all the time, so it's no big deal to either of us if one of us forgets/ makes less effort than the other on a specific day.

CheddarAndCrackers · 15/02/2019 08:01

He actively recounted discussions he had with friends that he didn't need to take me out as I don't like to leave our new baby with anyone else

He's hugely misunderstood your feelings. Talk to him, explain (again) that while you're still feeling so protective about your baby (this feeling never really goes away, tbh but you find ways around it) that you would rather not leave your baby with someone else BUT you're still his wife and deserve some thought and consideration! Tell him now before it becomes normal in his mind to not acknowledge you and your feelings.

ItsBloodyFreezingg · 15/02/2019 08:12

I'm the same OP. Mine forgot and then when I gave him his, told me he'd run out and get something now. I told him not to bother, it kind of defeats the object knowing that he's just nipped to Tesco to pick up the dregs that are left and quickly wrote a card in the car whilst I wait at home for it.

I don't mind not doing gifts but we'd specifically said we would get something small / just a card at least only a few days before.

Mummyoflittledragon · 15/02/2019 08:21

Dh always gets me flowers. I don’t always get him something due to chronic illness. I’m better at picking birthday / Christmas presents than him. We’ve stopped with anniversary gifts after many years.

Does your dh do nice things and treat you well? It isn’t a big thing you know if he does.

PengAly · 15/02/2019 08:25

Why do so many people think a box of chocolates says I love you?

Why do so many people feel the need to judge those who happen to enjoy the day?

OP, YANBU about the gift. I believe your DH may have misunderstood your feelings this year and just have an honest conversation with him about it :)

EthelFechan · 15/02/2019 09:19

No judgement, I'm asking a question.

Why do some people think a box of Milk Tray grabbed from the Spar is a symbol of love and devotion?

user1493413286 · 15/02/2019 09:23

I’d feel upset if DH didn’t get me anything just because we always do small presents and it’s that consideration of each other. I do agree with people that say you should show appreciation all your round and not just on valentines but the reality for me and DH is that we’re so busy we don’t always have the chance so it is nice to make that day a little special

OrangeJuiceandLemonade · 15/02/2019 09:29

@EthelFechan I think it's just an acknowledgement. It's like a nod towards the awareness of the day.

I've had terrible birthdays, anniversaries etc but learnt the hard way that my expectations were way too high and that people around me aren't mind readers. Nobody could win.

HeckinHell · 15/02/2019 09:31

Was he preoccupied with something else and maybe just didn’t think about the gift until it was too late?

I’ll openly admit that we’ve had some stuff going on that has totally thrown us both recently - luckily I’d bought card/gift in advance, but then didn’t remember Valentines Day until about half an hour before I saw my partner the night before. If I hadn’t been organised in advance I’d have been buggered! It wouldn’t have been because I didn’t care, though, just that I totally wasn’t aware of the date due to having other things on my mind!

You’re not unreasonable to be disappointed, though. I’m sure he felt bad that you’d got him things and he hadn’t got you a gift!

Toooldtocareanymore · 15/02/2019 09:32

I think you should say something, after all as you said its not the gift its the thought, my dh got me flowers etc and that was nice, but actually the best thing he did was make me a sausage bap for breakfast just the way I like it , not the normal b'fast for a work day! I think you should simply say that despite looking after baby and being tired you'd got him gift made special dinner etc despite all you had on , and while going out as he said might be trick, you are surprised at his very lack of thought. That you genuinely feel he made no effort or though,t and its a bad year to do that, but you don't want to hold resentment so he has all Sunday ( pick a day) to make it up to you so what's his plan...a lovely Sunday dinner cooked by him or bring you somewhere for lunch with baby? sometimes I think our partners just need a nudge to show they are not twats

Penguincake · 15/02/2019 09:33

@EthelFechan because it shows that for one moment someone actually thought of you. They stopped during their day and gave a tiny bit of consideration about making you happy. It is not the chocolates it is about being remembered.

BabyDarlingDollfaceHoney · 15/02/2019 09:35

A card is fine as long as it had a nice message.

HugoBearsMummy · 15/02/2019 09:42

YANBU. DH did this 2 years ago. We've always exchanged even just a little something, a card or whatever, we were renovating at the time (DH a builder so was working long hours in the house) so used that as an excuse - he hadn't had time to grab a card Hmmbut he still managed to go to watch Pompey play on valentines evening Angry, didn't remind me so I had cooked a nice meal for us which he scoffed then ran out the door. I was furious. I woke up on the 15th to a card and box of discounted chocs... let's just say he's not done that since lol.

Raspberry88 · 15/02/2019 10:02

Do you think he's just knackered and preoccupied? It's mad after having a baby...(I know you managed to remember, I think that's amazing, I barely knew what day it was for about a year!) Maybe he's finding it all a bit more difficult and tiring than he's letting on! Maybe he's a bit stressed at work and doesn't want to worry you. I don't thing YABU to feel a bit miffed about it but as someone who often forgets or doesn't manage presents I doubt h will have been trying to be hurtful. I would mention it to him definitely and see what he says.

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